I'm in the process of adopting two boys (11 and 12), but I really don't like one of them; what do I do?

Question

I really like Jamie, the 11 year old, but I can't stand Jack, the 12 year old. He speaks like a baby, and plays dumb on purpose (we've caught him in the act several times). He's also very selfish, and he lies constantly. On top of all that, he's very passive aggressive.

I've tried concentrating on Jack's good characteristics, but there are very few. The boys are pretty close, so I know that separating them is not an option, but what do I do?

We started out fostering them with the intention of adopting, but now I'm not sure if I want to go through with it. I really don't want to hurt the boys more than they already have been hurt.

Answer 1

You're an embarassment to adoptive parents. You suck.

Answer 2

I am not sure you should adopt either of them if they are brothers.....they should be kept together.

I am sure Jack can sense your animosity towards him......wouldn't you want a parent that loves unconditionally???

It's no different for Jack.

Answer 3

I cannot believe you are saying these things about this child.  Would you say this about a child if it were your biological child?  Do you think all biological children are "liked" by their parents?  THEY ARE NOT...Children are not like dogs.  You cannot bond with a child and then decide it is not for you.  You should be honest with the agency before you break this child's heart yet again.  You could try to get the child help.  You could try to like the child, but it sounds as though you have already judged and found him guilty.  Why not try to find ways to help him rather than find fault with his behavior.  I am sure there is a reason for his behavior.  There are agencies which can help with his behavior.  You should not go through with the adoption if you cannot bond with this child.

Answer 4

Pray about it if you're a believer. I adopted two girls myself, when they were 6 and 9. I love them both but it's VERY hard at times.

Adoption is forever. If you can't stand one of the brothers, don't adopt either one. My girls were seperated from their other 3 sibs (not my choice) and they still grieve over it, 4 years later. Let them stay together, and don't do something that will bring you years of misery and regret.

I don't know how PA does transitions, but they are of the utmost importance. Personal belief, don't just have them leave. They need time to adjust to the seperation and transfer their allegiance, so to speak, to the new place.

I hope that it goes well for you.

Answer 5

This makes my stomach sick...  I'm sorry, I know it took strength to ask this question...  but I'm thinnking of the child and know that he really needs some help...  can you both go to counseling together now?  Have you discussed this with the social worker?  It's probably that you don't like his actions--- and the fact the you don't know how to handle it...    I wish you all the best.  Kristy

Answer 6

don't adopt him, until you know you can love him as much as you would your "other" son. It wouldn't be fair to Jack.  Have you thought of his past life, and what he may have been threw? Jack may need some counseling to help him.

Answer 7

The fact that you would go online and post for the whole world these children's names and ages, horrifies me.

And why would you expect boys this age to have normal behavior after going though as much grief and loss as they have?  Get a grip.

Answer 8

You might consider not adopting these boys. If you cant stand Jack he can probably pick up on that and it might be cause for more of his behavioral issues.  Foster children as you know often have issues even more if they are older.  Jack has probably never had adequate attention he has probably bounced from foster home to foster home for many years if not the majority of his life. Top that at 12 he has started puberty or will start it soon.  This acts are no doubt his attempt to get attention.

Any child can be selfish, or lie and most do at some point in their lives.  You need to be firm with him but show him love give him boundaries and limitations. If he does something wrong you need to discipline him in some way. You need to get him into counseling if he is not already. One of the most important things is to give a child a stable home and love, and let them now that whatever they do, they will always be loved no matter what and have a home with you.

Answer 9

sorry but you shouldnt adopt them, if your on here saying that you dont like one of them and that he plays dumb, selfish, lying and aggressive.... your not suitable to adopt these kids, fostered kids have a lot of problems....... if you have been told his full background (which by the way, ss may not have told you everything) im sure there's a reason that he is the way he is. You cannot split these two boys thats not fair but your not right to adopt them because you will always prefer one to the other, which for him (jack) could do more damage.

Your an amazing person to foster, and even more amazing to consider adopting, but you cannot do this if you are having doubts.

Answer 10

Don't adopt either one, you don't have what it takes. And end the foster care now for the sake of the boys.

Answer 11

Your language is pretty strong towards Jack, and I wonder if making a life long to commitment to someone you "can't stand" is fair.  This seems like a set up for some further problems down the road for all of you.  I would listen to your heart.  If your doubts are based on not even liking one of them,  then maybe you need to slow this process down.  If you already think this boy is"selfish"  and a "liar"  now,  I worry about how you might feel later when things get more difficult (adolescence etc..) and I wonder about the harm this will do to both boys as you obviously favor one over the other.  I'm not saying you should abandon these boys, just that maybe you need more time before you commit to them for life.

Answer 12

You know what if I knew your real name and location I would SO forward this to your caseworker.  YOU POSER!!!  

I hope to GOD you will speak up now because you are being just as passive-aggressive as Jack is, by pretending to love him enough to adopt him and then telling us (total strangers, by the way) that you "can't stand him"???  He speaks like a baby?  "Plays DUMB on PURPOSE", and for that you "can't stand him"?  Those are legitimate reasons for rejecting this child that you're going to adopt??   WTF??  Believe me honey you are NOT cut out for parenting!! It's not like they're puppies, although maybe in this instance you can give them back and get a refund or something, and find something that will make YOU happy, 'cause it really is all about YOU, and what YOU like, and how YOU need for them to respond to YOU.  

I bet everyone arounds you think you're doing something SO SPECIAL by adopting these two boys, huh?  Lots of praise for doing something "good".   But no one knows how you REALLY feel, do they?  They don't know you "can't stand" this poor kid.  What would they think of you if they knew??

Think of someone else besides yourself for a change and  speak up NOW!!!  Give this kid a chance to be loved for REAL.  You're just a poser who's mad because it's not "easy".  YES kids will lie and be selfish and be passive-aggressive, especially when they're thrust into one dysfunctional situation after another.  You're not getting the kudos from this kid that you expect by his not responding to your "love" the way you want him to, so now you "can't stand him."  Boy, that's gonna be JUST GREAT for his self-esteem in about 2-5 years, living with a mom like YOU.  Do you think for a minute that he doesn't know that you don't like him??? Believe me - he knows.  He doesn't know how to articulate it, he doesn't know he deserves BETTER THAN YOU, but he does know that you don't like him.  Oh EXCUSE ME - "Can't stand him."  

I hope to GOD this kid gets a fair chance to get away from  you!!!!

Answer 13

You should not adopt either one of them, let another family adopt them together.  It wouldn't be fair to separate them and if you don't like one of them he will sense it and feel miserable.

Answer 14

This adoption has not finalized.  If you really believe you "can't stand" Jack, I think he will feel a lifetime of reinforced rejection by being raised by someone who feels that way.  These are not only common behaviours among children who've been in "the system" but they are common among children in general.

I don't see that you're bonding in the way a parent needs to bond.  I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that it's not happening.  Jack and Jamie need to be somewhere in which this will not be an issue.

Answer 15

There is a good possibility the older boy has detected your favorism and is acting out to get your attention.

He may feel it important to be the dominant sibling and is doing what he things will either put him in that position, or perchance he sees wrecking your relationship with his sibling is more to his liking.

Have you talked to his worker about this.  I would deffinate seek counseling for him.  It's not to late to turn him around.

Keep encouraging him to do better and work on his problems.  Put him into a sports program and keep him active as possible and perferably seperately from his brother.

Good Luck

Answer 16

Attachment takes time.  Didn't you have to take training to be a foster parent?  We learn why children are the way they are and that it may take quite a bit of time to improve behaviours.  If you say no now after you have given intent to adopt, what message are you giving the child?

Get a counsellor involved and work through it.

Answer 17

Wow...ok, first things first, get Jack some counseling, and stop shaming him for his behavior.  He's having a rough time.  Kids don't act like that just to p!ss you off.  There's something wrong.  Get him the help he needs.

Second, love is an action, NOT an emotion.  Can you do what needs to be done to keep both of these kids safe, and be a parent to them?  You may not like them all the time, but most parents get a little pissy with their kids now and then.  I hear your frustration, but I promise you, your rejection of Jack is going to compound the problem 100 times over.  STOP IT!  You're the adult!

Might be a good idea to get some counseling for yourself, too, and get some respite care.  Go out with your husband for a date, enjoy life a little bit.  The behavior you're describing is NOT the end of the world as you know it.  It's a cry for help, and your family can survive it IF you play your cards right.

Answer 18

Ok think of it this way if you were 11 and your parents didn't want you or you were taken from your parent would you feel there were any reason for acting smart because obviously your parents don't care so why try. You gotta put yourself in the place of the kid. Adopt him and work on his problems don't just set them aside try to help him out. Do you what you can love this kid and let him know you do care.

Answer 19

Were the boys placed as "pre-adoptive" and the only intention was to foster until the adoption was final?

Did they meet you as their adoptive parents or their foster parents?

ADDED: I believe that if these boys believe they are with their adoptive parents then it is your obligation to keep your committment. If they are under the impression you are adopting them then you knew there were risks and these are the risks most families adopting siblings this age would have been told about. Most families do not face difficult parenting situations with the option of Not parenting a child--not for these kinds of issues. And many parents have a child they don't really like all that much for me it just turned out to be one of the biological children and sadly I never even heard anyone suggest I not be her mother because we had a personality difference.

I will say that this boy is showing behaviors that SCREAM for healing--and these kinds of behaviors while upsetting and annyoying are simply the only way some children have learned to cope or protect themselves...  Yep they are not fun but with TIME TIME And more TIME we can help these children heal and feel safe...

These are signals that he doesn't feel that way yet....or that he is overwhelmed with the fact that for once in his life he thinks he might be able to feel safe and these are tests (not intentional always) to see just how safe it really is...

Answer 20

My advice is send Jack to Boarding School, That way, He will control himself.

Answer 21

Personally I think Jack might be acting up because he needs to feel like he belongs somewhere. I mean imagine being 12 and not having a family, it would be pretty hard. I think that you should go to a counselor or something so that you guys can talk about stuff and be open. Also, you need to explain to him your "rules" of what is excitable and what isn't for his age. And don't tell him that you "love him" or "care about him" unless you are going to adopt him for sure.

When he acts up, make sure you hold his wrists, go on your knees, look him straight in the eyes with no face expressions and tell him that he is not acting his age and being very immature and that you don't like it. And tell him if he wants to act like a baby you will buy him a diaper and a bottle.

Also, try and spend one-on-one time with him, make a cake or play catch...so you can both bound.

That's what I think, hope my opinions help.

Answer 22

Oh come on you cant be serious ?? How can you write those things.. there is no way you are fit to be a parent to EITHER of these boys if you can speak so ill of one of them

Answer clear and simple DO NOT ADOPT THEM give them a chance to be with some PROPER ADOPTIVE PARENTS

BOO

Answer 23

That's wonderful that you have opened up your heart this way, in helping these boys, soon to be your sons.  I think that the best thing to do is to provide counseling for the boys and see if you can get to the root of the problem.  Maybe the little boy never received much attention prior to being your care.  You can also seek counseling so that you can learn to be more understanding in dealing with these two boys.  Try everything that you can.  But before you make things final, please be sure, free from all doubts.  Kids are a lot smarter than you think and they read their parents when they begin to favor one child over the other.  

I do commend you for your honesty in the situation.  Don't give up, but please seek help.  Try to be more understanding.  Get counseling for the whole family and get to the root cause of the problem.

Answer 24

you should probly find out if it's an medical reaason or maybe adopt him then put him in speacial classses

Answer 25

With what You've said I think you need to look at WHY you're adopting them? is it to give them a better life, give them a chance, help them grow and learn and teach them the views and values of a family life, also giving yourself the joy of children? If not then you have to pull out for the greater good of all....all though I think you could learn alot and teach alot to these children, no child is perfect and they all take LOTS of work esspecialy ones in this situation...If you just look deep within your self, you'll find the answer.  Hurt sort term is alot less than hurt long term. I think you need to look with in yourself and find out the real reason you where looking to adopt in the first place. B'c once you have a child you can't just Give it back....can't just out them back in the belly, can't just decide oneday you don't want them anymore, Obviously the parents/parent of the child has made a very difficult decision, or had it made for them, not sure on the situation, but I know this child is a Beautiful soul, we all are as people. And he needs the best Love and support from someone with a big heart willing to give..to learn how to BE in life and the big wide world. Best of luck with your decision.

Answer 26

i understand that you dont want to seperate the boys. but it might be the best thing to do.  it will be hard at first, but it will be better for Jamie in the long run.  if you adopt jack, you will forever regret it.

Answer 27

Sit down with Jack and tell him that this sort of behavior is not acceptable. Ask him why he is acting this way, and then solve the problem by talking with him. You definitely should adopt him. You have already begun the process, and you should not hurt his feelings.

Answer 28

Don't adopt these children...do them the favor, really.  In fact, dont adopt any children until you learn more about parenting.

Answer 29

Congradulations on your adoption... Well, it sounds like you have are having some problems. You should talk to Jack and/or start a punishment program that will make him NEVER do what hes doing again like if they go to school, if Jack plays dumb again, he loses everything for a week and stuff like that that will teach him. Well anyway,

          I wish you luck with Jamie and Jack! Congradulations!

Answer 30

There not toys.

Answer 31

TELL the agency your concerns........