I'm having hard time trying to tell my fiancee that I can't have kids and that we would need to adopt?

Question

I have been engaged for about 6 months. Me and my fiancee are planning to have children but just about 3 months ago I found out that my reproductive system is very deformed and I can't have children. I may need to have a hystercotomy in the future for health reasons. My fiancee doesn't know this and I have been really researching adoption. I feel that it is a good thing to give a child a chance at a better life. I'm not really sure how my fiancee will accept not having biological children. Does anyone have any advice on how I should tell him and how to convince him about adoption? Any advice would helpful.

Answer 1

I know this woman that the doctor told her she couldn't have kids and she has two birth kids now. I will tell him. And if he really loves you he would do what you want to do without fighting you. That is a true christian:)

Answer 2

I faced a similar situation with my wife who could not have children.  It was hard to accept at first but then I realized that it was having a family that was important to me, not necessarily having my own children. We have adopted two wonderful children and I couldn't be happier.  Let your fiancee know the situation, then have him talk to adoptive families and he will realize how happy they all are even though they don't have biological children

Answer 3

Sometimes I think certain families are "blessed" with the curse of not being able to conceive. Without couples like you, there would be no place for orphaned children to call home- and they certainly want a family just as badly as you do. I would take this as a sign that your child is already out there somewhere, just waiting for you to come along and rescue him. Even though it won't biologically be your child, the second you hold him in your arms- none of that will even matter any more.

Good luck!

Answer 4

honesty is the best policy and quite truthfully you need to tell him asap. he has the right to decide how he feels about not having biological children. it may be something he has no problem with or he may have a hard time with it, but this is something you need to talk to him about. if he loves you and wants to marry you give him the oppurtunity to emotionally support you through this.

Answer 5

If you two were really meant for one another then he should have been the first person you told. I'm not trashing your relationship but it may really hurt him to know that you've been keeping this from him for three months.

He needs to know asap. To some men, they want and need to have a child of their own, some are cool with adoption and others can't get their head around adopting a child. My husband says that he could never adopt a kid and treat it as his own (he wouldn't treat it bad but couldn't bond) unless it was a family member. He's being honest and I respect his feelings on the matter.

Hopefully, he will stick with you on this, but be prepared that he may not want to adopt and just not have kids. Either way, he needs to know. This is not the kind of thing you keep to yourself in a marriage.

Answer 6

You really need to address this with him as soon as possible. I realize it may be hard even more if he was looking forward to having a biological child.  This is not your fault it may be in God’s will that you all have a family via adoption there is nothing wrong with that. You can also tell him that you have been looking into adoption and share the information with him.

Surrogacy could be another option for you if you could use your eggs and his sperm and just have another woman carry the baby. Or even get a donated egg and his sperm and have another woman carry the baby.

Answer 7

When you say your reproductive system is in bad shape would it be due to fibroids by any chance? If so, you can have a surgery called a myomectomy to have those removed and leave the uterus intact and that will give you the chance to have children.

Answer 8

Honesty is the best policy.

I had to tell my boyfriend this just four nights ago, and I was so afraid he'd think differently.

If this man really loves you for you, he might be upset, but it won't change a thing in your relationship. The longer you wait, the more likely it won't end pretty.

You shouldn't need to convince him. He should be able to accept that you are unable to have children, and if that's something you two want in your life together, then he should be all for it.

Don't wait for the "perfect time" to tell him, because it will never come. Just take a deep breath, and tell him.

I promise, you'll feel better after. and if it has a negative effect on the relationship, then better now than after the wedding, right?

Good luck, I hope all goes well with you.

Answer 9

Sit him down one day when you two are just hanging out. Start off with how much you love him. Tell him that'd you'd love to have a baby. Tell him "Honey I went to the doctor and I found out I cannot have a child. I am very sorry." Let him show his emotions and confort him. Then show him your research about wanting to adopt. Explain to him you want to give a child a better life. He will most likely say yes. Good luck.

Answer 10

That probably should have come up before you accepted his proposal and got engaged.  That would have been a great time to let him know that you would love to marry him, but...

That way he could accept it or not and would know going in what he was dealing with and could make his choices.

He may want to have natural children of his own and may not want to marry someone that can't give him that.  Not saying all men feel that way, but some may - so it should really be something that has to be put on the table as soon as possible.

Answer 11

You should have told him this information as it was happening to you. Dont you think he would have wanted to know you were going through such a rough time? Why are you marrying a man that you don't feel like you can rely on (because if you did he would have been the first person you told after finding out). I dont think he will be happy that you hid this information from him. Tell him as soon as you can. He might not be interested in adopting and thats his choice especially since you are not married. If he loves you and is willing to accept that you cannot give him biological children then you will have worried for nothing, but knowing this information ahead of time and letting him make his decision now before it goes any farther is better than him finding out you decieved him later. Good luck. No matter what happens you will be fine and there are many ways to be a mother.

Answer 12

Tell him now.  It may be an issue, it may not.  You want to know which way the land lies however.  My first engagement ended when it was in question whether I would be blind or not.  My second ended when I had a brain injury.  One didn't even have the decency to call.   I had a very cynical opinion about men after that.  However, I've since dated two guys who didn't have issues with this.  Current guyfriend doesn't care about my potential problems and since he already has children (divorced) that pressure isn't there either.  I'd say give him a week or so before expecting any answer to let him digest it.

Answer 13

You definately need to tell him asap... I'm sure you told him you were feeling sick, he might know about your test being done right? Well why didn't you tell him the outcome? If he loves you truly he will be looking out for your health and not his selfish need of having a biological child, and if he needs a child before a healthy wife, then maybe he's not 100% in love with YOU. I'm sorry if I sound rough... but I've been trying to conceive for 5 years and my husband has been the best, he says that he is soo happy with only me and a child will only make it better but he doesn't need one. You need to start practicing your communication as a couple, I'm sure he'll be dissapointed because he probably wants to be there with you at your tests to back you up and give you confort. I definately agree with you on giving children a good future and good parents. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 14

I understand that you may be scared to tell him b/c you may be thinking that he may leave you.  But if he does then that wasn't the person who you were meant to be with.  It sounds easier said than done but if he can't be there for you through this HUGE rough time then you need to rethink marrying him.  I wish you the best of luck and i hope that you guys the best.  Just be honest with yourself and him.

Answer 15

If you are going to marry him, he must be a pretty good guy.  It shouldn't make a difference to him if he is.  

You have to be honest with him.  Letting him know about these personal issues may make him feel even closer to you.

Adoption and infertility enhances your relationship, for the good or the bad.   If your relationship is good, it will help to strengthen that love.  If your relationship isn't good, you will know it.  I am not saying this to talk you out of telling him.  However, it is important that you realize that this may be a blessing in disguise.

Answer 16

You really need to talk to him asap. Just as it is important to you to adopt, it may be important to him to have natural children. It would be unfair of you to keep this from him before you get married, and I am sure if he loves you, he will make every effort to understand. I would just lay out for him what the problem is, the possible solutions (adoption, surrogacy, etc) and then give him plenty of time to process so that he can be truthful about the way he feels. Remind him that the most important thing about starting a family together is the love you both share, and that will be there no matter how the children come into your lives. Best of Luck!