I'm planning my Wedding and need advice on Mother In law?

Question

I'm planning my wedding for August 1st of 2009, its over a year away, and my future Mother in law is already trying to take it over. Her daughter is getting married in a few months and thats all she cares about. She could care less about her sons wedding. She won't allow me to have the date i want, she won't help make a list of his family so I can book a reception lodge, alls she can do is tell me what I can't do. Oh ya, and I told her my colors, and all of a sudden thats what her daughters colors changed to so i'm not allowed to have them anymore. and she wants my help with her daughters wedding because they've never planned one before and i've helped plan my 3 sisters weddings. I'm about to go crazy! I told her this is my wedding and I plan to have it the way I want it. I don't want to be a bridezilla, and I would like to keep peace with my in laws. What can I do? I know i'm not the only female that doesn't get along with her inlaws! Advice would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!!

Answer 1

I AGREE DONT TELL HER ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING. THEN SHE WILL STEAL YOUR IDEAS THEN YOU ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE IF YOU COPIED HER STYLE WHEN REALLY YOU CAME UP WITH IT. LET HER FIX HER WEDDING HOW SHE WANTS IT. TELL HER THAT YOU ARE BUSY PLANNING YOUR WEDDING AND YOU CANT HELP HER

Answer 2

The last comment you left is exactly what happened.

As soon as he asked and we began to set things, that is when it all changed.

"Afraid of heights"

I got that one from his younger sister.

"Afraid of water and flying"

I got that from his grandma.

"Can't afford it"

Got that from his beer n' smoke n' hand, drug-n-out-prison mother.

Setting the date wasn't the pain, it was setting the place.  We wanted ocean and we live in California, less than 4 hours from San Diego and like less than 2 from Pismo Beach.  

Either his family said it was "too far" or "I don't think I can get off work" (this was pre planned 16 months in advance. so "the work thing" was an excuse in our opinions).

We set our date for February 23rd of 2008 for Maui back in December of 2006 when my parents sent us there to "look around" as my mom visited Ohau and loved it. Thought it be cool to visit another Island and have a wedding too.

Well, the next month (Jan) my hubby and I was so fed up with excuses, negativity and rants, we decided to elope to Vegas while we went there for his pre birthday and pre Iraq deployment.

We couldn't even make up announcements or invites because people was "I don't think I can"  or "It will just sit in a choir so don't bother sending me one". ...... or "I seen that at another wedding. It is so boring"  when it ment so much to him and I.

HIs family was soo p*ssed!  Til this day, I am now 100% there "gossip".

The trip was pre paid by my husband's and I's wallet!!! They only had to fork out the flight ticket (which we got at a rate of $300 per person) and their rental and extra spending.

The very nice hotel was paid for, snorkling, whale watching was paid for, clothes was very relaxed (just wear something nice and colorful), dinner was paid for, luau was paid for etc.  

So, you know what we did?   We still went to Maui, instead, we went for our 1 year anniv as we didn't offically get a honeymoon.  April to that October, he was in Iraq, so it was nice to have some vacation time for the both of us.

His family stayed behind as well as most of mine. My mom, youngest sister in law (who I adore), step dad was only one's attended.

Their loss!

So, I know it is hard BUT stay strong, stay firm on what you both want and be graceful at it as well.  Being all huffy and upset gives them the happiness of "getting to you". Kill them with niceness.

Leave details out of the conversation. All MIL needs to know is the date, time and location.  The rest, find help with in a trusting and nice relative or friend.  

Have that dinner cruiz or anything of sort.  If they don't attend, then they missed out and sadly, choose to put their feelings ahead instead of sucking it up for a special once in a life time occassion.

"If she truly wants to be there for her son and you, she will be there no matter what"  (something my husband said as a reminder of what we went through).

Answer 3

tell how many guests she can have.  Do it all your way and tell her Nothing.

Answer 4

Here is my advice...(in theory) you only get married once so do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT...period.  My sister in law told me she looked bad in yellow and did not like nuts and that if I made her wear yellow or had nuts on my cake she would be mad and so would my future mother in law...guess what I did both b/c I don't like being told what not to do...and today our relationship is fine.  It is your day and of course your future mother in law will be there...its her sons wedding.  The day is about you and your husband...I would not seek help or advice from her, make your plans and just tell her the details after they have been planned.  The less she can put her input in the better you will be..oh and happy wedding!

Answer 5

i used to have such a great relationship with my mother-in-law as soon as she found out i was getting married to her son. everything that your describing, started to happen.... my husband and i ended up eloping on a cruise. and it was amazing... 30 of our closest family and friends came and it was so amazing... and way cheaper then a "traditional" wedding!!

so if things start to get to crazy.... consider this an option

Answer 6

Stick to your guns on this. Don't let her bully you now cause once you let her open that door she will never close it.  Do what you want. Have what you want and be happy it is your big day. Not hers

Answer 7

Just ignore it. You don't need to be rude, just be nothing. If you want certain colors then just have them. Why does she even know what they are? Is she really nosey? Stop telling her anything. Tell your fiance you would prefer not to have to deal with her so much. Is she calling a lot or something? My husband knows that he is to deal with his mother and I don't want to. He understood and doesn't care. Kill her with kindness and just ignore it.

Answer 8

Stop involving her in your wedding and make your decisions based on what you do know.  Ask your fiance for input on the guest list and take it from there.  If she is unable to provide you with information and you don't have enough slots for her guests, too dang bad.  

You are right, she is childish.  Accept that and no longer tell her anything that you are doing for the wedding. When she brings it up, tell her the subject is closed and change to something else.  You can't keep the peace with a bully running roughshod over you, so don't even try.

Answer 9

total is right.  be discreet about your plans.  dont tell her.  when she asks something, say, i am still thinking about that.  when she asks you to do something, say, i will see if i can, when she demands you do something her way say, ' thanks for the input, i will certainly give that some thought'  you are being polite but vague with these responses.  this is what powerful people say when they are hit up with demands from people.  be polite but  a teensy bit more distant.

Answer 10

First, until her daughter has her wedding, don't tell anyone any of your plans.  Don't be rude about it...just state that you and your fiance haven't made any decisions.  You have time, so this can be true.  

Second, I'm sure you have heard the phrase, "you catch more flies with honey," right?  Be nice, polite, and helpful with the daughter's wedding.  

Yes, I know you probably don't want to help with the daughter's wedding, but look at it this way:  She is very excited about her dds wedding and if you get involved in helping her out, you 2 will work on building the relationship.  Of course, always make her look as though she is the best planner and you're just helping her with her decisions :).

Look at it this way:  You help her with her dds wedding and use some honey for a few months.  In return, you build a better relationship with your future mom-in-law and that will provide you with years of married life without a lot of stress.

Answer 11

First, you need to memorize the words that I had to use when my future m-i-l got all pissy because our reception was going to be a short, no-alcohol party in the fellowship hall of the church, instead of a big blow-out party with lots of champagne at m-i-l's country club:

"That sounds lovely, but it's just not possible on our budget.  If you want to pay for the reception, we'll be glad to move it to your club and let you know the final bill when we're finished planning it."

Didn't hear another word about the reception.

You've already gotten the next big part of the advice - don't discuss your plans with this witch.  If you do slip and mention that both mothers are going to have a wrist corsage with a calla lily and teacup roses, just ignore her when she tells you she's allergic to lilies and you'll have to make hers a shoulder corsage of orchids instead.  She doesn't get to make any of the decisions for your wedding.

Now, if there is something particular that is important to her, it would be gracious to listen to her and give her ideas serious consideration.  If you can give in on a couple of minor details (that don't matter all that much to you anyway), she'll feel like she's won a huge victory.

Help with the daughter's wedding, but make it plain what your limits are in terms of time and money, and then stick to your guns.  You'll be busy with your own wedding as it gets closer and can't be expected to take on a major role in planning, coordinating, setting up, or cleaning up from daughter's wedding.

The real biggie:  Grab your fiance by the short hairs and remind him that this is HIS mother who is misbehaving.  That makes it HIS responsibility to go to her and put his foot down.  Once you marry him, he is ALWAYS to put you and the marriage ahead of his mother.  He needs to make it clear to his mother that starting RIGHT NOW, there will be no more bullying, no more demands, no more temper tantrums, and no more name-calling, and that anything she wants to say about your wedding should be said in private to HIM.

If he can't handle his mother now, you're in for a really rough marriage.  So if he won't do this for you now, if he can't explain to his mother that she WILL respect you as his chosen bride, then you and he need to invest some time in marriage counseling before your plans go any further.

Oh, and as for that guest list?  Does your fiance not know his own aunts and uncles and cousins who should get an invitation?  Does he not know where his mother keeps her address book?  Can he not get the list from his sister, since she needs the same list to make her plans?  Put that man to work!