I'm not controlling it - help

Question

I'm 15 and I've been depressed for a long time. I'm on fluoxetine and risperidone. Everything has just gotten more worse over the last few months and I feel like there's no point in anything. A few weeks ago, I was admitted into hospital after taking an overdose when things got really bad. That was also when I started taking the medications I'm on.

I've always had horrible self confidence and self esteem but it's gotten so much worse. I can't go out without being CONSTANTLY paranoid that people are talking about me, watching me or following me. I can't stand the way I look or the way I am and my whole life is based now on pretending. I used to go out every day and now I never go out, I don't even feel like seeing my best friend. I feel nervous and paranoid even around my closest friends. I've also been told that because of things which have happened, I don't allow people to get very close to me.

At the moment, I feel like I'm not controlling myself. It's like something else is but I don't know what or how to stop it and noone else can realise. It scares me sometimes and I feel like I'm going mad. I can't talk to anyone, I can't do anything. I just feel trapped and like the way I'm behaving isn't me doing it at all. For example, I have a 2-year-old sister who means the world to me. I'm more of a parent figure to her and look after her a lot. I honestly love her more than anything but I've been doing things I shouldn't. I tell her that I hate her and won't ever love her again. I tell her that she's a baby and that I'll kill her, or tell her that I want to kill myself. She understands and it upsets her. I've done everything to try and stop it but I feel as if I can't control myself, as if it's not me.

When I go out, I really scare myself. I think things which I probably shouldn't. I was walking along the canal and thought about jumping in with her, or jumping off bridges. When we're driving, I think about grabbing the wheel and driving us all into something. I wouldn't ever do it, not willingly or anything. But I feel like I can't help doing things and I'm totally out of control. I've lost many friends because they don't understand how bad I am right now.

I don't know what to do, what is it? How can I get rid of it?

Sorry it's long but I really need help.

Answer 1

Thats the same with me

You think that everyone is looking at you,and they make you feel like a kid

Answer 2

I think the best thing you can do right now is calm down.

I'm sure I've answered your questions before, only you had a different name then. What you're actually doing is abusing a child emotionally and no matter how hard it is, you need help so you can stop that. You say you love her, I'm sure you do. Just because you are doing this to her it doesn't mean you don't love her, but it would be cruel to not get help. Children who are abused emotionally often go on to have problems with self-esteem and mental health issues. You don't want that for your sister, because I believe that you really do love her. And I think that there is probably a reason for it. You have to remember that at her age they remember things which either make them very happy or very upset. This is clearly upsetting her and is happening more than once and the chances are she will remember. I doubt you want her to have that memory when she's older, knowing that you never did anything to stop it. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't judge you but you should get the help because your sister deserves that much.

It sounds like you're having a lot of problems and I have great sympathy for you. It's impossible for me to tell you what is happening because it could be a symptom linked with all sorts of disorders. It could be just part of your depression or it could be something more such as personality disorder, anxiety, bipolar or even schizophrenia. I really couldn't tell you because I don't know anything else about you or how severe this is. For them reasons, nobody over the internet will be able to give you the help you want. You need to talk to somebody. You could just print this page off and give it to your doctor, they could help you a great deal. I think you need to stop blaming yourself and need to get some help instead. Feeling like you're not in control can just be because you're unhappy with life, or it could be something more as I said. Only someone who has access to other records and can talk to you properly will help.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems, but they won't get better if you keep them to yourself - they'll get worse.

Answer 3

depression is a very unforgiving illness and the position you are in at the moment sounds very bad indeed and I feel sorry for you. There is no easy answer to give you or to say. You say that you have a baby sister she could be a source of help to you. try talking to her as if she is a bit older remember she is so small and will not give a lot of advice to you but she will not argue with you ether and you can if you try open up to her. It may seem silly but you will say things to her that you can not talk to others about. You may also need to talk to your doctor sounds like the medication that you are on is not agreeing with you. I do hope that things do improve for you as you are young and your whole live ahead of you but one thing I do ask of you PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP you have so much to live for.  

Answer 4

Lauren, listen to me? You write this stuff an a computer, Right? Okay, do you know how many people there are that reads about other people? Millions!!!! In spite of the feelings that you have about the baby get help for that NOW! As far as thinking about being paranoid, well so far I've read about 100 of these this morning. If you can sit and write this stuff, well, I think you can talk to a counselor or therapist. I really hate it when people talk about being on meds that aren't helping, so ask a Dr. that specializes in your kind of depression? Just remember there are millions reading what you are writing, so you can't be that paranoid, just keep writing about what ails you and there are all kinds of people waiting to help you! Tell the Dr that gave you the meds, that they are doing the opposite of what there supposed to do. There was a study about the very same medication you are on, that causes people to want to hurt themselves or somebody else permanetly. Heck, talk to people, there are people on here that ask other people like you, to e-mail them or im them.I've even seen them give thier phone no.out just for you to talk to or help give you no. to people that will help you. Please seek these people out.

Answer 5

same here, i think this way to sometimes