I'm writing a story and i need help! if you can give constructive criticism. ?

Question

http://www.ourecho.com/story-4235-Unknown.shtml

there's the beginning.

questions:

-if you were an editor, would you read past the first line?

-how old do you think i am to be able to write that?

-any intresting plot ideas?

i asked this earlier but i didn't get much of a response.

once i get a few answers i will post my age.

Answer 1

-The fist sentence is kind of boring, so its a definite maybe.

-I'd say at 14

-Not sure, you should make yours, so this book is ALL your idea.

Answer 2

i would change the main character from a boy to a girl since obviously

ur a girl and its harder to write the point of view from a different gender because ur story does sound a little feminine and i think it would make the character more relatable.

Answer 3

I liked it, and The first think I personally noticed that I liked was the use of short concise sentences.  Intentional or not it gave you story the feelings of panic and discomfort, much as Jared was.

One thing that I didn't quite like that read sort of bumpy for me was:

"Annabelle...I saw dad..he was with-her face twitched, trying to remain calm but not doing a good job-another woman." My mind instantly replayed the pain.  

I feel like you should disconnect the part that you have in the middle of his line.

Perhaps,  "Annabelle..."   her face twitched with anxiety, "I saw dad...  he was with another woman..."  My mind instantly replayed the painful sight.

Another thing I would suggest though is writing out the numbers instead of saying them like 18 and such.  It is just more acceptable and usually a better writing strategy.

It's good though. Keep it up.  I would read past the first line, I mean you've got to, you set us up so that we understand that something is wrong but we've no idea what.  

As for your age, I'm guessing 14-17.  I hope those ages don't offend you.  I like to write to and I feel that you are as good as me or better so... Just a guess.  

Answer 4

OMG that has such an interesting plot i dont even know where to begin!

god i have to read more ....that sounds like its been professionally done by some famous author ..wow i would have to say you are probably around 15 or 16 .

please email me when you have written more !

Answer 5

It's pretty good, but the first line seems to broken up to me. Find a way to combine them so that they can be one or two sentances.  

As an editor, I suggest that you make your opening line that grabs people attention. As for your age, you can't really tell. There's a lot you could do with this. Write several different versions and pick the one you think is strongest.

Good luck.

Answer 6

If I was an editor, no, I think I would just glance at it and toss it somewhere. Sorry, but that's the truth. You made it too VERY clear that this person is scared, and I'm sick from it. You seem 13 or 14 by the writing.

I just thought of this now: an awkward girl, who's mental, has a hidden journal where she writes daily different ways to kill people. She has a guy best friend (also a bit loony) who stalks her that helps her create different plots and test their theories out.

Answer 7

My impression is that you're young, but you have talent!  My main suggestion would be to read what you've written aloud -- see how some of the short sentences work and see how some them do not.

Also, read aloud the dialog and see how well it flows.  There are some great bits and others that could use a bit of tweaking.

Great draft - keep up on it!

Answer 8

I would say you are about 14 or so.  I'm not an editor so I don't know...I think that you are trying too hard...your are trying really hard to be creatively expressive, and its not working out that well, your sentance structure isn't great, the words don't flow...its good to be descriptive, but you don't have to vomit it out.  I didn't read past the first couple of sentances...I think you are possibly on a good track, just stop trying so so hard...sorry, hope I wasn't too harsh...

Answer 9

My opinion: I think that you are fourteen years old.  Am I close??

My critique:  There are many corrections which you need to make in what you've written in order to produce a cohesive beginning.  Some of your descriptions are a bit contrived; they sound odd -- the mother's chocolate-colored hair at her elbow, for instance.  The gist of what you've written IS interesting, and it is original compared to a lot of what I've read here on Answers.  If none of your characters is going to transpire to be a vampire (!), I would encourage you to continue with writing the plot as you envision it.  Once it is completed, perhaps you can have it critiqued by someone objective with a good basis in English grammar who can also help you edit it.  I think that it's worth your effort to develop the story if you have conceived of the entire plot and know where you intend to take it.  Good luck!

Answer 10

honestly id say you were in high school or lower. but you need to get your train of thought together and try to lead into what the plot/subject sooner because the lead seems a little bland and as if you were trying to drag on a little bit. but other than that not bad just work on it some more and try to work on your layout as well as punctuation in some areas. your ideas are somewhat displaced as if at random at times. but other than that i would read it.

Answer 11

It was a little bland but I guess I would continue. I am 13 and have written thins as good as that so anywhere from 12-21. I can't give you a plot idea. it should be your own.