I'm wrote a poem, will you critique?

Question

Please nobody take this poem because I spent a lot of time on it, and I take pride in what I write. (Ideas usually come scarcely to me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Open up your ears

And be silent tonight.

The things that will happen,

Will be a wonderful sight.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

Listen to the rustling trees.

Listen to the rippling wind.

These sounds will keep you at ease.

Watch the lightning.

And hear the thunder.

You'll be amazed and shocked,

And struck with wonder.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

The sound will keep you at ease.

There's always yoga or breathing,

Or a ball meant for squeezing.

But I prefer the thrill,

Of watching it all stand still.

Listen to the rustling trees.

The sound will keep you at ease.

Turn your television off.

Turn out all the lights.

Take a look out the window,

And view the beautiful sights.

Listen to the rippling rain.

The sound will keep you at ease.

First the sky lights up,

Mimicking colors of the day.

Then comes the thunder,

Vigorously clashing away.

The storm will keep you at ease.

I find this part of nature,

To be exceptionally beautiful.

The powerful sights and sounds,

Can be notably delightful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you think?

Should it be longer?

Is there anything you would change to make it sound better, like certain words?

I'm welcoming any and all criticism/advice.

One last thing,

What do you think of these titles?

The Storming Calmness

Open Your Ears to Nature

The sounds will keep you at ease

Listen to the storm

Do you have any ideas for a title?

Answer 1

I believe in your work, and I enjoyed it.  Parts of your style remind me of a favorite Robert Frost poem.  There is one segment I would take a second look at though:  "Watch the lightning.

And hear the thunder."

See if you can re-phrase it so that you still convey the thought and image but with wording that's less trite.  Good examples of this are:  "Mimicking colors of the day." and "Vigorously clashing away."

For a title, try:  Be Silent Tonight

Answer 2

Wow, that was amazing! When I close my eyes, I can actually visualize what you were writing.

Wonderful.

However, you should add more figurtive language in it (similes/metaphores/comparisons with other objects). It will become more lively.

Like, how your face, body, fingers, hair, anything! Be more specific by telling us the sound, feel, smell of the rain.

Nice job! Keep it up. :-)

Have a nice, awesome day!

Answer 3

Here's some ideas for the title:

- Natural ease

- All natural

- Listen to the drizzling rain (famous poems usually have the first line of the poem or main stanza)

Answer 4

I am a big fan of thunder storms (except when I'm caught in one!) and I thought this was pretty much amazing. Could it use some work?-- Yes, but easy changes. Read it out loud and you'll hear a few places that-- at least in my opinion-- could use another word or a word taken out to flow better.

Also, I personally think that if you ended it here "The storm will keep you at ease." and take out the "I find this part of nature" etc. etc. stanza it would be a better ending, simply because it just seems to work nicely ending there and it kind of confused my head at first reading one way, like your talking TO ME, then right at the end, you switch it up and talk ABOUT YOURSELF. Know what I'm saying? Either way, I think it's a great poem.

Answer 5

A poem doe's not have to be long a poem needs to capture the reader and make him or her not only feel it but live it you have all the qualities here but there is one mistake, You put (rippling rain instead of rippling wind) I noticed this because you were drifting the main ideology in theme down to open a new portion of the poems continuance.

Besides that not bad at all and keep up the good work one thing I will mention that will help you always is to read your poems to yourself out loud and look for the blind areas.

And what I mean by blind areas are thing's that sound off or just out of place like the mentioned above you would have most likely have caught it if you would have read it out loud to yourself.

And as for the title it has to do with not only listening but seeing so dig into your soul and seek for the answer and you will find it there.  

Answer 6

I really don't think it needs to rhyme. That's really distracting. Or if it rhymes take out all the little parts where you said "the storm will keep you at ease." You said it once but you don't really need to say it again.

That's just my opinion though. I thought it was very original and it had a good message. It wasn't dark and depressing like a lot of other poetry I've read.

For a title I like The Storming Calmness. The others are a tad cheesy.

Answer 7

I like the concept of your poem. It does have a calming feel.

I might suggest taking out superfluous words. Not that what you have is bad.

Open    your ears

     be silent tonight.

The things that will happen,

Will be a wonderful sight.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

Listen to the rustling trees.

Listen to the rippling wind.

These sounds "shall give" you ease.

Watch the lightning.

     hear the thunder.

You'll be amazed and shocked,

     struck with wonder.

Listen to the drizzling rain.

The sound "shall give" you ease.

There's always yoga or breathing,

     a ball meant for squeezing.

But I prefer the thrill,

Of watching it     stand still.

Listen to the rustling trees.

The sound "shall give" you ease.

Turn "off" your television.

Turn "off" the lights.

      Look out the window,

    View the beautiful sights.

Listen to the rippling rain.

The sound "shall give" you ease.

First the sky lights up,

Mimicking colors of the day.

Then comes the thunder,

Vigorously clashing away.

The storm "shall" keep you at ease.

I find this part of nature,

To be exceptionally beautiful.

The powerful sights and sounds,

Can be notably delightful.

I have a little problem with this last paragraph. I thought it needs to tie the ideas of calmness and ease together. Take care.

I find storms of nature

to be uniquely insightful

Their power is calming

In a way that's delightful.

I was just reading through this thinking it is a perfect lenght for a song. Then realized it could easily be set to the melody of that Queen song  Bohemian Rhapsody

"Open your eyes

Look up to the skies and see-

Im just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-

Because Im easy come,easy go,

A little high,little low,

Anyway the wind blows,doesnt really matter to me,

To me