I'm worried I won't be a good mom...?

Question

I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant so there's kind of no turning back now (the child was unplanned, birth control didn't work as well as we hoped it would) and the only real option we have is adoption or keeping the child but we are so torn about just what to do.

I gave my first up for adoption and never heard the end of it from my family, but I know I'm not the "mommy" type, I honestly can't stand babies (the crying, the puking, the diapers....it's all they do when they are babies) but I like kids (once they grow out of the gross baby stage), Sadly there is no way to skip the first stage (if only it was that easy). I don't want to take care of a baby but I don't want to turn my back on them either. The father has left this choice up to me as he feels the same way.

Everyone keeps saying "Oh you'll change your mind once they are born" but I highly doubt it. I know I can be a good mom, but I really don't want to take care of a baby!

What should I do?

Answer 1

Honestly, If you don't want to do this, please don't. My mom grew up in a home where she was neglected, shuttled from aunts to uncles to grandparents because her folks were busy, or working (they were musicians) her mom drank a lot, and lost her temper when she was around. She was never really "mothered" her grandmother treated her like a doll, dressing her up and making her be perfect, and her aunts and uncles treated her like an adult. She ws a high school drop out and pregnant at 16, shes been married 4 times and has had less than perfect husbands, one of whom sexually molested my sister.... soooo unless you are ready to quit partying, join gymboree, be a soccer mom, baby proof the cabinets... please think on this one. No one is a perfect MOM. Me especially, but you need to be ready to be a mom, and maybe your time isn't now. cruise by the window at the hospital.. see if it stirs anything, if you have a friend with a little one go visit.... I know everyone says when you hold them its diffrent... I can't say for you it will be. I think its something you have to get into. take a baby for a test drive really, ask to baby sit for an hour or two. read up. it is a WONDERFUL adventure, but like anything tht takes up your time and your money, you have to be ready to go for it... I know you can do this if you want to, but you shouldn't let your fam decide. Its to big to worry about what people think. Best of luck to you, I admire you for considering adoption, a lot of women wouldn't admit  they aren't feeling maternal and would walk around being a disengaged mom,  so hats off to you for that, the number one thing kids really need though is your love if you can give them that, everything else will fall into place....

Answer 2

honestly, it seems as if you are really trying to be convinced to place your baby. or you are truly reticent, and want someone to convince you that you can do it.

either way...

if you want advice, attacking those who are trying to give you advice is probably not the best approach.

the concern with posting on-line, is that many have strong opinions and will only answer from their perspective.  we are not mental health professionals.  hence, if you really need help with this decision, that's probably the best place to go.

good luck.

Answer 3

Well, this is a question really only you can answer: Are you ready and willing to become a parent?

If you have already been through the adoption process before, then you know where to go for resources if you're considering doing that again.

My general advice is to do your homework and consider all of your options carefully.

Answer 4

you should defenetily not worry about the baby stage because they grow so fast why would you not want to take care of such an innocent thing? in the future when this kid will be helping you out you will be thankful for gods gift

Answer 5

just live with what you did....

Answer 6

The great thing about babies is that they become toddlers, who beomce preschoolers etc. etc. etc.

If it is just the baby thing, why not wait and see.  I would never try to coerce or tell you to keep your baby, but what I have heard from many people is who hated baby stage is that they loved theirs.  

Where is boyfriend and what are his thoughts?  Will he hlep you?

From what I hear on this forum most birth parents/bio parents, well parent anyway regret giving up their child, so don't do it hastily.  IF you decide to do it in the end, go through somewhere reputable, but I still think you should try parenting at the beginning, and don't make your mind up before baby is born and you have given it a chance.

Answer 7

I know a bunch of women who didn't relish the infant stage.  Its a wonderful opportunity though to get to know this little person who with each passing month develops their own personality.  We adopted our son at birth and were so blessed to see him grow into the little man he is today.  I found that he became a ton of fun at 4 months.  That said my next door neighbor who has two sons (teens) has never been a fan of newborns and I think she is a great mom.

I wont say that you are going to change your view on infants - but go easy on yourself and take time to decide.  If you decide on adoption - there are plenty of families out there waiting.

good luck : )

Answer 8

Any well thought out choice you make here will be just fine.  

I sincerely do believe that the very fact you are so concerned with the outcome does mean you could be a great mother if you so choose to be.

Answer 9

It's time for you to grow up. Be a woman. You need your baby daddy's help. if he's not going to help, it's your responsibility to make the decisions about your baby. God is giving you a second chance, Don't you see that? Get on your knees NOW and ask God to help you make this decision. You can't do this by yourself for a reason. God wants you to come to Him and overcome your fears and redeem you. If you don't want to take care of a baby, higher a mommy's helper or doula and she'll show you the ropes or whatever. You have to make the effort to do your best. we all make mistakes but we can also make up for it too. if you give this baby up for adoption, you'll really regret it, because these children are our joy. This is the fruit of your labor. Wake up and stop being selfish.

Answer 10

As some have said, this is the choice you need to make and for the reasons you decide. You do not have to make this decision right away or even as soon as the baby is born.

You can take time there are many loving families that would be happy to adopt a baby even if they are a bit older...  There is always a chance that the baby spit-up and diapers won't bug you as much as you fear...  

Before I became a mother I was the same way, and as a "joiner" was terrified that I would join everytime my baby spit up... I have a sensitive smell and was sure the diapers would kill me... but it was like MAGIC that I noticed these things didn't bother me... Newborn baby poo and spit up isn't all that terrible and the truth is after a few days it stops bothering you....then as the baby starts to eat more those diapers get really bad--but the surprise is that you sort of "Grow" into it....  by the time they stink really bad you hardly notice it...and eventually it isn't really that big a deal.

I had not changed a diaper in 15 years when I met our little boy we were adopting--He was 1 year old and I Cried the first time I changed his diaper... That was when I realized how much easier it had been to "grow into" the whole ordeal... It took me weeks to Want to change his diapers...

From the outside not too many people get to spend a lot of time with a newborn so...looking in from the outside a person doesn't notice the way things are unfolded for a new mother... One step at a time...

I also want to warn you that baby spit-up is nothing like Kid Barf all over the inside of the car---or in their bed... Kids puke too only they puke a bunch of stuff all over and sadly the truth is mom usualy gets to clean it up... It's hard to make a kid with a 101 temp clean up their own barf.... Kids get cuts that squirt blood all over and they pick their noses and eat it... or wipe it on the walls... boys pee all over the floor behind the toliet and girls tend to hide food in their night stand until it grows green hair and looks like a monster... so Kids are actually much more disgusting then babies....

but.... moms usually just grow into it... You would be amazed how little p**p, barf and boogers bother you when you start with a fresh baby and grow into it....

It really is a decision you need to make... I wouldn't say that you will change your mind--I will say that many mom's do grow into it and are better able to take care of kid barf just because they did grow into it....

The resentment and negative feelings could be an issue...but I don't hear you saying you worry you will hurt the baby or child... Not every mom is the "Mommy" type... My mom loved me but she was not the mommy type -- besides I have met a lot of moms and we are as different as any other group of people so--it's hard to say which type is the right type...

Good luck and follow your heart about this....

Answer 11

I don't know if you've thought about this, but what about just having a guardianship?  Someone close to you could take care of your baby, and you could be in his/her life until you feel able to parent.  Just a thought.

Answer 12

Confused by this question.  

In another question you stated 'We do want the baby otherwise I would have had an abortion'

I'm sure you'll make an OK Mom.  The baby phase passes all too quickly - try to think long-term

If you do abandon your baby, perhaps you could ask the adoptive parents of your first child if he/she could grow up with his/her sibling, this could mitigate some of the lossess the poor kid will have to deal with growing up adopted

Answer 13

"but I really don't want to take care of a baby!" That is your answer right there.... If you don't want to take care of a baby, then don't...put the baby up for adoption...if you are comfortable doing that, then do it...but really it is your choice and yours alone... just do what you feel is right...what you want to do...I don't think you less of a person because of your choice.....

Answer 14

i can not and will not tell you what you should do

but

i did not know the meaning of the word love until i held my son in my arms

then my world changed

this is a decision that does not need to be made ahead of time, meet your child, then search your heart

i admire your honesty

Answer 15

Just my opinion that since you are worried about it is that you will probably be a great parent.I felt the same way years ago.I did not like kids and really did not want to be tied down.My daughter will be 18 in a couple of days and I wouldnt change a thing that has happened in those 18 years.

Answer 16

You sound exactly like me a few years back. I grew up being despised by my mother, so I really don't want to get married and have children. The children part wasn't a big deal, I had already been told I could never have children. Then when I got pregnant, I was told to abort. That hurt for a while. I guess it was the shock of it all. Then I got pregnant again, but decided that I was going to have the baby. Long story short, I relinquished her, but I didn't want to. Then a few laters I got married and pregnant, literally the first night. I left him within a couple of months. He was and still is a nightmare.

I NEVER had a thing for babies, my daughter changed that.  I remember when I had my son, when I was in the hospital and they were changing his diaper, it looked like a dark chocolate candy bar had melted. I literally passed out. I knew I wasn't up for this.... because I had relinquished my daughter, I also felt like I wouldn't / couldn't connect. Plus, I didn't want to be a single mom raising a baby. I heard all the horror stories. I expected the absolute worst. Crying all night..... I can remember a couple of months after having my son, I went into my counselors office and I was just soooooo depressed. She asked what was wrong, and I said, "I must be doing something REALLY wrong." she asked why, and I replied that taking care of Sam was so easy, that I must not be doing something right. She laughed her head off. Being scared shows that you really care and that you realize the realities of babies. It's the ones who have wanted babies all their lives and think it's "love and bloom" that have the most difficulty. If you didn't feel this way right now, you wouldn't be normal. You're going to be great. I didn't have ANYONE to help me from my family, but I found that other people just showed up in my life when I needed them.

Best wishes. Get some sleep!

Answer 17

i would bust my hump getting help through the baby stages.  KEEP YOUR BABY.

i understand more than you think.  but if you don't want answers, then don't ask questions.

Answer 18

Just the fact that you're worried about not being a good mom means that you WILL be a good one!  You obviously care about your child and want the best for him, so you're ahead of the game here!

I know that the whole diapers/puking/pooping thing seems horrifying right now.  Babies can indeed give you a weak stomach.  But I can tell you that your OWN baby is different than someone else's baby in this respect.

You may not believe this now, but the baby stage goes by sooooooo quickly.  It's tiring while you're living it, but all of a sudden you will turn around and that little baby that kept you up in the middle of the night is in preschool, bringing home little art projects that he made for you, and telling everyone he has the BEST mommy.   It will be hard for awhile, but you can do it, and I doubt you'll be sorry.

Answer 19

I know people keeping saying you will change and you do not think you will. I am a pretty mild person, but since the birth of my son I seem to have more patience with everyone in my life.

I really did not think I would change, but from what I have experienced, you do. My husband and I were worried and each day that goes by and we have to leave him at daycare rips our hearts out. I want to be the person burping and changing his diaper. I never thought I would say that, but that is what being a mommy has done to me.

No matter what I would rather be with my child even if he is cranky or has a poopy diaper.

Answer 20

The choice is up to you.  I can say that when I used to see other kids babies throw up etc. it would gross me out.  It is a little different when its your own.  Some how it all seems to be ok.

You can always try it out for a while and if you don't feel like you can handle it, you can decide to put your child up for adoption. Although the first few days of bonding are really needed with the mother who will be raising the child for the rest of their lives.

Answer 21

I will admit that I am not the mommy type either. When my sister gave birth to her son, she nearly died. She was in the hospital for a month and a half. Both me and my mom had to step in to play mommy to this little boy. Since my mom worked I was at my sisters house half the day every day,  when she finally came home. At first I didn't want to help, but my sister couldn't even pick him up to change a diaper. Then one day I noticed that I was accually willing to go, because it was kinda neat. It came out of nowhere. I am not saying that this will happen to you, but would you give it a chance? If you find you cannot do it, think about adoption then.

Answer 22

Since you plan on going through with the birth, why not just try it out?  Play mommy for a few days, if you still feel like it's not for you, then walk into any hospital or to CPS and hand over your baby.  You've been through the adoption process before; you should know who to contact.  Who says you have to decide right now?  If you no deep down that no matter what you won't change your mind, then go ahead and start the adoption process.  It is your decision after all--you can change your mind at any time.

There is a way that you can actually skip the baby part.  With this pregnancy, ask the doctor to go ahead and tie your tubes.  Maybe this form of birth control will work for you!  Then if you decide later you want to have kids, adopt one that is out of diapers.  I'm going through the adoption classes right now to be eligible for adoption and there isn't anything that I've read that says if you've given a child up for adoption you can't adopt one later on.

I think you are an amazing person to be so honest with yourself and think what is best for your child rather than be selfish like some people are!  Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Answer 23

If you dont want to take care of a baby, then you should have, after your first, thought about different birth control options, this really is only your fault, and you should have to deal with the consequences, i really hope once the baby is born you learn to love him/her with all your heart and accept it with all its baby grossness. If your family is so much against giving it up, then get there help as much as possible, you have many resources, and instead of thinking of the negative, try to be positive about it, you are going to have a little baby, something that is part of you and your partner, some people dont ever get to experience that, just suck it up and it will all be worth it.

Answer 24

Hi Victoria.  Now I see why you are fretting so much.  Okay, you're awfully young to have been through so much.  I hope you had counselling after relinquishing your first baby, as it can be dreadfully painful, even if you didn't want to be a mother.

Now you've got another "little one" to think about, and as a mother I'd have to agree with those who say you'll probably feel different once you hold your baby in your arms, smell their skin, see the joy in your partner's eyes....  I planned my son, but not until my late 30s, and as a young woman I was just like you - I didn't like babies or the whole culture around motherhood. I didn't identify with mothers at all, and I didn't want to be like my own mother, who had 8 babies.

However I turned out to be as diligent and devoted a mother as any woman ever has been, and I think you could too.  I actually enjoyed changing my son's nappies!!  Because it gave me an opportunity to be close to him and interact with him.  If you let yourself feel that powerful, overwhelming love, you'll be a great mother.

Answer 25

Why not look at some people who might be interested in raising your little one and maybe you could strike a deal were its a win win situation.IE they might keep you informed and let you visit perhaps like an aunt would see a nice.Hope all goes well good luck.You sound like you are thinking of the little one so what ever your choice I'm sure it will be right for you.

Answer 26

The infant/baby stage is not the favorite of many (personally I love it) but it is so short in the grand scheme of things.  You get through it.  You just do.

There is a great method called "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp that really helped us with the infant stage.  There is a great DVD that was so helpful.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The baby phase passes.  I just don't think that one year of your life is worth giving up a child forever.

Answer 27

honestly, only you know what is best, but i will tell you my experience. my son was unplanned as well .we were using BC, but it failed and i realized i was 6 weeks pregnant. i freaked out and so did my partner. we had both pretty much decided to stay child-free. my family always joked about how i wouldn't be the one to carry on the "family name" and even though I've always loved kids, i never really was the "mommy type". the thing is, once i got pregnant i really couldn't get an abortion no matter how pro-choice i am. i just couldn't. so, we went through with it, fretting the whole time just like you and me obsessing that  i wouldn't be good enough for my son. luckily for me, our families were especially supportive; my mother was very excited since she thought she would never get a grandchild.

i worried right until my son made his first cry and then i realized that i loved that little guy more than anything in the world. he is one now, and he is perfect. I'm 23 and yes, i sometimes get down because i can't go out and party with my friends every night like i used to, but i wouldn't give him up for anything. i would chew off my left leg if i knew it would keep him safe. for me, my love for him was instant and it only gets stronger every day.

now, I'm not going to go on about how your hormones may be doing the talking and that you'll have the same experience as me, but it is very likely that you will experience the same thing. either way, i hope you find out what is best for you and i hope your child is greeted with love even if you decide being a mommy isn't for you. but from your well-placed concern for your unborn child, i can tell you already love him or her very much.

Answer 28

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children myself, so I definitely think adoption is wonderful, however, with that said, I am not saying that you should place your 2nd child for adoption.  I can tell you becoming a mom for the first time can be scary. What is the MOMMY type really?  The father seems to have left the choice up to you - however you say that he feels the same way- the question should be- would you be able to care for this baby -without hating him/her?  Do you have any support system that could help you through the baby years-  if you really think that you will not change your mind about loving your baby- then it would be best to place for adoption.  If you don't want to take care of a baby- it might be better.  I cannot tell you what to do though.

I am so sorry that you have no support- I understand that though- my hubby's family was no support to us when our kids were little either.  Write me if you want to talk, I use to counsel women in your shoes.

Answer 29

think before u do any thing .....

Answer 30

We can do anything we put our minds to.

You think deeply - therefore I believe that if you want to give parenting a go - you would do a fine job at it.

There are no manuals on parenting (there are some that try - but no one can really write the book on how it will go).

Mostly us mums are just flying by the seat of our pants - making it all up as we go along.

And the baby bit really is over in the blink of an eye. (it seems long when your sleep deprived - but it does pass past quickly)

You have a second chance here - I think you should grab hold of it with both hands.

My mother gave up 2 children to adoption - I'm the second.

For her - now some 44 years later - she's a bit of an emotional mess - to say the least. She was coerced into giving her babies away - because she was unwed - and her mother was a fearsome control freak - who ruled the family with an iron fist.

For me - finding out that my mother had given not just one child - but two - was a huge shock. I really felt that she just couldn't have loved me. (not great for an adoptee's psyche)

I've since found out the real reasons behind my relinquishment - and the fact that she married my father just 6 months after my birth - and had 3 more kids.

Being adopted can be a hard thing to deal with. All kids really want is to know their mother loved them with all of their heart.

Do not make the decision to relinquish lightly.

It will have life long effects on both you - and especially on the child.

As I said - you can parent - if you want to.

Search your heart - and find out if you really want to.

I know in mine - that this child really wants you to give it your very best shot.

Answer 31

as your friend, and i do mean your friend, i offer my thoughts, not my guidience toward what you should do.  

I think i understand your thinking in a way the others do not do. if you want to email me, i will explain myself, but i don't make some thoughts public, nor should you do so either.

it is my opinion, that if you have peace in your heart to give your child up for adoption, you should do so with the same care and concern for which you care for your daily needs, that is find some family that will love the child, not necessarially wants a child, but will love the child and raise the kid to the best they can.

it is easy for me or anyone else to sit in our home and judge you, but it takes a very strong person of conviction and courage to do what is right and i'm suggesting you do what is right in your sight to meet the best future for the child.

that you are carrying the baby to term speaks volumes of your character, your integrity and such.  do not let do gooders ball and chain you into something for which you are clearly not of a mindset to do.

yes, you might find being a mommy is your cup of tea, but if not, then you will be miserable and the child will suffer along with you.

i speak as your friend, not a judge, not a jury, and not a do gooder.

I like kids, but i never wanted any. fortunately my wife and i never had any before she left me.   I like dogs. when you grow tired of them, you put them outside, close the door and thank god they can't open the door and come in and ask, why is micky mouse talking and my pet ???? can't.