I'm looking for opinions on a complicated situation?

Question

I did not give details in my questions yesterday because I did not feel it was necessary, but due to some responses I am wondering what people think about it.

Someone who has been like a sister to me my whole life, has also been through some things that no one should ever have to go through, and these things can make it hard to get through day to day life. For the most part it is fine, but if something happens to bring it all back it can make it very hard. When she had her son nine months ago we talked about what would happen if this happened again, and agreed that of all available options my taking her son in would be the best option. Well, her ghosts came back to haunt her, and once she realised things were getting bad she of course called on me. She is now off trying to conquer her personal demons, and I am indefinitly the childs guardian. Best case she will be back within a week...worst, well, who knows what will happen.

I will continue the story in a second.

Answer 1

The only thing I can say is if this is suppose to be something temporary, I hope she continues to have regular contact with her son. Stuff happens, you get ill and sometimes someone has to take your child for a while. It happen to me in 2005 when my son was 10 months old. I went in the hospital for a procedure that was to be simple and I would be out in a one or two days. I had complications and ended up spending over a month in the hospital and 10 days of it was in a coma. Obviously, there were times I could not be around my son and it made it hard on both of us when I did get back with him. He preferred my Mom to me as I sort of was torn away from him and then drop back in. Since I had no memory, it was like the next day for me and I while I did understand, it hurt beyond belief.

Answer 2

I think if you are caring for him well and giving him enough love, you don't have to jump for joy for our benefits.  You are doing what you told her you would do, good on you!  Just make sure the boy never knows that you feel this way.  He's gotta be numero uno.

Answer 3

Well of course you should be unhappy about it, if something really terrible is happening to your sister and that's the reason you have to take care of her baby, who wouldn't be? I can't think of a reason someone WOULD be jumping up for joy, unless they've always been secretly jealous of the baby and wanted it all for themselves or something rediculous like that... But like you said you should be happy that the baby has someone like you to take care of him and who can return him to his mother someday when she is better.

That's just what I think, but I also think that you should not worry so much about what others think and just do what you think is best for yourself, best for your sister, and most importantly, what is best for the baby.

Answer 4

That shows that you are a good friend, because you are doing this in spite of the inconvenience.

Answer 5

Dont let others judge you for trying to do a good thing.  Being a child's guardian is a hard and responsible job!  Pat on the back for you to even attempt it.  Not to mention the change in your lifestyle and family.  Realize that there are people that will take care of the child/be his guardian as well that are there to help you too.  Some call it respite, some foster others just guardianship.  Regardless of the name-its the same "job".  I have done it many times, and for many different reasons.  Sometimes for a parent that just "needs a break" to handle something personal, other times to help a child/children, there are countless reasons and it's not our job to judge anyone.

If you need some time to think about this or want to contact me directly with some of my experiences please feel free to contact me ([e-mail]) and I'll try to help you in any way I can.

I hope your friend can appease her ghosts and work on her relationship with you and her son.  Best of luck to you all-Sheri

Answer 6

Well, I was one yesterday who raised some serious questions about what you are doing.  Because you did not give us the full picture.

If you are taking care of him, temporarily, while your Sis gets help, then that is different from what you described yesterday.  But I still have to raise the question.  If you are really committed to do this, and feel with support you can,  why would you need our advice?  We can offer you support, of course, and will.  But only you know if this commitment is full or temporary.

If you are committed, 100%, to take care of this child, and give him everything he needs for however long it is needed, then go ohead and get the help/support you need to do it.  Get parenting classes, join a parents support group, or mother's group.  There is help out there for "new" parents!  You can learn the basics, which will help you feel less overwhemled.  And, all parents feel somewhat overwhelmed at times.

However, if your Sis is getting psych help, or drug rehab, etc., then perhaps this may turn out to be long term, or permanent.  Especially if this is a long term problem.  Are you prepared for that?  Committed to that?  If not, this time with you may end up prolonging a temporary situation and delaying a permamenent one.  Depending on her situation, one possibility is that perhaps this mom may need to realize that this child needs a permanent parent now.  Children cannot wait for adults to "get it together".  It may be sad, it may be unfortunate,  but if it is not expected that she will recover permanently in the very near future (6 months), then perhaps another permanent solution needs to be found.

Answer 7

i think u should give it more time seems to me he is already growing on u goodluck to u.god bless

Answer 8

I wouldn't understand jumping for joy under the circumstances.   I think you are handling the situation well.  One day at a time.  It may be helpful to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  It may help you in the beginning to look at it as a short stay.  The baby is very young and will not remember this period.  Hopefully your friend can get things together.  I would be sad to see a friends family suffering.  The baby will feel your sadness and miss his mother.  He will need some reassurance and a stabilizing force.  That will be you.  If anyone else is close to the child do not hesitate to take a break.  You are learning a new skill.  Enjoy him and get plenty of rest.  Take care.

Answer 9

I think you should just do your best, as the mother trusts you, and everything will work out once you get used to the situation.  I am a foster parent, and I love it, but there is always an adjustment when a new little person joins the family.  Some of the children only stay a few weeks and some stay longer, but it always takes a while to get used to the new situation, for all of us.  So, once you get over this hurdle of adjusting, I think you will be fine.  

It is true that I would be jumping with joy if I had a baby in the house, but nobody should make you feel badly that you are not.  You are trying to help while the mom gets back on her feet and I think you should be commended for that.  Best of luck!

Answer 10

I don't think you really have the option to give him to someone else permanently at this point if you don't want him. Sounds like you're only a temporary guardian yourself... so only the mother has that right. Only you know whether or not you're willing to take on being his caretaker for the long-haul or not. You don't have to be "giddy" but you do have to be caring and devoted. If you don't feel that you are then you need to discuss with his mother putting him up for PERMANENT adoption to a loving family who are actively looking for a child...so that you can ensure he's in a STABLE and positive situation.

Best of luck.