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I'm writing a story i need some help with ideas and opinions?

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Preface

My breathing caught. Slowly the corners of my lips tilted up into a forbidden smile. I don’t know why I should be smiling at a time like this for it soon would be over. But I didn’t think of that at this moment. All that mattered was the male figure that had just appeared in this very door way. Tall, but someone thin and pale, just as I figured I would appear. But that did not matter in the least. My eyes were fixed on his transparent ones. It was as if nothing as I should have known existed. The color was the brightest yellow for a human eye possible. But as I thought this male wasn’t quit human, nor just any ordinary male. For only a moment I thought he was a patient from another room in the hospital. His body looked so fragile and ruined. But how he walked and held himself up made me think otherwise. I’ve seen him before in my dreams, but never had thought he was real. Shaking my head trying to get awake from the dream world but nothing happened. So I decided to enjoy this so called dream. His voice invaded my head.

Telling me to follow him out of this room. Without a though I got up like nothing. Like all those surgeries meant nothing. Like I was totally healed even though that was impossible. I walked across the room and took the strangers hand, it was soft and feather like, but looked frail and broken. I took it anyway without hesitation. He led me from the room and out of the hospital. It was still dark outside but there was this light in the sky. It was beautiful. I started drifting into the sky like I had wings. Every intake of breath brought me close to that simple light. Looking through the hospital window I saw myself, or what was left behind of it. The machine had a loud steady beep, the beep of death people say. The doctors rushed in and attempted to restart my heart, for it had failed. I was so close to that light now, I smelled my favorite flower, the rose. When I was just barely there I flew back into the hospital and slammed into my body. The first breath always hurts the most after you die. The second doesn’t get any better. But I gradually started breathing again.

After that little near death experience the doctors wouldn’t leave me alone.

I was in a car accident and had beat up pretty badly, but after I heal I stilled stayed in that hospital bed. The doctors told me when they did I blood test they saw signs of cancer cells. Just what I needed to have another near to death experience. It was the first signs of leukemia, basically telling me my bloods bad. I was poked and prodded with needles and other sharp objects and had transfusion after transfusion. In the end they told me they had nothing left to do but wait till dead took me under its care, again.

CHAPTER ONE.

“I’m not like all the other sick people in that building just waiting to die Kerry, I’d rather spend it doing things I’ve dreamed of before I go under the ground.” I said with heavy sarcasm.

“Jesus, when are you suppose to you know…” Kerry nearly shouted.

“The doctors told me five months until I wont be able to walk I’ll be too weak, then another two before I die.” Saying this carefully so no one else on the train heard.

London was a big city, the under ground subway system was dirty and had million of rats colonies.

“What are we going to do in London hook up with some French guys?” That’s Kerry for you, always thinking of the guys.

“ We are going to the famous museums and the fountain there that was build around two centuries ago.” I said getting excited just thinking about it. As a little girl I’ve dreamt of going there, just to through a coin in the fountain and wish for something.

Even though my lucky was mostly spend.

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3 ANSWERS


  1. I didn't take the time to read the entire story but right off the bat, you have a lot of grammar, punctuation and spelling issues.

    "wait till dead took me" should be "wait till death took me."

    And what did you mean by "again"?  Were you dead before?

    "just to through a coin" should be "just to throw a coin."

    "Even though my lucky was mostly spend" should be "Even though my luck was mostly spent."

    You do not have any white spaces.

    You stop and start paragraphs at odd places.  Each paragraph should have a complete idea.  

    Try varying your sentence lengths to add interest and make it less choppy.

    Edit, edit and then edit, again.  Make sure you do research on leukemia so that you're not making things up.


  2. okay I love how you wrote this!but the male character does have some resemblance to the one the only EDWARD CULLEN from Twilight(fangirl is swooned) in the description sort of not really. BUt I really like how he is dying but this but , I need alittle more explanation of what's going on who's Kerry and who's the other person overall if this was published I'd read it.

  3. My first bit of advice: Is there a reason you are writing in first person? A fatal mistake that people making is thinking that first person is better. It makes the writer think that it is better because it is easier for them to write it, but they forget to consider the readers. If there is no other reason for you to be writing in first person other than it's easier for you or you think that it will make the reader feel more connected, then you need to reconsider this decision. Remember that the narrator is the one telling the story and unless there is a reason, your readers must be able to trust that the narrator is saying things truthfully. We need be able believe that the words the narrator is saying are true.

    Also... read and mimic less Twilight and more good literature.

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