I'm sick to my stomach & I think this is over

Question

My BF of 9months has been deployed for 3months in Japan; he will be back in December. He left me house sitting (I have my own place & go check on his). We had both express a desire to get married. He has 15 yrs. In the navy and has been trying to become a chief for the past 3 years, since he didn’t make it this year he’s thinking about either:

1_ signing up for a tour in Iraq to go for at least a year, 0r

2_Get his aeronautical degree but stay in this same city for at least another year.

He told me he is leaning towards Iraq, and that it would be easy as he is single and has no family to move around. I was in shock & didn’t ask “what about us” as in the whole conversation he didn’t metion our relationship. So I sent him an email later & told him that I didn’t felt a factor on this decision but that it was his decision and I would support whichever. HE email back saying: “Baby, you are a part of this decision why do you think it is so hard for me. That is why I was talking to you about it, I have a lot of thinking to do and I don't like being in this position. I miss you everyday. Love you”

I don’t know what to say, it seems to me he made his mind already. As I’m hurting I can’t think clearly in this whole thing. What Should I answer back? What do you think about this? I'm over reacting?

Answer 1

I understand how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship with a military man (my hubby has been deployed for a year now) and how hard it is to reconcile yourself with the decisions they have to make regarding their careers. This is not meant to man bash, but women and men communicate on TOTALLY different levels. It sounds to me like he was involving you in his decisions. The best advice I can offer you is to be open and honest with him without being naggy or whining. Just tell him what you think of his plan and what you would like to see happen as far as his career progression. Just remember, being with a military guy, especially a career one, is very hard. The most important tool you have for the relationship is communication.  

Answer 2

In order to make Chief in the Navy you have to be the best of the best to even be considered. If he is in a rating that has low a advancement percentage he needs to think about what will get him looked at. An IA tour is big right now with the selection boards. It's a big deal and will help him get the look at his profile that he's wanting. I'm sure he doesn't mean to exclude you in his decision but this is his career and at 15 years (16 when he submits his package next year) he doesn't have many chances left at making chief. If he's selected next year he wouldn't put it on until september and would only have it 3 years (right at 20) before he'd be eligible for senior chief consideration. That puts his career goals under a bit of pressure to make it this next time up.

Now is the time for him to think about and act on getting as far as he can to ensure the biggest retirement check possible. I'm sure he meant no harm in what he said, he was just talking about it out loud.

Give him a bit of slack and forgive him this time. He's doing it for both of you in the long run.

EDIT: looked at your other questions and it seems like you are trying to get people to answer you with the answer you want to hear. You complained about being a single mom (not his child) and not getting enough child support but he was gambling at a casino - You do realize that after 9 months (3 of which he hasn't been there) you are not entitled to any of his money right? Suck it up and get a better job or make do without. Your child is not his responsibility.

Answer 3

Hi I know it must be hard, but perhaps he also wants to do well and do his 20 years. I mean it has d**n good benefits and if you get married you'd be getting them as well. Don't worry. If you need more support and advice head on over to http://www.mynavyonline.com Im KJC88 there we can help a lot more.

Don't worry, I'm sure every decision he makes it also based around you.

Answer 4

Well he might of had to make rush decide and didn't have time think through with you. Remember he is a man in the military trying to do what's best for his career. Now he should have at least gave you a head's up maybe in a round about way. Promotions at his level (which I am where he wants to go in the senior ranks) are hard o get.

So talk it over, let him go to Iraq, do his thing, and come back then work things out.

Also lastly, you might want re-think the relationship since you might be too careerminded right now....it happens or you can hang in there and not stress. If you to marry a guy in the military this what you have to look forward to.

My 2 cents.

Answer 5

Sweetie , he is the one that has to serve his country please let him make that choice and be supportive about it. There will be many big decisions that he  want be able to help you out with. Let it go and bless the decision that he makes.