I'm thinking about giving my baby up for adoption who should i chose to adopt her? family or stranger?

Question

I'm 24 single mom of a wonderful 1 1/2 yr old daughter and now pregnant with a different mans child. My first babys father promised me the world and we planned for nearly a year to get pregnant then i finnaly did and in the middle of my pregnancy he has a mid life crises and decides he's not ready to be a father and ditches me shortly after our daughter is born. so as i struggle to be a single parent a year after her father and i split i decided to start dating again. i met a guy (22yrs old)who i thought was great but then my birthcontrol failed, i allowed him to make the decision on weather or not to keep the baby if he thought he was up for the life changing challenge. i told him to consult friends family and counselors to help make his decision. well durring his two week "thinking" i slowly discovered he was a no good alcoholic that couln't keep a job. so i thought i should just abort the baby but when i talked with him about it he beggged me to keep it swore he'd do every thing in his power to take care of my child and i and our new baby. so he worked, told me to quit my job so i could be a stay at home mom with my daughter and the new baby when it came and we were saving up to get an place together. over the next three months he repetitivly lied to me about drinking and being drunk and stole alcohol from my parents. so we broke up and i told him i wouldnt get back with him until he went to rehab. but then acouple weeks later he got arrested for drunk in puplic and is now being held on other charges from his "dumb acts" over the past couple years. now he doesn't know how long exactly he'll be in, he may or may not be out before the baby is born. i still do not want him in my life until he goes through rehab to quit drinking. but i do not want to be with him.

so at this point i only have a couple months before the baby is due and i don't have a job, i'm living with my parents and leaving town for a month to visit my first babys daddy. so when i get back i'll only have about 12 weeks before ther babys born. i've been trying to get a job but no one wants to hire me for only 12 weeks. i can continue to live with my parents except i have a job opertunity in an other state as well as my best friends live there to. but a also cant afford to move their with a new baby. my mother is already not to happy about the fact i'm having an other baby and my only other family is my brother who already has two kids and knows how hard it is even though he's married. so my family and friends really worrie about how i will be able to raise both children single handedly.

i know about state assistance ok, i was on it for the first 6 months of my daughters life, state assistance ( at least in this state) really doesn't help you help your self because of their requirements such as hours of 'work study' along with job training classes even if you have a job in order to recieve their assistance they are manditory. just trust me its not a very good program it makes you dependent on them along with never getting time to see your child(ren) because of those reqirements. so trying to get help form the state to rais two children is out of the question.

so to get to the point i've been really depressed think about how hard its going to be on both my children with their mother always gone at work struggling to keep them in daycare. i've started to concider adoption for the new baby. at first i was like no way can i do this but it would be selfish of me if i gave both my children a hard life because i refused to do the right thing. now that i've explored a couple adoption agencies i'm feeling more confident that i'll be able to emotionally get past it.

i can't decided if i want open adoption or not. sure i would love to know how my child is doing but what if some accident happened and my child dies would i be able to forgive myself or the adoptive parents? eh, i don't know. so i think i want to go with the closed adoption, sure my kid may hate me wondering why i kept one child but not the other or why i gave her up in the first place. or she maybe interseted to find me when she's 18, and i'm ok with both.

but then as i was reading some testimonies some one brought up a great point about allowing close family to adopt my child becuase then i would still be able to be a part of my childs life. now one time i'm not sure if it was jokingly or not, but my mother asked me if i would emotionally be ably to handle being a surroget mother for her and her husband. at the time (before i got prego 2nd time) i was like no way. but now that i'm curious to what adoption options i have should i consider my mother? and if i do consider her should the baby be raised knowing i'm her mother or thinking 'grandmas' he rmother? i haven't talked with her about it she doesnt even know i'm considering adoption yet. how should i bring this up should i bring this up?

please respect my choices. as i will respect your opinion. just dont bash me, be honest but dont bash me please.

Answer 1

wow good on you girl its so nice that your putting the baby first . its not going to be easy i was adopted when i was 4 weeks old last week i was reading the birth and adoption records of what my real mum went through it must have been hard but i thank her for doing it .as i have had a great life . both me and my hubby are looking to adopt . i hope everything works out for you both take care  

Answer 2

stranger, make sure you know its a good family though.

good luck.

xo

Answer 3

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position. Actually there are a lot of similarities to the situation for my daughter's natural mother. She was your age and had a 20 mo old daughter by another man who she was raising on her own when my daughter was born. She was living with her parents and knew she couldn't take on  another child to raise. She chose us, and we met at the hospital, but we don't have contact now, because she prefers that. We have told her she may contact us at anytime in the future if she likes.

My daughter is now 2.5 yrs old, and her big sister would be about 4.5 yrs.  I think about them often and hope that they are doing well, and that she feels good about the adoption, but I don't really know. I know my daughter is extremely happy, healthy, smart and a joy to be with.

It is difficult for me to say what you should do, but I think exploring your options is a good idea. You might want an open adoption that doesn't have a lot of contact, so you know what is going on but don't have to be involved too much. Of course it is up to you, but this might work since you don't know what you want. Also you can increase/decrease the contact over time when you decide what is right.

Personally I think having your mom adopt the child would be extremely difficult since your "sister" would really be your child. Also it would really complicate your relationship with both your mother and your daughter. Especially since your mother disapproves of your pregnancy, and you might feel she's one thing pushing you to make an adoption  plan for your child. But whatever you decide I would be open and honest with your children about it.

When the time comes I hope you'll be able to make a decision that is right for you and your child, and that you'll feel comfortable with. All the best.

Answer 4

hmmm.  i will not "bash' you. i personally think that bashing people in bad situations is pretty stank.  but...i must say that it appears to me that your decision to have children is very contingent upon your partner(s).  that's a very slippery slope.

relationships come and go.  and although people might think two parents is "ideal" the truth is about 50% of children in the US will, at some point, grow up in a home with one parent or a blended family.  hence, i think the issue of whether or not to give up your baby should be made based on your child's needs, not the fact that you are not with the father.

what i'm hearing is not that you don't want your baby, yet that you feel unprepared to care for her, due to your unemployment and failed relationship. am i right?

let me ask you this:

-if you and this child's father were in a strong relationship and married would you make this choice?

-if you won the lottery would you make this choice?

if the answers are "no",  then i think you really need to explore your options.

have you considered a temporary guardianship?  i have a friend whose daughter at 17 became pregnant and the baby is now staying with an aunt until she graduates high school. many people have done this and allowed the baby to stay within the family.  without the permanence of adoption.

i really think you have a lot on your plate, but it's not your child's fault...nor is it insurmountable.

but...if you do make this decision, family is usually better than strangers (absent of abuse or neglect). and always tell her the truth.

re: open adoption--

open adoption is NOT joint parenting.  nor is it LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE. that means that at anytime you can be cut out of your child's life, at the whim of the adoptive parents. if you are concerned about maintaining contact, or if something happens being told, then you might really want to reconsider this.

ps. i also recommed some type of reliable contraception (nuva-ring, pill, IUD, shot, implant), if having more children is a hardship for you at this time.

good luck.

ETA: ok..i just read some of the other answers:

-your child will wonder why you gave her up and not the other child REGARDLESS of whether the placement was with a family or stanger.

-you will NOT get over the fact you gave up a child.  you might be able to plow through your life with some semblance of resolve, but get over...not so much.

-to assume that giving up your child is "selfless", indicates that the converse is "selfish."  that's total propaganda.

-adoption agencies want to make money off of your bad situation by placing your baby with a couple of strangers who wrote a check.. hence, they will discourage you from family adoption using the reasons that "your child will become confused." be aware of that.

Answer 5

Dear Anonymous

I read your out cry and i so much want to help.I dont know from which state you are from but i am from South Africa.I am desperately trying to adopt but can find nobody.please before you think of abortion rather let your baby get adopted by somebody that will give him/her love as you would.

Answer 6

Being honest: Honestly, I think you should stay with your parents and raise your children and save up some money, once you are able to work, so that you can eventually move out on your own. Your parents are agreeing to help you. You know they will help you both through the pregnancy, through the delivery, through the early stages of your child's development, through you getting a job and needing someone to watch your children. Honestly, I think you will regret your decision otherwise.

If you choose otherwise, I think a family member is the best option, as it is the best possible chance for you maintaining any sort of relationship with your child...outside of raising your child yourself. You are an adult and you must now make adult decisions. Completely altering your child's world b/c you want to live near your friends or b/c you want a job opportunity is a bit much.....unless your friends are willing to help you raise both of your children and your job opportunity comes with a high paying salary and insurance to cover the costs of raising your children. Otherwise, you are 'implying' that you are choosing friends and a job over your child. I know that isn't what you mean, but that is how it comes across. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the sake of our children....it sucks, but that's life.

Anyway, whatever choice you make, remember that NO STATE requires adoptive parents to commit to seeing you, calling or writing you, sending pictures to you, etc. Anyone you hand your child over to can literally walk away and never see you again, regardless of what was said to you prior to signing any paperwork. This also includes your family, though I hope they wouldn't do that.  

Answer 7

It totally depends.  If there is someone in your family that is open to adopting your baby and you trust them, that would be wonderful.  If not, there are many families willing to adopt.  I have two adopted sons and I met one of their natural moms online, and the other through a girl I know who introduced us.  We didn't stay strangers long!  When you meet and talk, you will know if you are comfortable with them or not.  The first n-mom told me that she just had "feelings", or that often she felt they didn't care at all about her and just wanted her baby and to leave ASAP.

You will have dozens of families to choose from if that is the route you take, so maybe just have an idea of what you are looking for ie. a certain religion or not religious, live in the city or country, first child or not, open, semi or closed adoption. You will be able to find the perfect family for not just your little one, but for you too!

If you have any questions on the process or how potential adoptive parents are screened, or anything else.  Don't hesitate to send me an email.

Warmest regards.

Answer 8

I guess it depends on if you want to be in this child's life?  If your Mom and her hubby are stable and happy, It would probably be a good situation. If the child stays in the family, you will still have the pleasure of seeing him or her grow up.   However, questions are going to come up as this child gets older.  If you think the honest answers are too painful, then go through a reputable adoption agency.  There are lots of families who will be good to your child, and in many situations, there may be help with medical and living expenses. Since there is only 12 weeks left to your pregnancy, you need to make a decision now!!  You made the right choice of giving your child a family, no matter which avenue you choose.  

Answer 9

Wow Well your mother should be  your 1ST stop. It would be great if the kid can go to your mother. Dont lie to the kid though. Let the child know that grandma is GRANDMA.

If you mother cant take him; then i dont know what to tell ya.

I could Never give my kid up for adoption though... BTW Drop the drunk.. He's just another distraction. He wont get his Sh*t straight... Trust Me!

Edit: People pay 20,000 for a new born baby... So dont trust the adoption agencies because they are Just Pimps

Edit: Your child would rather have a poor mom than no mom at all.

Answer 10

I just had a baby a month ago and I feel so much better now that my baby is with me and i am not pregnant anymore. i remember being depressed too. The future seemed so hard then and it is not perfect now but life isn't supose to be perfect.Being a parent is about doing what is best for the child and putting yourself second and boyfriends third. Before you make a decision shouldn't you talk to baby's dad and get his imput? (Even if he has addiction issues you saw something in this guyand now you are having his baby,not just yours) Adoption is very permanent but the child would go to a stable middle class older couple that cant have kids. Thats not a bad thing as long as you are good with the decision and dont regret it.

Answer 11

i think stranger. because like you said you're kid may grow up wonderin why u kept one child and not the other. if (s)he grows up with a family member but not you, thats what (s)he'll think. and its goin to hurt, no matter how you explain it to them. and do you really want to see someone else raise your child and hear them call someone else mommy?

i think a stranger would be better because that way it'll be their choice of they want to know more about you and your decision instead of it always bein in their face.

but please dont do foster care.

Answer 12

First of all, I think you are so awesome.  You are facing such a challenging situation, most people would be so selfish and just think about themselves, but you are trying to plan a good life for you, your daughter, and this new baby.  

What is cool is that if you have an open adoption, you can choose how "open" you want it to be.  You can have direct contact with the child & family, or you can communicate through an agency only a set number of times a year, or you can do something in between.  And you can decide along the way if you would like to change the plan.  I'm sure the adoptive family would understand if it got too hard to hear about the child along the way.  So I would start with open and see how it goes.  I really think an adoptive family would understand if you started out open and then found out that it was too difficult.

Have you explored the legalities regarding placing your child for adoption?  The biological father will have to agree as well.  Just thought you might need to figure that part out too.

I have known women who place their child with family (and had the child call the grandma "mom") and it can be a good situation, but you have to think about how strange it will be to see your own child call your mom, "Mom".  You will have a definite closeness, but is that what you want?

Answer 13

I have sad news for you.  We cannot make your decision for you.  You are the one who will live with the consequences.

Your life has been all messed up it.  You don't know how to recognize a liar and a drunk apparently.  

Considering your mom wanted to have you be a surrogate for her just before you got pregnant the 2nd time, I can understand why you might consider her.  I have mixed feelings about that option.  A lot depends on what kind of relationship you have with your mother.  But you'd have to discuss with her first, because she might not wish to adopt a child fathered by the 22 year old jerk who lied to you.  

In reality, your best bet is to go to a family psychologist for some counseling.  Then you'd have an impartial 3rd party who's a professional and capable of helping you sort out all your emotionally charged loose ends.

cw

Answer 14

my mom was in the same situation, she kept me and my sister as a single parent until i was 10. when i was 10 she got married to my stepdad. It was really hard but i respect her for doing that. she was only 19 when she had my sister, and my sisters older. i dont know how i would  feel if she had put me up for adoption, while she kept my sister. so i respect her so much for keeping us both and thoguh she struggled she still kept us and were growing up fine. im 15 now, and i still live iwth my mom and she has another kid whos 6. so i think you should keep the baby with you.

and by the way, my dad was worse, he was a drug addict and he left us for his drugs, at least ur babys daddy at least wants the baby.  

Answer 15

WOW - Holy Sh*t.  I can't imagine your situation - whatever you decide - good luck!  I would say family, if your family is close and you can trust the one you choose...if you can't try to find an agency and hopefully those people can help you into finding an open adoption if this is what you are looking for!

Answer 16

well personally I don't think that you should put your child up for adoption because have watched those movies that have adoption scenes? the kids always look really lonely and upset  =[  I know that you don't want to put your child up for adoption but I think what you should do is see if you can stay with your family for longer until you are able to find a job.  I'm sure they will understand because after all they are your parents. (you could apologise to them for having another child and such and say that everyone makes mistakes and your just going to have to learn from it) Also if you do put your child up for adoption then there parents (carers) will one day have to reveal to them that the child was adopted and I'm sure that would shatter them because they would want to know who their real mother is.  Maybe what you could do is ask a family member or really close friend if they could look after your baby (or daughter) for a while until you can find a job.  But if you do put your child up for adoption then they'll have to go through life wondering what their real parents looked like and why their mum put them up for adoption.   I think that its really great that your thinking about your whole family and what's best for them but if you absolutely have to put your child up for adoption then you should give it to a family member or a friend because not only will you be able to keep in touch and go and see them but they'll also be able to know the real story of why you had to put them up for adoption.  Maybe what you could do is ask your first  babies dad if he could look after your daughter for a while  =] (until you sort things out) because then you can look after your little baby not have to put him/her up for adoption and you'll be doing what's best for both of your children because they'll grow up knowing each other.  

I wish you all the best good luck  <3

have an interesting star because I think you deserve it

p.s I'm sure that once you have the baby in your hands you'll immediately grow attached to it and it will be really really hard for you to say good bye to it  =[ and for a long long time you'll be wishing you didn't put it up for adoption

Don't forget a baby is god's opinion that the world should go on.

Answer 17

Well it honestly seems that you want the best for both of your children. I think that if you have a family member that would take your child that would be best and less emotionally difficult for you. No one can really make that decision for you. you need to do what is comfortable for you. Have a talk with your mother. I'm sure she would be proud of you for trying to give your baby the best life possible. I will pray for you to make the best decision for your situation. Good luck. You are being very unselfish for considering adoption. It takes more love to give a baby up then it does to keep it. I admire you.

Answer 18

Family.  

Answer 19

I think your Mother is the best possible choice for your second baby. I think it should be an open adoption.  the child should know that grandma is grand ma and that she lives with her because  you can only care for 1 child alone.  It has to be until she is thru college.  Not a temporary arrangement.  If 5 years from now you marry a well to do man, this child still belongs to your Mother.

Answer 20

it really depends, if you chose family then you would mos tlikely be a huge part in the childs life and see it often, with strangers you can chose open adoption whewre they visit and keep u up to dat eon the child,.....but do you want to be in the babys life or is it better fo ryou to be away from it????  

Answer 21

Family because if you will give it to a stranger without a knowledge to take care babies...definitely the baby would die or the stranger would just sell it to another person.

Answer 22

I really feel for you sweetie, and I know certain decision can be really rough. But don't give your baby up for adoption on the strength that you never fully know a person. I know too many people that say they were molested or abused by their adoptive parents, even if they do seem like decent people that are well off. I actually know someone who was adopted and she later found out the the couples full purpose of adopting her was so the husband can have s*x with her, because he had some type of child molesting problem, and the wife knew. Then they adopted more than one child to do that to.

    Your best bet would be to go with a family member, IF you decide to go that route. My mom was in a situation similar to that, and I knew she was my mom, I just never stayed with her. I stayed with my grandmother, and everything is just fine in our family. The lord will not put no more on you than you can bare. Even though your 2nd child's father is in jail, he shouldn't be in there long. I know people with major cases and only did a few months, and to be honest while he is in jail, he will come to a certain realization, trust me I know. Then I bet any kind of money he will get on his act right. I really would prefer you keep your child, I know it will be hard, but life is hard period. You just have to stay close to god, pray your way throught things, and stay on your grind. I hope my advice has steered you away from giving your child up for adoption. You also have to think about how that second child will feel being put up for adoption when you kept the first, you are taking a risk on if that child finds out who you are than they may hate you the rest of their life. But you are in my prayers, and I really hope your situation gets better. If you ever need anyone to speak with regarding this situation just shoot me an e- mail at : [e-mail]

Kind Wishes, Good Luck, and Keep your head up sweetie, life will get better for you. I know it.

Answer 23

Why are some of you trying to scare her? I have been wanting to adopt for a while now. I know I would be a good mom. Giving the baby to a stranger is nothing bad. I think that family is a bad idea. Like you said you will see your child at family gatherings and miss that little life. That would be hard knowing that you are going to christmas and you are going to have see your other child. I say do what YOU think is right. Follow your heart.  Only you know what is best for you and your family. Think about keeping that little life with you.  best wishes to you in the future. God bless.  

Answer 24

wow - tough call.  Personally i think open adoption is better whether your family adopts or a family you don't know.  

Yes there will be some hard issues for you and the new baby to face as he/she grows up in an open adoption, but if the baby grows up knowing that his 'tummy mummy' loves him just as much as his mummy then it's not so difficult to get past them.  But a closed adoption (in my opinion) would cause more heartache for the child than an open adoption (ie why do you not want to have anything to do with me - are you ashamed of me - what's wrong with me?etc etc)

My younger brother was adopted in an open adoption . We all know his 'tummy mummy' and see her pretty regularly it works well and as my brother has always known about the adoption and his birth mum it has just been a normal part of his life.

Family adoption is a good idea if someone in your family wants to do that - but not so good if they feel like they have to do it out of duty.  Where as a couple that desperately want children would only be doing out of love and not duty.

Keeping the baby will not be an easy option either (2 kids is way harder than one so i've discovered, and i'm not a single mum!)

It's a really tough decision to make and you are doing the right thing by exploring all your options.  Whatever you do, just do it with your child's best interests at heart.

I suggest you carry on down the adoption track at this stage (because you can always change your mind later)

Good Luck!

Answer 25

Family

P.S.  You won't emotionally get over it.

ETA:  ok, ok  I really tried not to say anything, its just not working for me.  Please do not think of talking to adoption agencies as making an informed decision.  They WANT you to give away your baby.  There is $$$ involved for them if you hand them your baby.  I do wish you and your baby the best.  My opinion is that YOU are what is best for your daughter.  I will provide you with links to make a truly informed decision, take my advice or leave it.

http://hslowe.tripod.com/BOOKLET.pdf

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

http://www.singlepregnancy.com/financial...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scy6uf2MZ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVKiiiSo8...

Answer 26

I am so proud of you for recognizing that you are not in a position to expand your family at this time. That is a remarkably mature and loving approach to this pregnancy.

I was adopted and realize that the most important gift you give your birth child is a family. In order to feel secure in that family and truly belong, it's important that the child have the stability and safety that closed adoption provides. I can't think of anything more horrible than the prospect of an open adoption and would never do it to any child. And I particularly would not want that child in the middle of a family with genetic ties. That's just not fair.

Now, open adoption has become extremely popular in this country because agencies use it as a way to 'sell' adoption to girls who are having trouble deciding about an adoption plan. You will hear that children want this but that is just not what adult adoptees who don't search (the vast majority of adoptees) will tell you. If you need to do it because you're just not able to do it any other way, then you should do what you need to do.

I was adopted. I don't have any information about my birthmother, Here is what I think of  her: She was a remarkable woman who found the immense personal strength to say good bye to a child she carried so that I could have a complete and healthy family.

You're going to read some absurd hateful rants from 3 or 4 very troubled adoptees here. I'll explain why. Most people who are adopted don't give it a second thought. It's part of who we are and it works out beautifully. We would never think of reading an adoption board or joining a forum because, well there's not problem.

I chose to adopt a child and first came to this board to see if people had questions about the process. I find that people often speculate about how adoption works but don't actually know how to go about it. What I found was a group of fewer than ten people trying to create a completely false impression of adoption and to actually deter people from adopting children.

I never expected to see such hateful and morally corrupt behavior from adults and I hope that it does not influence you.  

Answer 27

I know exactly how you feel. I have a 9 month old son and his father ditched me before he was born. my boyfriend after him promised to be there for me and my son but instead got some other woman pregnant. I was so depressed I had post par tum depression and had thoughts of harming my son. I told my thoughts to a counselor and they called acs and my son was taken to live with my cousin. My son should be coming home soon , because this long drawn out case is coming to a close I get 2 overnight visits a week. However I'm $1000 in debt and I haven't got any money saved for my son. So  in a way I'm glad my son is with family who cares and can help my son. I think you should find someone in your circle of family or friends who can help you, because you don't want your child to be adopted by strangers and not know how much you love her. Good luck to you.

Answer 28

How about have the baby - see how you go - and take things from there.

You're hormonal - you're stressed - now is not a good time to be making ANY decisions.

Be very very aware of your rights.

Open adoptions are NOT enforceable - meaning the adoptive parents could close up contact any time they please.

Make sure you read this -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

I wish you and your babies all the best.