I'm in a horrible predicament, and need some good suggestions!!!?

Question

I will try to keep this short, but precise.

in 2001 I became heavily infatuated with a girl who was 17, I was 19. Problems with my parents and work led me to move in with her and her dad. A week after she informed me that she had a boyfriend, but I was committed. I tried to be the best friend possible, but my desires for her were eating me apart inside. Eventuaklly I decided I needed to do something with my life and moved away from her with intentions of education. After failing at my venture and an attempt at suicide, I moved back in with her and she found several other boyfriends over the course of the 6 months before I was too emotionaklly hurt to stay around her. I was doing well, I made my own life and moved on, but whenever she contacted me, the feelings stirred up and I fell into her games and ended up in trouble. After a close call with a DUI I was fed up and stopped talking to her, but several years later I began contacting her again. We talked on the phone, and I tried to explain my hurt from before, but no matter how many times she apologized, it never seemed to resolve it within me.

Here's the present issue. The day before my birthday (aug 17) I decided to hang out with her as it had been years since I had seen her. We met at a diner, talked for a while about the past, then hung out at her apartment with her roomates for a while. Later that night we went on a walk, and she let out a lot of loving emotions toward me, and I felt similar to how I had felt years before. The situation became physical, so I mentioned that we should come to my place 70 miles away. She went back and talked to her roomates, and they both seemed quit upset over it. The drive up was quite silent, and all through the night she was text messaging someone. When we arrived at my place, she wanted to finish off the remainders of alcohol I had, so we split the drinks and worked our way to the bedroom. She had gained a bit of weight over the years due to medications, and wantyed to keep the lights off, which was fine, and we both were very concerned about eachother and STDs. I had condoms, but we ended up forfeighting the condom part way in, and decided upon the "pull out" method. We both said quite a bit about having a future together, and in the moment it seemed quite plausible, but i told her it may take a couple years to get over the trust issues I have.

The pull out was successful as I could tell, and we both went to sleep about a half hour or so after. When we woke, we were both fairly quiet and I dropped her off with a hug.

(OK, this is longer than I had hoped)

After I dropped her off, I decided that things wouldn't work out. I've recently started working a lot more overtime and living so far apart, it would be difficult to have a relationship. Because of all that we had talked about the night before, I felt very confused about how to tell her I wasn't interested anymore, as well as having slept with her for the first time, it was very difficult to weigh the situation.

I haven't talked to her since, but she has sent me text messages while I was at work saying "I love you" and "how do you feel about me". I have no idea how to respond to these, because I both don't want to hurt her, and don't want to be with her.

The question:

How do I go about letting her know that I enjoyed the past, the night we had, the life and the feelings we've had over the years, but I just can not be with her?

I'm very afraid to talk to her right now. I feel I've made a horrible emotional mistake.

I know this is long, but it's a complicated situation.

Answer 1

She's not very interested in you and sperm comes out in trickles, so the pull out method does not work.

Be very afraid!

Answer 2

you should never have had s*x with her and now she thinks she loves yous. you really messed up but it is not the end of the world, you are young and we all make mistakes so don't beat yourself up .  now you need to tel her now that you don't want a relationship with her, why not send her a long letter telling her every thing about the past and your life now and why you cant be with her, the longer you keep her hanging the more she will hate you, she will hate you for a while but she will get over it, tel her you where holding on to your feelings from when you where 19 but as the years went on you don't love her that way any more. you went trough alot so its time to think of yourself and for you to be happy, you know this relationship wont work so move on tel her it wont work and that you are sorry for having s*x with her because you don't want her feeling used. but you need to move on and you deserve to be happy. don't walk away from this feeling bad you where not to know that it would not work, just learn from this.  good luck

Answer 3

People often sacrifice honesty in the name of not wanting to cause pain. The truth is, the longer you put off honesty, the more pain you will cause. Pain breeds like rabbits living under your house. Every day that goes by, the even the nicest-seeming lie causes a little more damage under the surface where you can't see. You've already seen that firsthand, and that's why you have this dilemma.

Not hurting her is impossible now, because you already said much more than was completely true. The best thing you can do is tell her as soon as possible so that she can stop torturing herself. It's like when a police officer tells a family that their loved one's body has been found... it may be hard to say, but they can't grieve until they know that loved one is dead. She has to know you're the wrong guy for her if she's to move on.  

You have to tell her the honest truth, but delicately. Tell her everything you like about her first. Tell her that she's so great that you thought she could be the one. But be honest that your gut tells you a lifetime is a very long time, and that it also tells you that she'd be happier with someone else, and so would you. True love isn't just somebody you think is an incredibly, incredibly great and beautiful person. True love means somebody who is your peace, who feels like home. Who is really going to enjoy actually living with you, day to day, rather than just seeing you every day like a close friend would. Who can understand your deepest soul and still like it, not get frustrated and angry with your failings and eventually walk away when they can't put up with it anymore. That's a lot more complicated, and a lot harder to find, but it's the only thing that's worth a lifetime.

You and she both deserve to find that person. If your gut says it's not her, your gut is right.

None of that nonsense about marrying her because she's pregnant. You would both end up miserable for a lifetime over one night's mistake. Do right by her, sure... don't let her go without a place to live, encourage her to give up the baby for adoption if she doesn't want to raise it, help her get a job either way and work towards a healthy independence for herself, but don't vow to love her when you know you can't. That would be the most horrible lie of all. Stick with it and do the right thing. You're in a hard situation, but if you refuse from now on to be anything but honest and caring at the same time, you should be fine.