I'm writing a book- Here's an excerpt- read it!?!?

Question

I'm already on 85,000 words. It's just a minor excerpt but let me know what you think! Don't be scared to tell me the truth either. I'm not afraid of harsh criticism, haha.

“You stole my diary?” I gasped incredulously, my blood beginning to boil underneath my skin.

“Cameron, listen..”

“How could you?” I whispered. “The one thing I could count on to keep me alive. Do you know what I’ve gone through without that?”

“Do you know what I’ve gone through without you?” His voice was getting louder. “Cameron, I began to wonder if I would ever love again. I began to wonder if I was worth anything at all.”

“How can you be so selfish? You’re the one who chose! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS!” I screamed furiously. I felt my eyes begin to water, but fiercely choked the tears back. I didn’t have time for them now. They were all for nothing anyway.

“What do you mean - I’m the one who chose? You chose the first day you laid eyes on that hideous creature,” he growled.

My mouth fell open in shock. I let my eyes flicker to his wounded expression, and then widen with realization.

“You mean Lucas? You think I chose him? You think I love him?”

“Yes.”

His face was only inches from mine now. “You’re wrong.”

“Then say it,” he hissed.

“Say what?”

“Say that you don’t love him.”

I looked away shamefully. “I-I can’t.”

I saw his hands begin to go into a spasm, and watched as he stiffly shifted his weight. “Just admit it, Cameron. You love him.”

I closed my eyes in disgrace. “Why did you take my diary?”

I looked up to read his expression, but desperately wished I hadn’t. It was treacherously contorted into a lifeless mask of sorrow. I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes on him.

“I needed to know,” he whispered. “I needed to know if he was worth more to you than I am. I needed to know how much you loved me - if you did at all.”

Tears began to fall wildly down my face. I couldn’t stand it. He was so miserably and irrevocably determined to face what he thought was the truth. But he was so incredibly wrong. I wasn’t sure how much I loved Lucas. I wasn’t sure what risks I was willing to take to keep him from harm, but I was sure of one thing: Not an ounce of my heart felt for him the way it felt for Sebastian. My love for him was solid, unmoving.

I stayed frozen where I stood. I knew how I felt for him, but I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t feel as though there was anything that I could say that would be good enough. Nothing that would make him believe that he was the love of my life.

My sobbing was getting harder every second, and soon, I began to choke on my regret. I felt his arm gently cup around my shoulders and he rested his chin on the top of my head.

“I’m sorry,” I finally choked out under the blubbering.

“Shh..”

“No, Sebastian, you don’t understand..” I began to try to explain, but I knew it was useless. I knew he already had his mind set. He had read my diary. He knew what lay on the pages. I had already lost.

There are also, of course, no italics on this thing, so a lot of things I would usually italicize.. aren't. Thanks and please comment!

Answer 1

Looks to be an excellent story. I commend you for having as much as you do. 85,000 takes a lot, and from what I just read it's a great 85K. I'm interested in the story, and I honestly don't read the genre at all.

If you really wanted harsh criticism, I guess it could be said that there's a lot of similar situations in a lot of different books, but what can't that be said about?

As a random question, have you been to www.nanowrimo.org ?

It's an amazing writing site and one where you could potentially find many more readers of your excerpt.

Good luck trying to publish! (If that is your intent)  

Answer 2

aww good for you.. pls i hope you have copyrighted this first, because people will still your idea..im very careful with the things i share to people as far as my ideas and writings  

Answer 3

Very nice!!

Answer 4

I THINK IT REALLY STOLE MY HEART

GUD JOB

keep up the gud wrk  

Answer 5

No offense, but Cameron is a bit over-dramatic. Otherwise, Very good! I hope to read it one day.

Answer 6

this sounds great so are you going to write more?

Answer 7

Hi.  I am writing a book also, so this was really nice to read, another writers work in progress.  I am wondering if this is a drama, romance, or possibly a thriller?  Very nice writing style, I don't read first person that often, but this was quite enjoyable.  In just this short bit, I was able to get a clear idea of who both characters were and their current and future predicaments.  You show great emotion with both characters and the tension can felt, along with a good idea of the plot found out from the diary.  Personal opinion on the capitalized yelling sentence, I don't think you need that all in caps, her emotions show her feelings enough that if that sentence was just a straight sentence written with normal capitalization will work as well or better.  

All in all I really enjoyed this snippet of your book.  I wish you the best of luck with getting your work out there and published, you definately have talent.

Craig

Answer 8

good i hate reading but it seems interestign can u tell us the title?? so i can look for it when it comes out

Answer 9

I'm afraid I can't agree with anyone else, and I found it way over the top. The dialogue needs a lot of work IMO and the characters emotions seem kind of schizophrenic.

Do you have an aversion to the word 'said' or is it just because this happens to be an argument?

Because to me, it's distracting to have too many different speaking verbs. I can count five different ones. 'Said' is your friend. It blends in. It gives your dialogue the weight of the piece rather than the verb that follows it.

You also appear to have an over-fondness for adverbs, which can make the writing style come across as a bit juvenile. There are much more sophisticated ways of describing things, without everything having to be done 'incredulously' (bad word by the way) 'furiously', 'shamefully', 'desperately', 'wildly', 'irrevocably', 'incredibly'...

You've also used some quite cliché imagery, for example 'blood beginning to boil'; avoid clichés like the plague!!

Answer 10

i found the dialogue too over the top.

Answer 11

Hmm, very well written dialouge. Please keep writing more, I can't wait to be able to walk into a book store and see a million copies on the shelves(:

But, please don't tell me this has something to do with vampires or twilight, too many people are writting vampire love stories (not that I don't like Twilight). I hope this isn't another one(: