I'm leaving my husband, how do I play it cool?

Question

I've finally decided to leave my husband. We have tried everything and I have finally come to the conclusion that our marriage is over. I have come to terms with this. I want a divorce, but I need to save up some money first. My husband controls all the finances so I have no access to any of our savings. How do I "play it cool" until I have enough money saved up? I'm afraid he will suspect something is up before I'm ready to leave.

Answer 1

I went through this in 04. I was lucky enough to have a job. All of the other advice is great but i also took pictures and copied serial numbers of everything. I made copies of all tax returns. I took pictures of every room of the house.Anything of value like gold coins,any collections. I  worked for months on this and he never knew what i was doing. I cleaned and when I did I put things "away" in boxes for me when I left. I told him I was cleaning out the attic and the basement. I said I was tired of all the junk being all over. I managed to hide bedding and towels and dishes and all kinds of things so I wouldn't have to pack in a hurry. I took all the pictures and important papers to a safe place "attorney". I never told ANYONE. The only ones that knew were my 2 sisters. NO ONE ELSE... too  many people that know means too easy for hubby to find out.  I never acted any different the whole time I was getting ready to do this. I had to leave like a thief in the night and so anything I could take and put in a safe place I did. I took boxes to my sisters house and he never knew it. When the time came for me to leave it took a whole 45 minutes to load a truck up and get it out of there. I was lucky when I left he was out of town for a couple of days. It sure was a lot do do but I got it done. And by the way if you have a joint savings account that money belongs to both of you and you can remove it the same as he can. If its in his name alone then u make a copy of the ledger and make sure the dates are legible. Bank statements too at least copy them. My ex had tractors and tried to say they werent his and then tried to say I took them. He lied.. They were where they always were but I did have proof. Make sure to find a good attorney and explain EVERYTHING to him. You need to know about your finances and bills. Everything you can find out about. Where I live mine told me I could make him leave the house and me stay but I didnt want that. I moved. Felt safer. If you think he might hurt you tell the atty and think about a restraining order against your hubby. Mine threatened to kill me. I had police escorts into my work for weeks.

  Last but not least as my sister told me  "be an actress and go for the emmy award" YOU can do it if it's really what you want. Best of luck

Answer 2

Is it possible to set yourself up with a P.O. Box and open up your own bank acct?  Have the statements mailed to your P.O. box.

Answer 3

To answer yous question is very difficult! What is the problem?

Answer 4

Aquaopal is correct---get a PO box and your own bank account as soon as possible.    Find a lawyer and get a free consult as to what you should do next and how much it might cost.   A few ideas:   get your husband's SS number, all the bank account numbers, his employer's name (for pension info).   Also a list of assets you have accumulated doing the marriage like boats, motorcycles, firearms, or anything that is tangible and worth money.

If you don't work, get out and get a part-time job (if hubby asks---you're bored).   This will help you save money.   Or, if you have a friend or relative you can stay with, you can leave right away.

If your husband asks about anything, just get angry and say it's PMS.  That should shut him up.  

Let us know how you're doing  . . . .  

Answer 5

I recently went through this with a friend who didn't know how to keep her mouth shut.  She ruined a lot of stuff that would've been avoided and we had to get a lot of the items mentioned by the person above me during the "discovery" process.

You are 100% correct on the playing it cool.  If you'll be sticking around for a bit, don't blow up, don't tell him anything, and use it to your advantage (information gathering).

Sometimes this is very difficult to do with emotions running high, but I promise, you will be glad you did it.

The person above me is right - get INFO and stash it somewhere.  Get organized.  ALL assets.  Frequent flyer miles and hotel rewards often get overlooked.  Everything mentioned by the smart person above.  

The only thing I would add is to make copies of the actual STATEMENTS and $ balances as opposed to just the SSN or account numbers.

At least this way...when you get to discovery...it'll be easier to determine if he is lying.  They almost always try it.

Good luck...you are already on your way with asking "how" to play it cool :)  You know how to do it...

xoxo

PS - Is he using this computer?  Delete your internet history, cookies, etc.  Don't leave anything that can be found.  If he has a separate computer, get someone to go over it for all this account stuff.  The laptop used for work/home can be very useful.

Answer 6

Is your husband abusive or something? because you really sound like you want to leave but you are afraid. Do you work? Don't make money an issue for doing something that you want to do, just do it. Stay with a friend or something until you get on your feet. Sometimes we never get the money we want to move. We just do it.