I'm sick of feeling like i'm not capable to make the right decision with the subject i know best.

Question

To make a long story short (it's my intention) i've had my horse for 3 and a half now and it's been a difficult process due to my grandmother, i've wanted a horse all my life, i'm infatuated with the word "horse" alone. My grandmother, out of the kindness of her heart know how badly i wanted a horse i wouldn't have cared if it was god d**n purple to be honest i'd love it anyway, she bought me my first horse Rad, i personally had my heart set on the lesson horse i used for 4 years but my grandmother and her husband had their heart set on me getting this high sprung appaloosa quarter horse who is a pro barrel racer, obviously anyone can agree not the best starter horse for someone with no expierence of having a horse one on one to take care of herself. Okay now you got the basic drift of where my problem really started, Rad and i have fought on and off trying to get along for the past 3 years and it's been a difficult journey but we've conquered it and now we have an understanding with each other and we don't test each others nerves anymore and we get along great, i couldn't be happier with that fact, my big problem is my god d**n grandmother! she doesn't know a thing about horses from a hole in the ground, stupid saying but it fits here i suppose, she thinks that reading all the books she has and the magazines and what not has made her an expert on riding, maintenance, well being ect. I know what's best for my horse, i know what he can eat, can't eat, i know what he likes best ect. I know how to saddle him properly i took lessons for 4 bloody years and she has the nerve to hover over my shoulder every d**n time i'm near my horse and think she's correcting me on my "mistakes" and she'll arrange things her way then get pissy when i literally have to put it back because i know it's not the right way, she has finally left me in charge of feeding him because i'm "a whole year older and can handle it" when she almost friggen coliced my horse to death! can you believe that? she thought 3 flakes of hay and 2 god d**n cups of oats was less then enough for her "prince charming" made of spots and cockiness. I ended up staying up all night walking him around coaxing him to hold on and what not, he is great now and it's been a year, she's laid off a little but still says i'm doing everything wrong, i've attended camps to learn how to do everything the right way, i have obtained the information i learned just fine yet she doesn't believe i do a thing right. Since he's kept on her property i end up going down to the barn to clean up and ride and all of my equipment is moved, if she has read so many books and claims to know everything, then why the h**l does she assume she's right from reading a book or researching online when i've experienced everything first hand, hands on! i've gotten several people to come out and assess me on every move i made and told them i could handle the truth, i've worried myself sick wondering if i really am taking the best of care of my beloved baby boy, yea he pisses me off but i can't find comfort in knowing if i am doing what's best for him or not, i've been close to selling him thinking i wasn't doing anything right, thank god my best friend talked me out of it and i still have him, he's great and adores me, yet i can't help but have a gut feeling...am i really harming him? i've been around horses since day one. Am i overreacting? i can't handle not making my grandmother proud of me, especially when it comes to the subject i thought i had memorized like the back of my hand. Sorry for the rant, please give me your detailed thoughts on this, give me all you got i need to know.

Answer 1

Hrrmmmm....  Not sure you'll accept my advice, since I'm mostly "book smart" when it comes to horses, but I do know a thing or two about dealing with "people" from my many years of experience.  

Firstly, your grandma is only pestering you so much, because she cares.  Yeah, you know that already, but it's good to hold that in mind.  Two, the pedantic types (kinds who read books and call themselves experts) are a real pain in the behind, because they really think they know the answers and have all the books in the world to prove it.  However, all the books in the world can't make up for experience.  (And you should know it's really amazing of me to admit that, because I am one of those pedantic types.)  

Really, it seems to me that you only have three options.

1.) Grow a thicker skin.

2.) Have a sit down serious conversation with your grandmother and let her know that her hovering is ruining the experience for you.  You can appeal to your grandmother's "knowledge" of horses by letting her know that you will turn to her if there is ever a problem you can't solve, but could she please back off and let you figure things out on your own.  I'm afraid that the "I know more than you, because of blank and blank and blank." line does not work with the pedantic types, because you just engage them in a bigger fight and give them a reason to go running for their precious books to prove you wrong.  So, just don't even bother with that tactic anymore.

3.) If suggestion two does not lead to a satisfactory solution, then look into moving your horse to a different stable.  Your grandma may be very hurt by such a move, but if it's better for you and your horse, you can always work on soothing her hurt pride later.  However, don't think that even this will solve your problem.  The horse world is FULL of know-it-alls, some of which really know nothing, some of which know a lot on one or two topics and virtually nothing on everything else but they're convinced they're always right, and some who really DO know it all.  All of them will drive you nuts!  And worse, there's no way to escape them for good.  Which leads us back to solution one.  

My strongest suggestion is this:  Find a trusted family member who knows both you and your grandmother well and calmly talk to him or her about the problem.  That person may be able to help you better than any stranger, because they're more intimite with your unique personality quirks.  Really, that's all it boils down to in the end, two personalities that aren't meshing in an area of your life that is very important to you.  Be sure that you don't "trash talk" in the conversation, or your problem will only get worse.  This person may help you see things from a perspective you haven't considered before, or be able to explain why your grandma behaves in certain ways sometimes.  Again, make sure that there is no "trash talking" involved or the situation will escalate.  Use a "here's my problem and I need advice to work things out between us" perspective, not a "oh my god, she did THIS and it made me SO MAD" perspective.

Answer 2

Gramma bought you a horse?

You are lucky

Does Gramma care for the horse when you are not there? Yup

You are lucky.

Bottom line - Gramma's barn  = keep the equiptment where Gramma says!

ALL boarding barns will TELL you where to keep your stuff, you do not get to choose...

Ask Gramma to show you the article that said to do "whatever" - then you can both discuss whether it will work in your situation.

Gramma may just have read some stuff YOU have not been taught yet!

2 cups of oats should not colic an adult horse...actually oats are not the best thing to feed as they are mainly just a filler with little to no nutritional content ...

Ask Gramma to look into what the horse should be fed based on what the horse is doing (being used for & how often) the horses' size,health,age etc.

Give her tasks - and ask to see what she came up with (pics/ideas on how to set up a barn) - you CAN learn with her !

You need to realize how lucky you are and how much you can BOTH benefit from this!

Answer 3

One word....compromise.  Your grandmother wants to be needed and respected.  Try not to butt heads with her...listen and do what she wants whenever it isn't a major safety issue.  Read what she is reading and share in the knowledge, and discuss the information with her.  this is a solvable problem if you approach it with the right attitude.  I wish you the best....I am a grandmother, and I would be heartbroken if my grandchildren felt as you do....I'm sure yours wants to share the experience with you, and wants your happiness.

Answer 4

heres some tips, if you have a legitimate question ask it up front, let your story paint the picture after the fact. Also use some breaks in your paragraphs, it was a chore trying to read all that. I basically gave up after having to try and find where exactly i left off last.

Answer 5

when grandma talks just go LA LA LA LA LA LA LA in your head your doing just fine darlin' keep it up and have fun with your boy!

Answer 6

i think it still looks like a long story.

but dont sell him :]]

Answer 7

Let me summarize for you.

You wanted a horse so badly you couldn't see straight...  Your grandmother bought it for you and keeps it at her house and expense.

You've had problems with the horse for 3 years and your grandmother has read and read and done everything she can to try and help you.

You're an emotional mess who loves her horse but is pissed off at him or worried sick about him.

You're totally uncertain about how you're taking care of the horse, so your grandmother tries to help you out by learning this stuff and making suggestions, but you refuse to listen.

Your grandmother continues to let you keep the horse at her house, and you can't respect her right to keep her barn her way.

And in return for all her efforts, you swear at her and call her names and have not one kind word for the great gifts she's given you?

I'm sorry, I'm not finding myself overflowing with sympathy for you.    She's doing all the giving; you're doing all the taking.

Detailed suggestion:   Take a step back and look at your own behavior, and how it must look and feel to those around you.  Be a giver, not just a taker.

Grow up.

Answer 8

thats what my mom is like

my mom has watched and now since she has never taken lessons, but has just watched my sister and i with our horses she thinks she knows everything

she thinks she can train a 7 year old horse (SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO RIDE!!!!!)

she thinks im doing everything wrong and that her way is right (hey shes a typical horse person)

your doing everything right

this doesnt have anything to do with horses but it does have to do with my gma

i play the violin

she was a professional violinist when she was younger

i cant play my violin for her cause no matter how well i play she finds something to criticize..

ere have been many times where ive considered dropping the violin cause she made me feel like i was soooo bad at it

i have kept it up however and have just gotten better and better and she has lightened up on criticizing me so much

i still dont play for her cause she makes me feel so bad

if you can avoid riding when your grandmas around that would be really good

it will bring your confidence up ALOT

u will be alot happier and will be more likely to improve more and more

good luck

happy trails

Answer 9

Sounds like your grandmother bought a horse for her, not you.  HA!  

Apart from that, bear in mind that no one knows everything about horses - and there's far too many people out there that think that they do.  Don't be one of them.  Listen to your grandmother if for no other reason than out of respect.  Just the fact that you have the chance to interact with your grandmother is special - most grandchildren wouldn't dare spend the kind of time you do with their grandparents.  And even though she may not be able to impart any horse-related wisdom to you, she has a whole lot of life experience that you don't have.  I am sure you could learn a lot from her in this department.  In her attempts to correct you, she may be simply trying to be involved with you because she loves you.  She may be way off, but I am sure all of it is motivated out of love.

Here's some ideas that might help you deal with this:

1. Do what you've been properly taught to do and when she steps in to correct you, divert her by asking her to go get something or by asking a question about her life.  Getting her mind off of what she may not know much about and getting in on something she IS an expert in might make the experience enjoyable for the both of you.  She'll feel like you have a genuine interest in what she does know about and hopefully, you can carry on with what you are doing.  Maybe it will bring you two closer and reduce the tension and irritation you are experiencing.

2. If there's any way for you to get another horse so your grandmother could care for one and you the other, that would be good, too.  Of course this is assuming your grandmother is capable of going along for a ride from time to time.

3. Invite a trainer or someone more experienced in horses to the barn.  Explain the situation beforehand (about your grandmother) and let them know that you are interested in learning if there's anything you are doing wrong.  Ask them to clarify situations that arise when your grandmother steps in to correct you.  You could ask this more experienced person (right in front of your grandmother) "What do you think about this?" or "Do you agree with my grandmother?".  Having someone act as a mediator might do the trick to make your grandmother understand her lack of expertise - and she'll take it a lot better coming from someone other than you.

4. Honesty is always the best policy.  You seem really irritated and upset about all of this.  Find a time when you are calm and rational about all of it.  Explain to your grandmother how her constant criticisms and butting-in make you feel.  Keep the swearing out of it.  Regardless of her reaction, she'll come to be very proud of your maturity in expressing yourself to her - if you do it in a mature manner.  

5. If all else fails, try to find some other place to board your horse.  Explain to your grandmother that you want lessons or something.  Maybe there's another place accessible to you with trails, jumps, etc. that you currently don't have access to.  Maybe you have a friend with space available for your horse.  You could tell your grandmother that you really want to be able to ride with friends.

Just remember that we've all got something to learn.  It's when we think we know it all that horses teach us that we don't.  Just consider yourself lucky if your horse's lessons for you don't involve accidents.

Good luck with your horse, Rad.  Best wishes with dealing with your grandmother.    

Answer 10

Take a step back if you can't work it out with your grandmother maybe you should go through the pros and cons of owning him. I owned a thoroughbred mare who did her best to make my life h**l at sometimes yet would be my soul mate other days. I kept her at my uncles property and his girlfreind used to blame everything on my mare. She dragged me then when i put her out in the paddock she tried to kick me and galloped off, broke my toe threw me off and bit me all on the same day. She got an ulcerated eye and nearly cut her foot off in a storm, she was always a worry. Then came the drought and i had to sell her, i keep in touch with the owner so i can go visit her, and then she misses me so much the time i spend with her when i visit her is good.

Answer 11

you are doing FINE! dont sell him

grandmas are pains!!!!!!

trust me, i know haha

you love them and hate them

you love your horse and thats all ya need!

ahh i hate it when they think the know all

about horses cuz they read a few books!

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