I'm the only father he's ever known. Started dating his mother when she was pregnant. How do we tell him ?

Question

Quick summary:

Bio- father wanted nothing to do with it. We moved far away, got married when Noah was three and I legally adopted him about 4 years ago, when he was seven.

Noah's eleven now. We have had two more children together. The younger ones look similar to each other and less like Noah.

Integrity is one of the big priorities in our family-

So we feel that we should tell him and make sure he understands, but are worried about wrecking him at a tender age. We are kicking ourselves for not doing it when he was a toddler, but it is what it is.

What would be the best way to do this? Would there be a particular verbiage that would be considered best for his age?

Any advice would be great, especially from adoptee's...

Answer 1

YOU ARE THE DAD!!    Sperm does not make a Dad.  You provide for him, love him...THAT MAKES A DAD!  Why would you take the slightest chance of putting a wedge in your family?  TRUST ME...MOUTHS CLOSED!!

Answer 2

I was married when my daughter was 2  1/2...Her bio dad gave up rights when she was 6 weeks old..She's now 15..There's no good time to tell them but they need to know..We told her when she was about 13 and it would have been so much easier to tell her before...She wanted to know why she looked different, they started talking about genetics in school..Dominate and recessive genes.Why her 2nd toe was longer, her coloring, you name it..We were kind of forced into telling her..We went and talked to an adoption counselor a few times beforehand..It's a touchy subject and it's difficult, but she's doing fine..We just sat her down and told her..She was upset but she's starting to figure out who she is now..The longer you wait, the harder it gets..Trust me..

Answer 3

Tell him there was a sperm donor.  My step Dad never adopted me but has been there for me since I was 4. My bio father would be in and out of my life but he was never what I would call a Dad. My step dad was there when I was in the hospital, sick at home and there for  the good stuff too. He gave me away at my wedding and I named my son after him. I refer to my bio father as my sperm donor alot. We had a family reunion this year and I saw him there, from a distance. I am close to his brothers.  So lay it on the line, tell him there was sperm donor but you have been there every since. Its sort of like Joesph and Mary. She was pregnant when he married her and Joesph adopted him

Answer 4

You're right, it would have been better for him to know from the beginning...but you can't go back & change it, so no value in kicking yourself over it.  Just move on from here.

I think you should tell him now & just talk to him...just let him know that you're his "real" dad because you are the one who's been there from the beginning...helping change diapers, cleaning up vomit & other messes, kissing boo-boos, etc.  And that he's special because you CHOSE to be his daddy and that you did choose that because he's a worthwhile, lovable, valuable young person who you wanted in your life.

You can use this to make him feel very treasured.

Don't be surprised if he asks a lot of questions (maybe not right off the bat, but definitely as time goes on I would expect it) about his biological father & why he "didn't want" him, etc.  Give him answers that are age appropriate but truthful.  Try to frame the answers in that the bio father made a choice to not stick around & that it's the bio father who is really missing out b/c he's such a great kid & a blessing  You can frame it so that his self image is protected and maybe even bolstered.

Be prepared to get some counseling for him as he works through the grief, loss and confusion he's likely to experience as he digests the information.

May God bless you as you let him know what's going on!

Answer 5

i think that you should talk to him and how a father isnt blood its the person who has been ans loved u since the very beginning. tell him that your not the father but u love him 10 times more than  aregular father would like. i know its hard i hope it turns out well

Answer 6

listen i have a best freind and she only spent 1 night with her real mom she under stood but there is no easy way so sit him down and tell him the truth but tell him u love and he is like a son to u.

Answer 7

Tell him the truth.

It is his truth - and he has a right to know it - fully.

Some great advice given above for ways to do that.

Please - just do it. The longer you wait - the worse it will get.

Also - have faith in your relationship with him. If you have loved him without question - he will do the same in return.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Hi!  I'm adopted and have always known about it.  You really, really must tell Noah the truth sooner rather than later.  Kids are much more accepting than adults and the older he gets the harder its going to be for everyone.  He'll probably have lots of questions like why you never told him before to which you need to tell him that he is your son and will always be so to you he's never been your adopted child.  Prepare yourself for questions about his biological father.  Not knowing can be really difficult, but again you need to be honest with him and explain that his biological father made the decision that he didn't want to be part of Noah's life.  He may be angry to start with but at the end of the day you are his dad and always will be.  His love for you will never change.  I cannot imagine feeling about anyone else the way I do about my dad!

Another HUGE reason for telling him is that if for whatever reason heaven forbid he ever needs an organ donated or his children ever do he would not understand why his dad can't help him.

Please make the right decision and let him know.  Once you've all got used to the idea as a family it will make you stronger.  Good luck!

Answer 9

I was eleven years old when I was told and I was LIVID!!! I always tell my mom that I would have either rather known ALWAYS, or never know at all. You need to tell that child as soon as you can. He may be hurt and confused at first, but eventually he will realize what you did and love you that much more for it.

Answer 10

Id put him through a happy day first. Take him to a movie or amusement park for the day, then get some Dairy Queen or get a tub from Walmart, and discuss the whole adoption thing. The sweetness of icecream or other sugary things will help calm any bad emotions he may feel, like sadness. Also, make sure you tell him on a day when theres no school afterwards, such as the Friday or Saturday of a long weekend (my schools getting a three-day in November, but Im not sure about everywhere else). That way he has a chance to calm down a bit.

Im not an adoptee (Im only 14), nor was I adopted, but I know psychology, and I hope I helped. If you ARE the only father hes ever known, he probably wont feel much difference towards you. Natural curiosity will ensue about his real father, as I assume youve already figured out, so you should be prepared for that. Ive heard of cases where it can get a bit too obsessive, but you shouldnt worry.

My concept is that you arent exactly family by blood. Youre family with those who you love, and those who love you. Yah. Pretty simple, I know, but its always proved with cases such as yours.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out fine

Answer 11

Same thing.  Found out when I was 14 (by accident).  doesn't bother me but keep in mind that anyone can be a FATHER but what you do about it makes you a DAD!!

hope it all works out for the best.  Good luck to you.

Answer 12

there are books on how you tell a child they are adopted you can tailor it to your sitiutuion

Answer 13

I remember when I was told there was no Santa Claus.  It didn't bother me that there wasn't one, it was just the fact that I felt like a fool when my friends knew and I didn't .  I was in the 3rd grade. Not knowing things until later have an impact at the moment, but it will not traumatize Noah.

I think that what I would do is sit down with your son and say, I have been wanting to tell you this for along time, but wanted to tell you when I thought you were old enough to really understand and I am sorry that I haven't told you sooner.  I have known you since you were....age  and I have loved you and your mom all of this time.  You are very special to me and you and your siblings make a complete family..... and then proceed to tell him the story.  Kids are pretty smart, they catch on to alot of things.  Even though you didn't tell him earlier, I think that I would still want to know now at this age then when he was a teenager and wondered why there was such a deep dark secret.  Be prepared for alot of questions he may ask now and as time goes by.

Answer 14

This happened with a cousin of mine who was adopted and looks nothing his his brother and sister. You shouldn't just show him that he's as much a part of the family as your other children (which I'm sure he allready knows). You should just come out and let him know rather than drag it out.

I'm not sure how old my cousin was when they told him or how they went about letting him know. He's always been the same towards his parents and he knows he's his moms favorite.

Answer 15

OK let me tell you this...my older sister was adopted by my father...same situation as yours her father wanted nothing to do with her and still to this day wants nothing to do with her and she is 38 yrs old! My parents told her and so she wanted to know because the curiosity got the best of her and she wanted to get answers to questions...needless to say he broke her heart over and over again...she says she wishes that she never knew because of what a jerk he was to her...he had a new family and Joy wasn't to be part of it. I would wait until he is an adult and able to handle the situation if something like this would happen. He is a happy go lucky kid and even though it is eating you guys up which it shouldn't because technically you are his daddy...I would wait til he is about 18 and out of school so there isn't problems with that...my sister got so depressed afterward that she almost failed out of school and almost didn't graduate because of her depression...don't do it to him...wait until he is older and then print these answers so you can have proof that you had every intention of telling him but you wanted to wait in case the worst happened and you did that out of the love you had for your child.

Answer 16

Don't ever lie to him.

Introduce the idea as soon as possible.  Make it clear that you love him and love his mom.  Make sure that you don't make him feel like you accepted him because you had to, but rather because you wanted to.  Above all, don't treat him as different from the other kids.  Don't spoil him, don't ignore him, don't point out every instance where adoption is mentioned.  Treat him just like he is your biological child.  

Unless there is a GOOD reason, don't put his biological father down or talk badly about him.  Simply explain that he decided that he didn't want to be with his mother anymore, and that he wanted his son to have a good family.  I know that If you have FACTS that indicate that this isn't the case, just tell him the facts and tell him that you love him.  Like I said, don't lie to him.  If you do, he will find out, and he may have trouble trusting you in the future.  If you treat him like a mature person, he will feel like one.

Answer 17

I think your wife should watch your other children while you and Noah plan  a special 'father's' day just for the two of you. Some time during the day, he will ask you why since it isn't a special occasion like his birthday or really father's day and you can tell him that now that he's the 'little' man that you're so proud of, you decided he was old enough to understand that you chose him to be your son so you felt you needed a special day for just the two of you. My step children are more loving than my 'own' sometimes. I raised four 'chosen' children.

Answer 18

If you wish to tell him then have him sit down alone (away from his brothers and sisters) and tell him that no matter what he is YOUR son. Tell him your blood doesn't flow in his veins but he is always in your heart. He is lucky to have what he does because he got to CHOSE his family when the other kids kinda got stuck with theirs lol. Believe it or not blood is not thicker then water as some people say. It doesn't take blood to make a family. It takes love. The biological father could not handle the responsibility that it takes to raise a child so his mother stepped up and covered both roles until she found his "True Father" that would love him and take care of him as a real father should.

I personally wouldn't say anything unless it was for medical reasons like something ran in the biological side of the family  that he might have trouble with or his children might. Even a DNA test can not prove 100% who the parent is. Look up a few cases where the parent who literally gave birth it said they were no the child's blood due to a rare sypmtom like the parent has two types of DNA in their sytem. For example blood is one DNA but sperm is another. It is very rare but does happen. One lady gave birth to three children and had the DNA test done in the delivery room yet still all three came back on the test as not hers.

Answer 19

same situation.  my son adores the fact that i was wiht his mom when she needed me.  I'm sure your'e oldest will too.  like you said integrity is big.  nothing  but honesty is the only way here.  better now than later.

Answer 20

I would sit him down and explain to him that you made an awful mistake, and it's time for you to come clean.  After all, isn't that what you teach him to do in similar situations?  Tell him the WHOLE story, with all the details.  Explain exactly what you were thinking when the situation occured, and how your feelings about the situation changed over time.

Whatever you do, don't go into this with an attitude of shame.  He will interpret that as a sign that he has caused you pain and guilt.  Discuss it like an adult, and treat him like one.  You might be surprised at his reaction.  He may think that it's 'cool' or 'neat' to have a 'secret' identity.  

On a side note....My own adoption was clear to me from the time I was old enough to concieve of such an idea.  You need to look at your above statement.

'Integrity is one of the big priorities...'

How so?  How can you allow yourself to believe this?  Lying to a child is MUCH worse than lying to an adult.  A child believes that his parents are demi-gods.  They are the protectors, the wise, the strong.  You need to rectify this situation.  If you wait, your child may never forgive you.  And...he will find out.  Stuff like this ALWAYS comes back to haunt you.  Do the right thing.

Answer 21

I'm probably not the best advicer since, I haven't had the experience, but, if you love him and you have been Noha's father, there are other ways to be a father than biological ways, and it's wonderful if you both have a bond, and love each other, just be sure to tell him you feel the same way as with his brothers, and thet nothing has to change between you, 'cause you're his DAD and he has always been YOUR SON.

Answer 22

Unfortunately, you can expect some difficulties, and will have to prepare for them.  This is simply the old way of adoption, and not done at all anymore.  His trust in life, you, himself, may be damaged.   Prepare for this by setting u p some good adoption counseling for yourselves first.  Call any licensed adoption agency.  Most of the qualified Master's level Social Workers there can do counseling  for a small fee.  With guidance, you will get through this.

Prepare this child by making sure he is first exposed to all kinds of loving families -- grandparents raising grandchildren, single parents, adoptive families, etc.  Look around at your church, neighborhood, etc. and have some light converstation about different kinds of families with all your children.  Ask how they feel about family, what it means to be family.  Make a post that all the chldren contribute to.  List all the (non-biological) definitions of family ways (People who trust each other.  People you can share with.  People you live with.)  In other words, start general (not about him), and move toward personal (about him).  Share your attitudes in small conversations and observations.  Begin to make positive comments about the things you have in common as a family -- dad and son both like country music, mom and daughter are both artistic, all of you like pepperoni pizza, etc.  Show him that there are ways they everyone in the family is similar.  When you are fully prepared to talk with him, after this foundation is firmly laid, and the couseling has taken place with the two of you, talk about his birthfather as not being able to take care of "a" child (not "him").  Of course, never again say things like that this man "wanted nothing to do with it".  You must realize this: Your son's self concept and ego will partly come who this man is, like it or not.  He will naturally struggle with what parts of this man to accept and which to reject.  But it is his issue.  This man will likely be part of his identity, whether you want it to be or not.  Talk about how much you loved him as a little boy, and how he was so much fun that you just had to have more kids like him!  Talk about how adopting him was one of the happiest days of your life.  Talk about how priveldged you feel to be his Dad and that nothing on earth can change that.

Expect inner turmoil and confusion.  Expect that he may act out or hide his feelings.  Give him a chance to work things through.  Be patient and understanding.  This may be a huge blow to him.  He may question who he is.  Stand by, hold on, get help, and support his journey.

And to all new adoptive parent/step-parents out there, take this in.  Talk to your child about adoption from the DAY you are with them!  Make it natural and easy.  Practice talking about it until it feels natural, and by that time they will begin to see the look on your face, hear the tone in your voice, and associatate all positive things with adoption.  

I hope this helps you.  i wish you all well.

(FYI, do not put your child's name on the internet.)

Answer 23

I was adopted at birth. My adoptive parents thought I was a cute baby, that is why they got me. When I was 8, I asked my mom why I didn't look like her, because I have strawberry blond hair and my adoptive parents have brown hair. My mom tried at that time to explain that I was adopted. That my biological mother was too young to take care of me (she was 15 when she had me) Many years later when I turned 19 I had tried to look for my biological mother. The adoption records were kept closed. I only gathered a little bit of information from the agency.

As I was growing up with my adoptive parents, they became abusive towards me, starting at around age 4. By the time I was 11 I was put into a foster home. I had been in 4 foster homes from 11-14 yrs old. I had an identity crisis for a short period of time, with what was going on in my life. My parents found out that I was almost completely deaf at age 4. That is when I started to wear a hearing aid at that age.

My parents discriminated people with disabilities, so they abused me and blamed me for everything and anything.

My adoptive parents adopted another baby, different sets of parents, and then My adoptive parents have a biological child, of their own.