I'm in a marriage going bad, NEED advice!!!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 yrs, been together for 3, we have a 2 y/o girl, and we fight constantly. We have from about after 3months of being together. We met at a bar, and just got drunk together a lot, then I started getting sick, then pregnant. 2 months after we started dating, I was raped by someone and hospitalized, he was right there for me...he always has been. I found out after my awful horrible painful pregnancy I had fibromyalgia and I've been in pain 24 hours/day since. I am on tons of meds for pain, for PTSD, for anxiety, depression, you name it. I have hated s*x since what happened. I found out I was preggos 4 months after being together, but was wanting to end the relationship right b4 I found out about the pregnancy. (This is our first child, who was a miracle, b/c I was tested and had many surgeries and was never supposed to get pregnant, and he got me pregnant.) I thought this was a sign that this was the man I was supposed to be with from then on. We fought my whole pregnancy and it's only gotten worse. His temper was horrrrible and he would push me and he's hit me a few times, never in the face. But anyway, I'm a *****, I'm hard to get a long with. I have hated pretty much everything in life since I got fibromyalgia. I still do a lot, (FT student, stay at home mom, head a donation organization, editor of college newspaper, student governement, etc.) Life isn't THAT bad, but it is at home. I used to go thru "phases" of no s*x and being just angry at everything, taking my frustrations out on him, then I would get into another "phase" and want s*x all the time andlove him and want him always....I no longer have phases, I just don't want anything to do with him, sexually or intimately in any way. I don't want to go to bed at the same time, so I don't have to deal with him wanting s*x. I've started "doping" myself up more so if I do give him what he wants, I don't feel AS disgusted. We had s*x a few days ago and I wanted to vomit the whole time. I felt invaded and disgusted. Everyone on my family thought I was on drugs (illegal) b/c of my lack of affection to him. He hit me in the back, while he was holding our daughter (not the first time) a few weeks ago, and that's when I started literally hating him.

On the other hand, he loves me to death, can't live without me, and all that jazz. I'm a goddess to him he says. He's never been with anyone more beautiful, etc. He walks around moping and/or crying (literally) crying all the time. "Why don't you love me?" He cries more than anyone I've ever met (for a guy.) When he fights he, w/o thinking, always fights in front of Addy, w/o a thought. She's gotten so scared she runs crying to me.

I show no emotion when he's crying and acting that way. It gets on my nerves and I think it's very "unmanly." I do love him, as the father of our daughter, but that's it.

But i did marry him through thick and thin, no matter what, so will this pass? Is this just a phase? I have no feelings for other men, women, nothing, so I know the touching, s*x, etc, thing is something I need to deal with on my own, which I am seeing a psychologist. He's not. She recommends we don't do marital b/c I just want out and he is begging for his family back.

There is so much more, but what do I do? I'm so unhappy, he is too, that's why I don't understand why he says I love you and he really means it. I don't. I say it back, with this almost disgsted feeling. Like I'm lying about it and it sucks.

OMG I am so confused. He has always been there for me. But he's not what I want to spend the rest of my life with. We got married in my 8th month of pregnancy and as this being my 2nd marriage(7 years after the first.), I said I would stay with him no matter what b/c that's what marriage is for.

I just don't know what to do. I'm going insane here, and so is he.

Answer 1

well really and i'm sorry but you are wrong and you are the one that is causing hurt to your husband and most important your daughter, and i'm not saying it is all your fault because of what is going on with you, you have a lot of problems, and to tell you the truth i think you will have  problems in every relationship you are in.i don't really know what happened in the first marriage.but if you got seprated in the first one i think you should do the same now. not because of your husband and that he can't live with out you, he will get over it and find somone new, i think you two are selfish because of the fact that your daughter is the one that is hurting the most. because she is watching the two most important people in her life yell and hurt eachother. and when she gets older, weather she is too little to remember anything, it will affected her when she starts to develop relationships, she will pick the wrong men, and i really don't understand women at all, i see women on the tv talk aobut he cheats he hits me blaa blaa blaa, but when a good guy comes around that really wants to be with you, they go for the loser, and i'm not saying i'm any better i was in a relationship with soemone that did that to me and i will never do that again. i can care less about you and your husband, and the fact that you guys should have been smart and used something to protected you guys weather or not you thought you couldn't have kids. you meet at a bar come on seriously think of your daughter and what she is going though, i know things are not always picture perfected but think of her before yourself, she needs the both of you,and i think it should be seprate and not being with each other some peopleare not met to be together and you two are one of them  

Answer 2

You both need help.  You are both avoiding the real problems.  He also has no business hitting you.  You need to get couseling for your problems and he needs it to deal with everything that's happened.  If you can't take it and he doesn't want to understand what has happened/how it affects you, then you need to leave.  Somethings got to give.

Answer 3

Wow.  I think you married my ex LOL!  He cried ALL the time too & I was also completely disgusted having s*x with him.  In my opinion it does not pass.  When you have lost all respect for someone it is almost impossible to gain it back.

You also admitted that you're kind of a b*tch & hard to get along with.  And you're extremely negative.  You are spending every waking moment focusing on what you DON'T like instead of what you DO like.  Nobody can be happy that way so it almost seems as though you are determined to be miserable at all costs.  I understand you're having issues with your health (I suffer from chronic pain also) and that makes you angry.  It made me angry for a long time too.  But you need to pull your focus to something more positive.  Stress is not good for fibromyalgia.  So gritting your teeth all day really isn't helping.

I don't think your marriage will work.  I'm sorry to say that but you will just consistently butt heads.  You have a strong personality & he's too weak for you.  It's hard not to question your judgment.  You met the guy at a bar, got pregnant, didn't even want to be with him back then but you still got married?  It's kind of like . . . what did you expect?  You know?

I hope you're being honest with your therapist about the pills.  You are starting to medicate so you don't have to deal with things & that can turn into a life long battle.  I'm not calling you out as an addict but I'm around them all the time & it's a very tough habit to break.  You've gone from using them for your health to abusing them to deal with emotional pain.  And it's very important that you recognize what you're doing.

Answer 4

I think you need to check yourself into a mental hospital or go on some serious medication. Your bi-polar mood disorder should probably be treated before it gets worse. Have you seen a psychiatrist lately?

I'm not saying that your husband is perfect and innocent, but I think you are putting him through h**l because you can't deal with your S**t properly. I would hazard a guess that you are actually mentally abusing him.

If you want to save your marriage you need to deal with your issues and you both need to get some marriage counseling. If not then I think he would be better off without you and I hope your child is placed in his custody.

Answer 5

I think you have identified that a lot of the problem is you.  Take a deep breath and think what you do like.  I think you need counseling and a doctor that understands all of your symptoms.  A lot of doctors diagnose as fibromyalgia as a catch all.  

He also has a problem if he has really hit you.  That is a reason for real concern.  

The best advise is to get some one on one help beyond yahoo answers.

Answer 6

too lazy to read your novel, but i do have some advice for you... remember what it was like to be his girlfriend? that's where you should go back to.... be his girlfriend.  if you'd like a book about it, go get "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.

Answer 7

he abuses you. The realtionship was never healthy and to be honest you need to end the abuse. You need to get out

Answer 8

What a mess.  Your child deserves to be in a loving home.  Yours is not one.  

Either get lots and lots of marriage counseling, or pack your bags.  It's really that simple.  Work on it all, or let it all go.  The mess you live in now is not healthy for any of you.

Answer 9

You  left out the part where you are interested in someone else.  Join the club of millions of others.