I'm raising someone else's kid??

Question

my wife of 13 yrs is rude to me every day. i have tried to please her for so long but we're just not meant to be together. and she's the one who started it all. all these years i thought that the only reason we married is because i knocked her up. turns out i heard her talking the other day to one of her friends about how he's not mine. so i got a blood test and it's true!

i want to leave her but my thirteen year old son still needs me even if he's not really mine.

are there any ways to cope with being trapped in a loveless marriage?

please help.

Answer 1

Good for you for putting your son's needs ahead of yours.  A father donates the sperm, a Dad loves and raises the child.  You can't make him pay for his mother's mistake.  On the other subject, its better for a child to be raised in a loving environment.  Get a divorce, but stay close tom your son.  Find a woman worthy and deserving of a man like you.  There are hundreds of women out there who would love you the way you should be loved.  Show your son the way a marriage should be.

Answer 2

If you have raised this child for 13 years and you are the only father he has ever known, he's your son.

He is really yours, and you are really his, and you are a true man with heart and character because, instead of using her treachery and lies as an excuse to bolt, you are standing your ground as a responsible parent to consider what is in the best interest of YOUR child.

There are lots of sperm donors out there, but true fathers are a gift to the children who have them, no matter how they ended up in their lives.

You do not owe her anything at this point, especially if she is rude and disrespectful.  It disgusts me to see any woman belittle and undermine her husband.  

Blood test or not, go see a lawyer, and discuss the whole situation, and explain your concern for your son, and your desire for shared custody.  If you have been this child's parent for 13 years, and especially if you are listed as his father on the birth certificate, you have parental rights, just as she does.

Most family court judges spend a majority of their days dealing with deadbeat irresponsible parenting, so there are very few who would even consider ruling against you in this kind of situation.  You are LEGALLY his father at this point even if his mother lied.  She would have to go through a whole lot of red tape and expense to have your parental rights terminated, and it is very unlikely she would succeed even if she did try, given the situation.

Realistically, if she is as rude and self-centered as you imply, she probably will not contest it anyway if she feels it works out to her advantage.  If she's as unhappy in the marriage as she seems to be, and as you are, it will make her life much easier if you continue to share parental responsibilities.  And, while that is not your primary concern, if it helps your case in getting shared custody, then just be glad that, for once, her selfishness will probably benefit you.  Use what you know about her character to get what you want and need for a change.

Unless the blood test has already been thrown into the battle ring, why not just let sleeping dogs lie?  If it's already in the open, then you just have to pick up from this point and go through with what you feel is best for you and your son.  If it's not, then if she's lied all these years, play dumb and go through the whole divorce process with never a mention.  She would have no logical reason to contest your request for joint custody if you're a good parent, and if she's that deceptive, she's probably not going to come clean voluntarily.  After things are resolved, then drop the bomb,and let her know that you already knew if you feel the need.  By then, things will already be resolved thru the courts, and she'll have little recourse to bring something like that up then.

As for being trapped in a loveless marriage...I understand your desire to provide a stable, loving environment for your son, but I cannot imagine that seeing his mother disrespect and undermine you is healthy for his male image.  Better to see you make difficult decisions and choices when necessary, and better to see you, and his mother, as happy, strong individuals.  Your entire marriage seems to have been based on deception and betrayal, and that is pointless.

If this is not the case, and you two do or did love each other at any point, and maybe the communication has simply lapsed over the years, then try counseling first.

But, if you know in your heart that there will no longer be a marriage, then I believe it is better to deal with it honestly, and end it so that you have an opportunity to be happy, and show your son a better way. Don't let things just deteriorate further into anger and animosity that may turn into cheating, etc.  That's just opening the door for a really nasty divorce and more wreckage.  Go for damage control at this point.

Just do the best you can and try to make wise decisions,  I wish you the best as you go thru this difficult time.

Answer 3

i would say run for the hills. ur wife lied to u for years leading u to believe that the kids was urs only to find out it may not be. that is the ultimate betrayal. dude u got played. seems like to me she only married u and claimed the baby as urs because i suspect the real father bolted for the hills because he didnt want to be a father so u are in fact the de facto fall guy. u need to get a dna test as soon as possible to sort this out. as for the kid, i think u need to decide very quickly do u want to continue being a father figure in that kid's life? can u raise a child even though it may not be urs? thats what u need to figure out.if it were me i would have a hard time doing so man. u need to seperate urself from the wife and the child and do some massive thinking. if u choose not to be in this child's life anymore i dont blame u. its pretty hard to raise someone else's child when u have been lead on to think otherwise. then after u think about it uneed to make ur choice.any one of these people can hate on u but until they walk in ur shoes they dont know what's going on.

Answer 4

How pathetic you are ready to run for the hills because you and YOUR SON do not share the same blood.  I am realizing there are many men like you that their fatherhood skills are only as good as the relationship with the mother.  No wonder our American boys are whiny crying babies who cannot even open a can by themselves without mommy helping them.

Be a freaking man even though his own mother is a total tramp.  You can divorce and yet still live in the same household for the next 5 years so your child can have SOMEWHAT of a normal life.

Answer 5

That's a tough one, but I wouldn't waste any more of my life with a dishonest person, you'll never be able to trust her again! I'd get out and demand visitation rights to your children, even if not biological!

Answer 6

wow, what a question. I think you can still be a father to "your" son even if you and your wife are not together. Your the only dad he knows...don't let him down, but at the same time don't let yourself down either. Who would want to be with someone who is rude and lied for 13 years, not to mention the fact that she cheated on you. I think you need a good lawyer and a long talk with a 13 year old. Good luck to ya.