I'm scared I may be in a potentially abusive situation. can any survivors tell me if this is how abuse starts?

Question

I'm supposed to be getting married next month. However, after only three weeks of living with my fiance, I'm not sure. I can't tell if these are just "growing pains" of getting married or if there's something more serious going on.

Right now, he's extremely stressed out from work, finances and the Army (he's an officer) so maybe i am overreacting.

Here are my issues:

1) Lately, whenever we're play-fighting, he gets really rough and hurts me a little (ie: pushing me hard, twisting my wrist.)

2) He never hugs, kisses or tells me "I Love You" anymore

3) He becomes extremely defensive and angry whenever I try to talk to him about something he's doing that I don't like.

4) He doesn't like my parents. He's cordial at best.

5) When I asked him why he wanted to marry me he said, "We've been dating five years. It was time"

6) He says he's too tired to watch a movie w/me, but if his female friend calls to invite him clubbing, he's wide awake and ready to go

Answer 1

I will tell you to take all of this into consideration before getting married.  It is hard to be married to a soldier... they are gone a lot and most believe in TDY... It means Temporary DutY which is being on duty at a post away from home a couple of months however soldiers have a different definition they use to mean Temporarily Divorced as of Yesterday.  I have been a soldier and would never marry one especially since I have seen some of them go crazy.  I also though wouldn't not marry a man that was exhibiting those type of behavioral changes after knowing him for five years; but that is me.  

You have to make your own decision.

Answer 2

if your unsure about getting married...then dont. but if your jsut not sure of his behavior lately, look at all the things you just listed. it sounds like hes got his plate full right now. and im sure getting married is a big step for him, as it is for you!! so try to talk to him. but dont jump to conclusions. been there, done that. its not worth it, you just need to talk to him. good luck, and dont stress.

Answer 3

The guy I'm seeing has been under a lot of stress at times, and he's never acted like that. Get out NOW.

Answer 4

Run fast and far.  This guy sounds like an abuser in waiting.  i.e.  waiting to get you completely dependent on him so it's harder for you to run off.  Put an end to this NOW.  Don't allow yourself to become a statistic.  From the edit you posted to your question, I'd say you're already beginning to apologize for him and rationalize the abuse.  Get out of this relationship now.  It's better to have a broken heart than broken bones.

Answer 5

I can understand your concerns. I'm sure part of you loves and cares for this man and wants to go through with your plans. You may fear you won't find someone better or that these things are just a rough patch and will smoothe out. These are all valid feelings, but you should not be making a life commitment to this man based on insecurity.

It's ok for him to be stressed at times and for the two of you to have issues. However, hearing a woman say this many problems and questionning her own reaction, while normal, is a little alarming to me.

It sounds like there are many things you're unsatisfied with here that to me are unacceptable. It's ok for him to be tired, to forget to show affection in times of stress or to not get along with your parents. We're all human. To me, it's not ok that he doesn't have a solid reason (i.e. I want to be with you, or I love you) to want to marry you, and it's NOT ok that he hurts you while play-fighting and that this doesn't seem to bother him.

If my boyfriend was too tired to watch a movie with me and went clubbing with a friend and didn't show me affection, he'd be on the curb.

Definitely hold off on the marriage plans. It's OK to have cold feet, but if you are scared that this is a potentially abusive situation, then that means something to you doesn't feel right, and you should seek to remove yourself from this situation before it does become abuse. Do not wait until it's so obvious that you are no longer able to get out of it. Get out now.

You will find another man. One who is caring, tells you that he loves you and shows affection when you need to. The man you should want to marry should be someone you feel safe with, trust and want to spend the rest of your life with because you make each other feel good. Sure, you may have issues, but you will both be willing to work them out!

I know it's hard to come to the realization that someone we care about so much could be abusing us. We feel ashamed and confused and betrayed. It's hard to leave. But you've done nothing wrong. You sound like a very caring and genuine person, and I'm glad you're thinking about this now before you get into it. Good for you.

Take care of yourself.

Answer 6

#1) That is a dominance thing. Not good if you plan to marry him. You will find it happens more and more and each time gets a bit more painful.

#2) It's concidered a control gimik to make you feel like you are doing something wrong so you will try harder to please him  and overlook the harmful things going on.

#3) That's because in his world you should not be talking back to him. He is the one in control - not you.

#4) Classic sign of isolation. Eventually, he will find a way to keep you away from family and friends so you have no one to go to when things get ugly. Isolation = absolute control.

#5) That is not a good reason to marry a good guy and definately not a good reason to marry this guy.

#6) Another domination manouver to show you not only is he in control - but he will make you go along with anything.

You know what? You have made a mistake and this guy is trouble. You are not married to him so get out and go back to your parents where it is safe for a while.

This guy means to hurt you. Listen to that gut feeling. It's seldom wrong.

Answer 7

I don't know if this describes abuse but he does not sound like much of a prize. I would re-evaluate your feelings for him and postpone the wedding if you have any doubts.

Answer 8

yea... call it off. i may not be an adult but trust me i know what im talking about.

Answer 9

Sounds like your typical BAD BOY to me.

If you want to marry Tony Soprano be my guest. But based on what you said, you have all the information you need to know its time to LEAVE him.

If you choose to stay with him under those circumstances, then you have nothing to whine about. Yeah, yeah, yeah... you have feelings for him and you've invested so much time and he used to be nicer and blah, blah, blah... whatever just LEAVE HIM.

Simple...

Answer 10

Sounds like a very angry guy, My cousin was a soldier in Nam and never treated his wife like this, RUN FAR AWAY, YOU DESERVE BETTER

Answer 11

You answered your own question. I have a rule for myself it is never get married (especially to people in the armed forces) and never have kids.

I lived in an abusive environment and the abuser and the abused laughed with each other too but it was still a very bad situation.

If the cons out-number and out-weigh the pros then it isn't worth it. It is certainly not worth your life or happiness. There is more to life than marriage and kids.

Answer 12

if things can get worse; they can also get better..

since you still have a month, use it to try and make things work..

Answer 13

2 words: Get out. Now. The sooner you leave, the better.

Answer 14

Sounds like trouble to me.  Never marry someone out of habit you will eventually drive each other insane.

Answer 15

You have two of the signs of abuse already.

1) he tries to distance you from your support system, like friends and relatives, because he wants to be your only means of self-esteem. That makes it easier to abuse you.

2) he disregards your feelings, emotionally and physically.  You have told him that he is hurting you, and he doesn't care.  If he loved you he wouldn't hurt you.

YOU CAN DO BETTER.  ALONE WOULD BE BETTER.

Answer 16

1) Does he seem genuinely sorry if he hurts you like it's an accident, or does he act like you're overreacting?  Some guys just don't know their own strength and need to be told to lighten up.

2) You're not in the beginning stages of a relationship - no guy will act like he's still courting you after you're engaged.

3) How stupid and insignificant are the things you're questioning him about?  Is it something YOU would be irritated if someone was asking you about?  Nobody likes to be nagged.

4) So?

5) Maybe you should sit down with him and have an honest discussion about what you love about each other.  If that's really his only reason, yes postpone the engagement - you don't want to be stuck in a marriage with a man who can't name a reason why he loves you.

6) Why don't you try going with him clubbing with his friends?  Maybe he feels like he's stuck in a rut of doing the same thing.  Although if this is a constant thing it could be that he's bored or cheating.  Again, take some time to talk/reconnect.

There's nothing that talking with your partner can't fix.  An open, honest relationship can fix much more than asking anonymous people on the internet.

Answer 17

Its hard enough to maintain a military marriage when both people are fully committed, he will always be stressed hes in the Military not the girl scouts. Get out and move on. Tell him next time hes at the club pick up someone new. It will hurt but not forever. You owe it to you him and your family to make an adult decision on this. Especially before you have kids if you don't yet.

Answer 18

5) When I asked him why he wanted to marry me he said, "We've been dating five years. It was time"

MAJOR red flag there. Sounds like a marriage of convenience to me. Do people get married because "it was time?"

6) He says he's too tired to watch a movie w/me, but if his female friend calls to invite him clubbing, he's wide awake and ready to go

Another red flag. He's using you. Get out now!

Answer 19

Darling one, dump this guy.  It will only get worse from here on.  He is a control freak and isn't looking at you like you should be seen.  He is taking you for granted.  The fact that you are asking this question gives you the answer.  You aren't imagining this.  It's real.

If he can't play wrestle with you gently whatever will he do with a child of yours?

Everyone needs affection.  Don't starve yourself.  You need a two way street.

I'd say you will be lucky to get out of this man's life in one piece.  Don't do it alone.

----------been there, done it to death

Answer 20

Put a hold on the wedding. Warning signs are blaring there. Even marriages that start on the best of footings are hard work, ones that start under those circumstances are doomed at best, dangerous and deadly in a worst-case scenario.

Honestly...putting off the wedding may sound painful and a lot of hard work and awkward explanations, but it will be nothing to the sensation of being trapped in a bad and potentially abusive marriage.

Answer 21

The fact that you are worried already that it might be abusive is probably a sign that it actually is.

I have worked with women fleeing from domestic violence and the first mistake people make when they are at the beginnings is to think "maybe I'm imagining it - he's such a great guy". Please trust your intuition.

Separating someone from their friends and family is the first step towards psychological domination and mental abuse. Once he has got separated from the people who care about you, you won't stand a chance.

He is chipping away at your self-esteem already by not saying what's great about you, whilst behaving in a way that suggests you don't really matter.

You really need to find someone who supports you. You've already given him 5 years. Don't waste any more. You'll only live to regret it.