I'm very annoyed about this?

Question

What do you think....I DONT believe in hitting children as a form of control...my 4 year old is usually very good and I have never hit her. Today driving home from visiting, she was in the back seat with my Mother in Law and my 4 year old was in a very bad mood...she is getting over a stomach upset and is cranky...my MIL is very touchy feely and keeps patting her and stroking her ALL the time despite my daughter being clear that she doesnt like it...to the point where she says "Get off!"....I also pointed out that my daughter is not very physical...just likes a hug before bed or if she is tired...anyway...my MIL keps absent mindedly stroking her hair and things...so in the back of the car my daughter eventually said.."Get off or I'll might pinch you!"...well I turned around to tell her off and say "We dont pinch anyone...now you say sorry" but before I could my MIL said "You do that and I'll pinch you back"...I was VERY annoyed...this goes against all my teachings..so I said "NO...we dont do that Mary...violence is not something we react to with more violence" and she was all huffy....I dont care! How dare she threaten a JUST 4 year old with this? At 4 they have short tempers..its not as if she DID pinch anyone...she was just testing the boundries and has NEVER hurt anyone in her life. She had been playing with my Mums neighbours kids and they're a bit rough...probably got it off them...anyway...MIL is annoyed with me now....what do you think?

Answer 1

It sounds like everyone was in a bad mood. Don't say anything until you are cooled off and not upset. Your MIL grew up in a time when spanking was the discipline technique and you got your hand slapped by the teacher at school if you were bad. When you are both calm, explain to her that violence is not how you want your daughter to be disciplined. Don't accuse her of anything and stick to how you feel. Tell her the okay ways to discipline your daughter and wrap up by letting her know how much you and your daughter love her and are glad that she is in your lives.

Answer 2

Well you both did wrong to be honest.

Your mil should have let you deal with your daughter's behaviour. When I am present, if my daughter is naughty I prefer to disipline her myself. I do allow people to tell her no and/or explain to her what she is doing wrong if I am out of the room.

But your mil never said anything really bad. She never actually pinched her and I do not believe that she would. She was just saying that she would not tolerate your daughter pinching her, and trying to throw her by saying that she would pinch her back.

This is not wrong, but goes against your parenting style.

You did wrong because you reprimanded you mil in front of your daughter.

If I do not agree with what my partner says or does to my daughter then I will talk to him later when she is out of ear shot

Answer 3

Good for you   I am a grandmother but my daughter is my grandsons mother and I respect that

Answer 4

I think you handled that situation very well. You let the MIL know where you stand. She needs to understand that you are in charge of the child and you'll handle the problems with explanations not violence.

Answer 5

I agree with you that it's not appropriate for an adult to threaten to pinch a child, but I would add, I am assuming this escalated because your child was in a car seat and unable to escape.  I realize Grandmother loves and wants to cuddle but the child is not a dolly or a puppy.  Grandmother should keep her hands to herself, and apparently can't, so do not let Grandmother ride in the back seat of the car.  Ride back there yourself where you can block Grandmother's groping.  If she tries to insist tell her flat out that you won't force your daughter into a position where she has to tolerate unwanted fondling because your daughter is at the age to learn saying no to 'bad touches' which often start with unwanted strokes and pats.

Answer 6

I think this is about more than just disciplining a child.  I think this is the typical mother in law wanting to be in control.  I do know that if you don't speak up, this will escalate.  You were right to speak up if she was doing something that you felt was inappropriate for your child  In addition, she needs to know her boundaries.  Many mothers in law wants to take as much control as they can get.  Trust me..I've been there.

Answer 7

You did the right thing.

You should go back to your MIL and tell her that she should respect your daughter's boundaries. That seems to be the primary source of annoyance for you -- if it wasn't for your MIL petting your daughter like a dog, none of this pinching mess would have occurred.

I wouldn't entirely discredit your MIL's form of discipline, unless she really intended on pinching her back. I think it's good to kind of toss the threat back at them and ask, "How does it feel when you get pinched? Do you like it when people pinch you? Would that feel nice or hurt your feelings?"  Of course you wouldn't ACTUALLY pinch the child, but it's a good way to get them to reflect on how their actions make other people feel. Okay, that's just an aside.

But forget your MIL. Let her be annoyed. You are the parent. You're the one deciding how to discipline your child. I'm impressed you said something against her technique. Most of us would have been too cowardly.  

Answer 8

nothing wrong with a good old spanking

Answer 9

Thats such an odd reply from such a grown-up (read OLD) person. Almost or u can say exactly childish. If ur MIL brings up the topic, ask her whats the difference of maturity b/w her and ur daughter. Thats not the way to correct a child's behavior, specially when she knows that ur daughter is not like this often. Ur MIL should've responded in a positive manner.

as for you... just chill! :)

Answer 10

You know, everyone has their own way of bringing up their children.  I have three of my own who have all grown up level headed and great children.

I do not agree with set rules for children.  Each child is an individual and has to be treated as such.  What works for some may not work for others and what is punishment for some, may not be for others.

I don't think your mother in law was wrong for telling your daughter she would pinch her back.  I think it was more of a shock treatment so that your daughter would not do it to her in the first place.  If your MIL had pinched your daughter, that would be wrong, but if we are honest, it was not your MIL that bought up the pinching in the first place - it was your daughter.

I also sympathise with your daughter if your MIL is touchy feely.  If a child is not this way inclined, naturally it is wise NOT to hug/cuddle or fuss when the child is not wanting this treatment.  However, as the childs Grandma, it is perfectly natural that she would want to hold her grandchild, especially if the little girl has been ill of late.  It is a normal reaction.  Thing is, you condemn your MIL for showing affection, but say that your daughter not being affectionate is her way.  In truth, we are ALL different, whatever age.  None is right and none is wrong, it is individual choice at the age of 4 or 40.  Trying to determine what is right or wrong in this situation is never ending as there is no answer - it is a case that Grandma loves her Grandchild and fussed her for being agitated... and... Grandchild got agitate as she does not liked being fussed and threatened Grandma as she did not understand any other way of getting her off!  The result?  You are angry at MIL for what you see as forcing your child to react in this way!  

I think you should see it as a clash of personalities - not take it out on MIL - and have a chat with her about what is appropriate with your daughter when she is a little cranky after getting over an illness.

There are going to be so many times in your daughters life when things don't go exactly as you would like.  I think it is give and take and understanding that we are all so very different, but that doesn't make any of us wrong.

:)

Answer 11

Well this may not be the same situation but..

My sister had a very annoying child that liked to pull peoples hair, and like you she never stopped him from doing it, only told him it was wrong.

Well he pulled my hair and I immediately pulled his, just as hard.

He said ow and told my sister about it.

She confronted me and I told her "Well he pulled mine!".

The next time they visited my sister told me he's never pulled any ones hair again.

Sometimes they ONLY learn through physical force, they're children and don't always understand the obvious.

This also reminds me of my niece from my brother.

My mother was babysitting my niece, she was chewing on a phone cord, it has about 9volts AC.

My mother was going to stop her from chewing on it, I told her " no let her, it's better she learns not to chew on that then an extension cored that has 110- 220 volts."

I have seen my niece chewing on other cords like that.

Anyway she got to the center of the phone cord and never chewed on another cord after that.

It didn't hurt her and taught her a very good lesson that she couldn't have learned any other way.

I don’t believe in hitting children for anything, but I do believe if they don’t learn by telling them, then make them learn by example, it always works.

Answer 12

I would take your MIL aside and firmly tell her that your daughter does not enjoy being petted and stroked, she is not a dog....I would also tell her that you have a set of standards and rules that you teach your daughter, tell her that you do not believe in returning a 4-yr olds tantrum or playing hit-for-hit. tell her that she needs to abide by your rules.

in the heat of the moment i feel you handled the situation very well, I would just follow up by having a one-on-one with your MIL.

Answer 13

you turned around to tell your just 4 year old off??

Answer 14

i think what you said was correct. i hate it when people try and undermind you as a parent. she has had her turn at raising a family. unless you are harming your child which you are obviously not doing, then no one has the right to question your parenting. what does your partner say about it all? is it worth him having a word with her? you stick to your guns though. and for the record, i think the morals you are installing in your daughter are fantastic. good on you.

Answer 15

I'm not a mom, but I have nieces and nephews. Many have told me one time or another that they would bite,hit,kick, et.al me at sometime or another, and I too have replied that I would do it back!

I have never done it back, and the child that said it never followed through with their threat. I don't think it's that big of a deal, seems it was more a give and take sort of thing since neither one was actually pinched.

My opinon is that I wouldn't have said anything to MIL in front of your daughter I would have pulled her aside if it had upset you.

For the sake of all involved I hope this just blows over and no one ends up with hard feelings.

Answer 16

Good for you!  It's hard to stand up to your in-laws sometimes, but it is important to be consistent in practicing what you preach. You should be proud of yourself that your daughter knows exactly where you stand on hurting others even if someone close to you doesn't agree.  I think you did the right thing and, chances are, your MIL probably knows that what she said wasn't appropriate and may be embarrassed that you called her out on it.  You have to stand up for what you believe in for your daughter....if you don't teach her, who will?  Good job, Momma!

Answer 17

Tough one.  I'm not saying your MIL was right, but based on what you've said, you responded to her just like you did to your four year old, which is to say you treated her like a four year old.  And I think it's probably safe to say that would irritate most adults.  And your daughter didn't pinch Grandma, and Grandma didn't pinch back, both just threatened, your daughter probably meant it to get Grandma to back off, and Grandma probably meant it so your daughter would understand what she was threatening to do.  My four year old daughter occasionally threatens her younger brother, and I have told her anything she does to him I will do to her.  That has always stopped her in her tracks, I think because at that age they can't always (or ever) put themselves in the other person's shoes.  It's very hard for a four year old to use the appropriate words to convey what they want to-they say "Get off!" instead of "Please stop touching me, I don't like that", and sometimes they use violence instead.  At this point I would probably take my daughter to apologize to Grandma for being rude and coach her ahead of time to tell Grandma she doesn't like being stroked or touched like that.

Answer 18

I think you have every right to be annoyed, especially since you're mother in law knew that you didn't encourage violence. You're the mother; she's the not. End of story. She will eventually get over it.