I'm so afraid of becoming like my mother!?

Question

Hi! This fear is making me unhappy. It is paralyzing me to the point in which I do not know what to do.

I feel crushed and paralyzed by 2 thought patterns and find myself confused.

Here is the deal. My mom is ever yelling, ever controlling, always mad, nobody wants to be near her, but I live with her, here's the 2 conflicting thoughts that arise in my head:

1) In order to be happy, I should let my mom just do whatever she does, please her, not confront her, give-in to her demands, etc... (in order to maintain peace)

2) I should take control of life. This one is more attractive to me, but I'm just to afraid. Why? because my grandmother was exactly like my mother! and I know for a fact that my mother decided to take control of her life, to do the stuff SHE wanted, she told all her life she didn't want to become like her mother,

but at the end ( I don't know if she realizes it), but she became exactly like her! in her fight to rebel against her, she became her.

I am afraid that this might happen to me. I am very afraid. That's why sometimes I don't confront her, because I'm afraid of becoming this ever-mad person.

I am so afraid because both my mom and my grandma ended so alone, and my grandmother's death was miserable. Nobody took care of her when sick, had her leg amputated due to Diabetes, and died vomiting blood.

My mom is on the same path as her.

I rebel against living with someone like this until she dies. I feel guilty for it, and at this moment I'm not in the condition to seek independence.

And even if I ever get to that point, I'm afraid that I'll end up like my mom. Seeking independence and fighting against the image of her mom, she became exactly like her.

I'm so afraid. This makes me want to cry. Please, help me.

Thank you so much.

Answer 1

I am in the same boat you are.  The only difference is i am currently working on gettin the h**l out of my house.  But the way i've been handling it...I guess I have become numb to it sort of.  I feel sure that I won't end up like her, it's just listening to her and being around her that I have to deal with.  When she yells, I calmy say "hey, I don't have a problem doing that for you but I'd appreciate it if you wouldnt yell at me" or something along those lines.

Try not to rebel against it, thats how you'll end up like her.  Let it go through one ear, and let most of it out the other.  Understand that you are not your mother, and you have control of who you become.  

Confront her EVERYTIME you feel like it.  But do so calmly and collected.  Rationalize and tell her to get a grip (just not in those words)

hope i helped! :)

Answer 2

I understand this... my own mom tends to alienate people around her due to her sharp tongue. I sometimes find myself doing that and I don't like it at all (well, snarky is fun sometimes.)

You have to figure out who you are and who you want to be, then live that path. If that means conflict with your mom sometimes, so be it. It's not rebelling, it's growing up.

Answer 3

Hi, you sound in a dreadful bind.

One thing that can help is if you understand what is driving her, and then maybe you can catch whatever is in you that is the same.

It sounds like your Mother has what I call some UNBEARABLE FEELINGS. Not unpleasant, but what she has decided are unbearable.

"I must not be disappointed at any time, that is unbearable."

"I must always be heard (hence the yelling) or I am not respected, loved, cared for."

"I must be in control at all times or I am in danger because being out of control gives others the right to bully me".

A bully is someone who cannot stand the thought that they themselves may be bullied, so they go right over into the other ditch on the other side of the road and bully instead. They are basically marching to the drumbeat of "survival".

How to keep safe around your Mother:

In summary, the one thing that characterizes all of these controlling, antagonistic people is that, due to the absence of basic trust (never learned in childhood) they CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH OR DISAPPOINTMENT. Face them up with it and see what happens. They live in a world where they project their own opinions, views and concepts on everyone through their own filter of life. Their agenda is to avoid feeling powerless, controlled, bullied, diappointment, unheard at all costs. They always live in a world of dumping verdicts.

Why are they indulged in their nonsense.??..is the question you need to ask yourself. Assertiveness skills training, learning to be Gentle, Brief, Early, Specific and point out the natural consequenses of their behaviour to them. Remember your boundaries and keep your dignity. Their response is always their responsibility. You have the right to keep yourself safe.

Books to read

"People of the Lie" M.Scott Peck

Untwisting twisted Relationships by William backhus

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Keruger & Mason

Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend

When Caring is not Enough by David Augsberger

Hope some of this helps you. All the best for your future.

Mel