I'm ready to adopt but my husband wants our "own."?

Question

I'm very much ready to adopt a child from the US that is less fortunate and who needs the pick me up that I can give to him/her. On the other hand, my husband wants to keep trying for our own child. I'm not able to have children and do not want to spend my time or money on IUI's when I know that it's just not my calling in life to have a child naturally and of my own. Although going into adoption, I feel like that that child IS mine. There is a reason that the child and my husband and I were put here and that we've found each other. Does anyone have any advice on talking to my husband about not wanting to go through the stressful heartbreaking routines of IUI and infertility processes? I work for an OB/GYN and hear to many heart breaking stories and just don't think I can put myself through something like that when there is someone out there that really and truley needs me. HELP?

Answer 1

If your husband is already showing discomfort with adoption than you may have a problem.  If your husband does not accept the child as you do, what will that do for your relationship?  I advise seeing a counselor and having a third party put things into prospective for your husband.  You never know how he will react when a new child comes into your lives!

Answer 2

I think you should talk first to your OB about this and get his feedback on your situation and your beliefs and your feelings.   I suspect he would support your preference to adopt.  

Then have an appointment where you sit down with both your husband and your OB and discuss it and have your OB give your husband his opinions on why your husband should support your decision.  

Men often will believe another man before they'll believe their wife.

cw

Answer 3

Hi,your in the best job to understand your own situation,I would definatly adopt a child,just to give some poor little kid a shot at life,I just come back from the Philippines and there's so many little kids ,like 3 and 4 year olds just walking the streets and selling Sampagita ,flowers on a string in the traffic.You feel like you should do something for them,so I just give them some pesos to buy some food and they are so grateful.If you can sway hubbie,adopt.Goodluck with your descision.

Answer 4

if your hubby is "against" it....umm, that worries me.  you both have to be 100% or it's not going to have a great outcome.

Answer 5

Fertility is hard.  Adoption is hard.  They all have their ups and downs, but until you and husband can talk fully and openly and agree on a course of action, then move forward.  Adoption needs the committment and love from two parents.  And you have to realize the likelihood of a newborn infant is minimal.

So you have to let husband come to feel the smae way you do, and there is no way to force it.  In the mean time you can do as much research on adoption as you can, the ethics, money, grieving, loss and soo much more.  Then when and if husband is ready you are much more prepared.

As an aside, as an adoptive mother, I feel I was meant to parent my children but I don't "own" them.  All children are borrowed from the Creator (or deity of your choice).  

Best of luck.

Answer 6

It seems like you already know when you need to say to your husband. Tell him everything you just wrote here. Good luck!

Answer 7

It worries me when you say "who needs the pick me up that i can give to him/her"

A child less fortunate that has been put up for adoption does not need a *pick me up* The child needs to be nutured, loved and treated as if you had given birth for the rest of his / her life.

How long have you been ttcing for ? I have often seen people on parenting boards who tried for ages and whether that be a year to 10 years eac persons perspective of 'ages' is different, anyway they tried for years and stopped 'trying' and then fell pregnant. Thats why you hear of so many people who adopt a baby and think they can not biologically have their own, to fall pregnant soon after , because the 'pressure' is off. The mind is a very powerful force..

I had root canal and I had never had one before, I sat in the chair shaking like a leaf, and being freezing cold they were almost ready to sedate me, all because my mind was making me feel that way.

People have done amazing things, and been stopped from doing things all because of their mind.

Sometimes I do feel that couples who are put through the huge stresses of fertility treatments, the emotional, the physical and the Financial stresses are actually being put under far too much stress to conceive a child.

Anyway my point there was if your husband isnt committed to adopting a baby and seeing it as "not his own" it will never work, the child will have HUGE problems , and you and your husband will resent each other and probably divorce over it all.

I'd suggest taking some time, go away on a holiday and forget about 'making a baby' or 'adopting a baby' and then reevaluate your choices when you come home.

I wish you the very best x

Answer 8

If your husband does not want to adopt then it wouldn’t be fair to him or to an adoptive child for you all to adopt. Nor would it be right for him to just cave and adopt because it will make you happy. That is not fair to the child at all.

If you feel you are unable to have naturally children and you truly don’t want to spend money or time on fertility treatments then you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this. You may have to make some hard choices if you don’t want to do the fertility treatments and he does not want to adopt then you may just have to be childless or you all will have to divorce and you find a man who is willing and wants to adopt or adopt as a single mother.  He finds a woman who can bare him child or at least is willing to spend all the money and do fertility treatments to try and attain that.

Answer 9

Just make sure he understands how you feel. Let him know that there is no way you will be able to have a child born to you but that you have always felt it is your purpose to give a wonderful loving home to a child that needs one.  Just make sure he understands how important adoption is to you and that you think he will make a great father no matter the genetics of the child.

Answer 10

Wow, this sounds like a really hard era in your life.  I am sorry you arent able to conceive, but I understand when you say adoptin a child is a better path for you.  You have to make your husband understand, but also try to understand where he is comng from as well.  Men like to have legacy's and sometimes they dont think it can be with an adopted child.  you have to make hims ee that this child is yours, whether ist adopted or not, being a mother and father is not just about blood, its baout caring, and sacrificing and lots of other things...have a heart-to-heart....good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you.

Answer 11

This truly has to be a decision that you are both comfortable with.  Just as you cannot understand his desire to father a child biologically, he may not be able to understand your desire to adopt.  This is something the two of you really need to sit down and discuss.  Perhaps you can try to get pregnant for a period of time, and then agree if by a certain time you are not pregnant, you can consider adoption.  

You may also want to seek counseling to discuss the issue further.  Trying to create a family - regardless of how you choose to do that - is a stressful experience.  Sometimes it helps to get a unbiased opinion.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 12

I would start by educating him more about international adoption. There are agencies, support groups and private educators.  Maybe if he meets adoptive parents he'll start to understand that the child are their "own". I think it is easier when there is a tangible family that you know, vs the concept of adoption. Once they meet a few dads who say that they couldn't love the child any more.... they'll start to get it. In the end he has to accept the idea, and want the adoption before you can go forward, but it might not be as hard as you think.

Answer 13

If he doesn't want to adopt you cannot force him to.  This is not fair to him, you and especially not fair to the child you would adopt.

Answer 14

Unless BOTH of you are 100% over the grief of not being able to conceive a bio child - and unless your are BOTH 100% about adoption - DO NOT ADOPT.

No child needs parents that don't really want them there.

An adoptee already feels the pain of being rejected from their own bio parents - they don't need to then come into a family where they are not COMPLETELY love and cared for - for just being them. (ie not being the bio child that was longed for)

Not a replacement for another that couldn't be.

Loved - just for being THEM.

Biology makes up at least 50% of us (in the nature v nurture equation) - and an adoptee will NOT be the same as a bio.

I've lived adopted for 38 years - and not living around those that look, act and have talents like me - is hard - on the adoptee - and can be frustrating for the APs.

Research adoption fully. (all sides - especially from the side of the adoptee)

Be honest and open with your husband.

You two have to be 'right' - before any adoptee comes onto the scene.

I with you both all the best.