I'm sad today - have you got a really funny joke for me? thanks!?

Question

I'm sad today - have you got a really funny joke for me? thanks!?

Answer 1

A guy wanted to do something special for his wife so he asked her if she could go anywhere in the world where would she like to go. She said she didn't care as long as it was expensive so

He took her to a gas station.

Hope I cheered you up! : )

Answer 2

-girl: are u sure that u love me and no one else?

boy:dead sure i checked the whole list again!

if a black cat crosses you when u r going sumwhere, what does it mean? it means

.

.

.

.that the cat is also going somewhere.

-Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

-A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator.

-

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

-A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians

-A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

-A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

courtesy of "comedycentral.com"

keep smiling

Answer 3

A man decides to start a sheep farm

so he buys three ewe's

He goes to his local at the night time and tells the other farmers

what he's done

A farmer says have you got ram

He say no How much are they. about £1000 replies  the farmer

I cant afford that he say ,,, what the other  option?  He asks.

The farmer says you"ll have do it youself

So he thinks for a minute ... and says how will i know there

pregnant?

The farmer says after you been with them , the next morning if

there lay down there not pregnant but if there stood up you've

cracked it

So next day he puts them in is truck and drives off to the moors

Shags the three  of them , comes home and goes to bed

Next morning he looks out of the bed room window to see

what they are doing , and there all lay down

So he goes  down puts them in the truck and off to the moors again

This time he shags them twice

Next morning there lay down again

So he goes down puts them in his truck takes them to the

moors and shags them three times each.. By the time he get

home he's feeling very tired , it takes him all his time to get up

the stairs to bed

Next morning he over sleeps , his wife has to wake him up ,,

He says do me a favour love have a look and see what the sheep are

doing, are the lay down? he ask's , she says no.  He thinks bloody

h**l i cracked it , are they stood up ? She said no there in the truck

waiting for you ...................

Answer 4

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'  

Answer 5

if i swallowed a toilet roll would i need to wipe my R-SOLE

Answer 6

  Another Blonde Joke

A philosopher , a mathematician and a blonde all go to h**l. The Devil makes them a deal. If you can stump me, I will let you go to heaven.

The philosopher asks a philosophy question and the Devil snaps his fingers and a book appears and he reads the answer. The mathematician asks a math question and the Devil,again,simply snaps his fingers and a book appears and he answers the math question.



Then the blonde pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it and farts. She asks the Devil,"What hole did the f**t come out of?" The Devil says,"That's easy, all of them." Then the blonde says,"No, it came out of the hole in my as*.  

Answer 7

Why does a king always draw straight lines?

Because he is a ruler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'  

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and  said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'  

  

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and  he smiles.  



'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'  



The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks  about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'  

  

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss  nuclear power when you don't know s**t?

--------

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Answer 9

watch shaun the sheep on cbeebies so funny im crying here with laughing