I'm uncomfortable in my own home due to guests giving short notice. How can I live in peace?

Question

Every time I know that my mother in law has off, she calls my husband Saturday morning at 7 am, first thing to see what he's doing. He's usually working. She swindles him into going home early (he works for himself) and letting her visit us. She gives him little to no notice, and he gives me even less notice.

I get extremely anxiety stricken and I feel I must keep the house in immaculate shape just in case I get a phone call that she's coming over in a few hours. It's ruining my life. I've become almost OCD about keeping the house clean. My husband doesn't understand and he says "The house is always clean." Yes, thanks to my OCD caused by his family and him. He thinks it's ok to surprise me with their visits and I am very angry and cold with them when they come over.

They also like to surprise all of us by bringing their bathing suits and towels to use our pool without anyone's permission. I desperately want to take down the pool because we're running into problems with not being able to use it due to algae and cold weather. I am tempted to dump in too much shock in case they show up this weekend to swim.

How do I relieve my anxiety? I am constantly cleaning because my husband is terrible at communicating with me when they are coming over. I figure if I over compensate, I can live with less worry about when they will show up. I talked with my husband about giving me notice, and he hasn't done much better than one hour's notice so far. I have a 9 month old baby who I don't spend much time with due to this fear and anxiety. Sometimes when he calls to announce they'll be over, I have to rush to give my baby and myself a shower.

How can I live in peace already?

Answer 1

**They don't come over all the time, just 3 or 4 times a month. It's still very annoying to me because I do not know when to expect them next. It would be different if it was an "unspoken" Saturday rule where they come over every weekend at a certain time.

SORRY.. THIS IS ALL THE TIME IN MY MIND.  SPEAK UP... AND GUESS WHAT THEY JUST MIGHT UNDERSTAND!  TRY IT!  

Answer 2

No one is doing this to you, you are doing it to yourself. Why does the house have to be perfect? When people show up at my house with little notice, what they see is what they get. I usually keep a tidy home on a daily basis but I do it for myself and not my in-laws or drop in friends. This is life. This is not a dress rehearsal. You are not going to get another chance to live this again so you need to relax and enjoy it. I am sure that your home would be just fine if it were cleaned once a week and then on a daily basis things just picked up and put away. I always make sure two rooms are clean on a daily basis and that is the bathroom and the kitchen.  The next time you hear they are coming, instead of running around like a chicken with it's head cut off cleaning and making everything perfect, open a nice bottle of wine or whatever you like to drink with alcohol and sit down and have a glass and just relax. Go out by the pool and have your drink and read a nice book. Just let them come. To bad if everything isn't perfect. The most important thing is that you learn to relax and enjoy life. Just stop reacting to the fact that they are coming. Stop the panic. Say to yourself who cares and drink a glass of wine and relax. Sign up for a yoga class and practice it every day. You made yourself a nervous wreck and so you need to be the one to take it away. Don't ever let anyone make you panic. Maybe if everything wasn't so perfect, they wouldn't come so often.

Answer 3

I would recommend several courses of action.

1) find yourself a therapist and address this issue with a professional. I think there may be larger underlying issues than meets the eye

2) Have a sit down with your husband.  Let him read this question. Talk through this until you have some sort of resolve.  Ask him to be your ally in addressing this issue with his mother.

3)  Have a sit down with your mother-in-law.  Change things.  Once and for all

4) Get rid of the pool, or cover it.

Good luck

Answer 4

well since obviously you don't like being a doormat, you NEED to speak up and stand up for yourself or this will lead to divorce.

Answer 5

your husband is a wimp and needs to grow up and get some guts to tell his parents give at least a days notice. the next time it happens take your child and head for the mall to spend the day. if he has to entertain them all day i bet he comes alive.

Answer 6

Don't let your husband's family rule your life.

Don't make any extra effort to clean the house before they come. Let them take you and your house as you are. They probably won't even notice any difference anyway!

You are worrying far too much about this.

Answer 7

Maybe you should tell them this! Sit them down and tell them that it's your house too and you feel very, very uncomfortable with their manners, just say that you weren't raised like that.

Or, just try very hard to get to know them and like them enough to feel comfortable around them, if you can't then you have to ask yourself: "Is this anxiety, or do i dislike his family?"

Be yourself, go to a hotel or something if you need to. If they can have bad manners by just, "showing up" short notice, then you can have bad manners by leaving as soon as they arrive.

And, you wouldn't be cleaning so much if you felt they were your family too. Most people feel comfortable around family.

Email me if you need more ideas.

Answer 8

Sounds as though 'they' are unaware that you are displeased.  Maybe you should make them aware, then if they don't react as you would like, be specific.

A subtle approach might go something like...When they arrive unexpectedly inform them that you have an INVITATION to (breakfast, lunch...whatever) with a friend, "Sorry,  but I can't cancel,  make yourselves comfortable.  I guess I should have called YOU to let you know."...grab the kid and scram.

This may alienate hubby but that beats OCD or outright insanity, n' est ce pas?

Answer 9

tell them you have to have notice your rules your house

Answer 10

Tell them to please give you at least a few days to a weeks notice - if you're not into having company they can book a nearby hotel.

Answer 11

Tell him to talk to you before he invites guests. Same issue happens in my house.

Answer 12

Just let it go.  Clean to your own standards, and don't worry about your mother in law's opinions.  Life is too short to worry about what others think.  As long as you are happy, your kids and husband are happy, then who cares.  If they don't like it, they can either pitch in and clean, or they can go home.