I'm turning into a neurotic paranoid female - help!?

Question

Ok, I'm getting married to a wonderful guy in two months time and can't wait. I love him to bits and i have no doubt that he loves me too, so everything should be cool. Except..... He lived in London for 7 years before he moved to where we are now, and he has a lot of female friends who are very pretty and have obviously known him for longer than i have. I'm usually a really laid back confident person, so why do i feel all 'wobbly' when i see that he's left comments on their Bebo or Facebook sites about times when he lived with them in London etc? I know this is my problem but i really don't know how i can stop feeling like this. What happened before him and i met is none of my concern i know, and he's reassured me that nothing ever did happen and that's cool with me. I think this problem started a couple of months ago when he told me that one of his female friends was a bit annoyed that he was getting married and was questioning him as to whether he'd thought it through or not etc - i was a bit angry at that. He's 39 and i'm 36 so it's not as if we're teenagers. Also, a female friend of his up here has been very frosty towards me ever since him and i got together. I don't want any of this. I love him and just want to marry him, but i don't want to be feeling upset everytime a pretty female friend of his speaks to him or texts him. Is there anything i can do? I know he loves me, but i still just can't help feeling like this. Sorry, thanks x

Answer 1

Just because you are concerned and a bit jealous definitely does not mean that you are neurotic. My husband and I have been married for over ten years, and both of us still get jealous and protective. The difference between healthy jealousy and the unhealthy kid is all in how you deal with - or how you let it deal with you.

It sounds like you are on the right track as far as your thinking goes - you are confident about your feelings for each other, and you realize that what is past is past. That's a nice distance down the right track for you to be.

You do need to remember that regardless of gender, many times the old friends may resent the new (potential) spouse as both a newcomer and as a serious distraction. Once a serious love interest comes into a friend's life, old friends find themselves rapidly taking the backseat to the new love. Many times that causes the friends to become frosty or downright unpleasant to the new disruption... ahem, I mean the new girlfriend or boyfriend. :)

With you both nearer to forty than twenty, there are a lot of old friends and there is a lot of history that both of you are going to have to overlook, and I applaud your trying to deal with that in a mature fashion. After all, those other ladies that your man has been friends with had their chance years ago to get to where you are right now, and they failed. While I realize that it makes it more difficult for you to have to deal with your man having more female than male friends, it really is a mixed blessing as there is a good chance that the qualities and personality traits that make him prefer the company of females attracted you to him in the first place.

Hang in there and hang on to that attitude you have about past being past. : )  I am willing to bet that long as you can manage to hang on to your healthy attitude, then twinges and wobbles that you feel will fade away - I can promise that odds are his friendships will diminish some over time, too, as it seems that they always do once you get married and settle down.

Just don't try to fight him on this - he can't help that his friends have always been mostly female. It's part of his personality. If you can just live with it without it damaging you and your relationship, I'd advise that. If not, then I would go about talking it over like this:

If there are specific kinds of comments that he makes that make you more uncomfortable then other kinds, then consider whether or not he is the kind of guy that you can talk to about it. Be casual and friendly, starting with something like, "You know, honey, I have been really surprised with how protective I've been regarding you that I have turned out to be! You know, I've never been a jealous kind of person, but when you leave comments for other women that talk about x*x (whatever specific it is), I actually get twinges! Can you believe it?" Then smile.

If the subtle approach wouldn't work, then sweetly explain then ask him to refrain from mentioning certain events, telling him that you understand that the past is over, but it still makes you feel that perhaps he wishes it wasn't, and how would he feel, etc.

Good luck, and congratulations on your engagement!! :)  

Answer 2

Well, you have the right to be suspicious.  He sounds like a lady's man.  Just be sure in your heart of hearts, mind, soul, and spirit that this man REALLY AND TRULY loves you.  I thought my ex-husband loved me, and he ended up trying to kill me.  My son told me that if I would have stayed with that man much longer, I would have been dead.  He was right, too!  I'm not saying that's going to happen to you, but if it doesn't feel right, and if you aren't number one in his life (absolutely number one!), then don't marry him.  If he can't stay away from other women, then drop him like a hot potato.  If he has to have comments on Facebook or Bebo about times when he lived with those women in London, then how do you know he won't cheat on you many times in the future?  I've been there, done that, so heed my warning, be safe and happy.  Don't drive yourself crazy over someone who MAY NOT love you.

Answer 3

you are haveing the wedding, not them, i would say you come frist. so forget about them, judy

Answer 4

we all get paranoid and jealous, whether we admit it or not, so it's normal.  To marry someone is a big commitment that he wouldn't make unless he was sure that he likes you more than all these friends, and would always choose you over them.  If he loves you then even if these girls threw themselves at him nothing would happen, so theres no point worrying about what could (but probably wont) happen. You're not paranoid, just need a little reassurance  

Answer 5

Women usually have better insight into women's motivations then men do.  They are just looking out for their friend.  Would you feel the same if they weren't good looking?  You need to get over it, and after a while, once you are married, they will realize you aren't some fly-by-night in his life.

Answer 6

Try going to karate classes, work out, get confident...hypnotherapy? Come on, it is YOU he's marrying, that in itself should be enough to tell you something!

Answer 7

dont worry, this type of behaviour shows you are now ready to become a woman, as you are showing all the common traits

Answer 8

oh, I think you are not paranoid. we all feel that way sometimes and in your case you have a reason. i think that you should try and talk to him about it. there will always be other fish in the sea, HE needs to set the boundaries with these women - like stop leaving comments on facebook or whatever. men and women cant be friends. period. any married person will tell you that. so hopefully with time he will tell them to leave him alone and they will.  

Answer 9

calm down miss! soon to be mrs :D be happy and enjoy life with your guy. He wants you and you only. He wouldn't be getting married to you if he didn't love you enough. Forget them girls. They're just jealous of you and want to see you go down, down, down girl! ( i mean not done on him of course; they wouldn't be able to stand it). They're totally jealous he chose you and not them. Ignore them. They are just out to ruin things between you 2 by making you d**n jealous and you're giving in to it all. Don't! coz if you do, you're giving them what they want. Just pretend you couldn't care less coz he  is your man and so be it. Have fun on your weddign day. Congratulations and keep your head high. He loves ya! Be happy and I hope you have a great future together. Don't let them silly girls ruin your big day.

Answer 10

Feeling jealous..... hmmmmm

that part of love.

But be bold enough, so that he comes to know repeatedly that you dislike it.

Give some time afte marriage he will forget others.

Best of luck

Answer 11

well i must say if he has left comments on there face book about the times they shared he must still have feelings there and obviously closure is not there, i dont know why signle females should be texting him and sound slike to me you may have the impression you just want to marry him quick so that then you feel he is all yours, if a man ants to play around swety he will regardless of his age or so called commitment to marriage, this guy sounds a little to playfull

Answer 12

Awww this make me wanna hurl...... This is normal, your and even your honey are gettin kinda scared.

It's great that you guys talk about it,  but please PLEASE woman don't overanalyz  or beat a dead horse. Get things off your chest and let him get things off of his. Keep it real and be cool, K?