I'm making a book, is the first paragraph alright?

Question

So I'm writing a book : ] Has no name yet but I'm up to about 5 pages in microsoft with it.

I just wanted to know if the first paragraph was alright, and if it grabs your attention, or if it needs to be fixed (like with spelling) or if you like it. I posted this a week ago but I made changed 2 it and fixed it and made it a bit longer.

Here it is (doesnt have a title to it yet)

The girl sat quietly in the night, her back to a leafless willow tree, as she stared up into the starless sky. The moon glowing upon the surface, the only light to be found in the dark as it devoured the forms, along with hers, the outline of her body was all that could be seen, yet it seemed incomplete. A mystical enchanting scene without a fairytale. Yet she continued to stair into the endless forever, thinking, watching, waiting. A dream, a nightmare, wake up before you fall. Her lips, began to move ever so slightly, as a tear was shed upon her face, whispering ever so softly as to no one could hear. As if the world would break, in that instant if a voice broke the silence, it would break the world.

The girl drew her gaze down to her hands curled into her lap and spoke,

“Don’t Leave Me-”

She broke the world.

Answer 1

It seems a bit sketchy. Maybe use one powerful adjective per sentence. And some sentences don't make sense - show how they relate of the story. Also; to look at something is not to stair, but to stare. Spelling mistake.

Answer 2

it's good, it's just a little too descriptive, and you have a few mispells, but other than that, it sounds great.

Answer 3

Paragraph? bro how long is your book gonna be

Answer 4

It looks great! I did notice a few errors however, and a few things that should be changed — I will go through and show you, with the corrections in [brackets] to show what I think should be changed. :)

The girl sat quietly in the night, her back to a leafless willow tree[removed comma] as she stared up into the starless sky. The moon [was] glowing upon the surface[removed comma][;] the only light to be found in the dark as it devoured the forms, along with hers[removed comma][.] [T][removed t]he outline of her body was all that could be seen, yet it seemed incomplete. [It was] [a][removed A] mystical enchanting scene without a fairytale. Yet she continued to [spelling]stare into the endless forever, thinking, watching, waiting. [It was] [a][removed A] dream, a nightmare, [where you] wake up before you fall. Her lips[removed comma] began to move ever so slightly, as a tear was shed upon her face, whispering ever so softly [so][removed as to] no one could hear. As if the world would break, in that instant if a voice broke the silence, it would break the world. The girl drew her gaze down to her hands curled into her lap and spoke, “Don’t Leave Me-” [and] [removed S][s]he broke the world.

Which, without the brackets would look like this:

The girl sat quietly in the night, her back to a leafless willow tree as she stared up into the starless sky. The moon was glowing upon the surface; the only light to be found in the dark as it devoured the forms, along with hers. The outline of her body was all that could be seen, yet it seemed incomplete. It was a mystical enchanting scene without a fairytale. Yet she continued to stare into the endless forever, thinking, watching, waiting. It was [a dream, a nightmare, where you wake up before you fall. Her lips began to move ever so slightly, as a tear was shed upon her face, whispering ever so softly so no one could hear. As if the world would break, in that instant if a voice broke the silence, it would break the world. The girl drew her gaze down to her hands curled into her lap and spoke, “Don’t Leave Me-” and she broke the world.

But I am mesmerized! The opening paragraph definitely caught my attention, and were this a book I would absolutely continue reading. :)

Answer 5

its kind of hard to follow ,i only read horror though so i may not be the best judge

Answer 6

Several of your sentences are not sentences at all, but fragments. If you use complete sentences, and don't try to cram so much into them, it will flow better. You are also using too many commas and you used the wrong form of stair (should be stare).