I'm young and pregnent, I'm stuck between the descision of adoption and raising a child.?

Question

I really do feel as if I could raise my child and do a decent job it. I feel as though, the right descion is adoption, I have already found A family. But I'm stuck, Can I really give this child I already love so much, and been carrying for nine months away? I'm simply looking for someone who has given up for adoption and how well they took it. Did you regret it? When you look back to you really feel it was the right thing to do? I am aslo intrested in people who have adopted. Just looking for some insite.

Answer 1

I got pregnant when I was 16 and felt so sad and cheated when I had to give my baby up. I was an emotional wreck and swore I could never do it again. When we got pregnant again at the age of 19 we decided it would be too hard to go through again. We split up when we were 21, he felt cheated and smothered. I raised him alone while going through college. Looking back on it now I know I did the right thing when I was 16, even though it was really hard back then I know now that it was for the best.

I am so glad that I kept my child at 19. Yes it was really a struggle at times but he never had any idea that we were poor or that I was different from other moms till he got around 15 yrs of age. (according to him)

Now he is 17 and is the most grounded kid I know.

He just started dating and I am so nervous he will get someone pregnant but he said that although I did a great job he knows he could never do what I did. I guess it depends on you, you said you could do a "decent job."

It is something that takes great conviction and it would mean that you would have to give up your teenage self. While your friends are out at the mall or going out on dates you will be at home. You would have to go from kid to mom in a very short time. I had a great support system, my mom would watch him about once a month so I could go out. But when I would go out with my old friends I found that I had nothing in common with them. There are also teen support groups for young moms in many communities. If you do not have the support system you would have an even harder time.

I wish you all the luck! Very painful decisions either way. If you need to talk you can email me.

I forgot, I had another child that is 10 yrs younger and I can not believe how easy it is when you are older!

Answer 2

Giving your child up to stranger will probably be the worst decision of your life--and you'll most likely NEVER get over it.

Here are some things to read:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Answer 3

You say you could do a decent job raising your child.  If that is the case, you are the best thing for your child.  I'm sure it will be incredibly difficult at times, being young, and there will be many sacrifices, but if you CAN do it, it will absolutely be worth it.

I suggest getting some independent counseling (not thorough an adoption agency) and work through this decision process.  Figure out what resources you have and how you plan to parent your baby.  In the mean time, do tell the prospective adoptive family you are strongly considering parenting your baby.  You absolutely do not owe them this baby even if they think they are going to be this child's parents, but don't "lead them on" so to speak now that it may not happen.  And don't be pressured to give in because of anyone's disappointment, etc.  You need not make the decision until your baby is born and you have seen if you can parent.

Answer 4

I adopted my son 4 years ago. It has been great. His birth mother was only 15 when she got pregnant.  She knew right from the beginning that adoption was what she wanted to do. She wanted to finish school and be a normal teenager.

But your situation is different.  You are confused on what you really want to do.  This is a decision that only you can make.  If you adopt out your baby it will most likely be fine and have a good life. But will you regret it?  I feel if you think you can raise the child, then you should try it.  You may be making a mistake that you can never correct if you give your child up for adoption.

I say if there is any doubt at all, then don't do it.

Answer 5

Interesting, you didn't give any reason why you feel it's right to adopt out, but plenty reasons why it WOULDN'T be right   :)

Answer 6

Here's a personal story. One of my best friends gave up her first child for adoption when she was 16. A family from our chuch adopted her and love her so much and have raised her to be a beautiful young girl. My friend, lets call her Sara, has an open adoption and gets together for special holidays and also sees her biological child at church and other events. When we became good friends I got the courage to ask her how she feels about the situation. She is completely 100% happy with what she chose. Now she is happily married and has 3 boys that are wonderful! She does sometimes wish that her daughter was a part of her family but knows that the adoptive parents are the parents. Think of your body as a portal for the child to come through to their real family :) AT least thats what Sara would tell me :) You are doing an amazing thing not just for another family and the child but also for yourself. You will not regret this decision. I will tell you that my friend has had some really hard times coming to terms with what she did, but in the end it was a wonderful thing and your situation will end well as well :)

God bless

I am sorry I just have to add because I saw what someone wrote above about adoption being a terrible choice and I looked at some of the websites he/she listed. My sister is adopted and she probably wouldn't even be alive today if she wasn't adopted. So many other children are in this situation. yes its hard for the adoptee and birth parents but HELLO life is HARD! Many people deal with lots of different issues in life but you have to do what you feel is right for your life and your family and your child. So many parents have been blessed with children through adoption and it should not be looked upon as a loss (in reference to that website saying a certain # of children are LOST to adoption, that is TERRIBLE!)

Answer 7

I know how you feel.  Everyone handles emotions differently. Some handle them in a healthy way, others do not.  I think it is up to you whether or not you will deal with your decision in a healthy way or not.  It is up to you what decision you make.  And it is up to you whether or not you feel regret.  But I can tell you my story, and I hope it reassures you.  

I felt very similar to your description.  I felt so close to my baby.  I wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him.  It was all I thought about.  I felt jealous every time I saw a woman holding her baby.  And I knew, technically, I was very capable of parenting him.  

But I also knew that I would be setting the three of us (my son, me, and his father) up for a less than desirable life.  As it was, I hadn't finished college and could barely feed myself, let alone another mouth!  Sure there are government aid programs, and food shelf, but believe me, they are never enough.  I know enough teenage/young mothers without a college education to know what those programs don't provide, and it is a lot.

I also saw myself loosing a part of my life that I don't want to loose.  I want to become a whole person before I devote my life to a child.  I think both I, and my future children deserve this.   I want to finish school, traveling, and discovering the person I am and want to be before I loose the chance.  You can have a kid anytime up until you are 35 even older.  But you can never get your youth back.  

Plus, I thought my son deserved parents who are ready for him.  Parents who are at that point in their life where they are ready to devote it to someone else.  That could raise him with the ideals and devotion that I want to raise my children with when I finally have them.

I knew I couldn't devote my life to a child while I was working at least one full time job and trying to go to school.  I just wouldn't have the patience or the time.  Especially when I wasn't exactly at my "maturity peak" so to speak.    I wanted my son to have all the attention he could handle.  I wanted him to be held and cared for every time he cried.  I wanted him to be raised by parents not babysitters.  I wanted him to be read to and played with, I want his parents to enjoy time with him (which I knew I couldn't fully do that with such a stressful life.)

That is why I knew that it was selfish of me to want to keep him.  Someone else could do a better job at this point.  

Anyway, I went through with the adoption.  I had second thoughts all throughout the process.  But I kept reminding myself that it was me being selfish.  I did what was best for my son.  

But I did spend three days in the hospital getting to hold him.  And I breast fed him for those three days.  I think those were the best three days of my life.  

Now I am so happy!  I have a very open adoption, and I love the parents I chose SO much.  Things couldn't have worked out better.  They want me to be a part of his life, I get to see him, I get pictures sent to me all the time, and I talk to them every week.  

Plus they are raising him exactly the way I want to raise a child someday.  All they do is spend time with him, take him places, play with him, read to him...etc.  And he is the happiest kid I've ever seen.  Really.  I'm not just making it up.  He is totally outgoing to everyone, he is always smiling, he almost never cries (he is 1 year old now.)  Plus he is really advanced, and I think that has a lot to do with the parenting and all the attention he gets.  Which he wouldn't have gotten living with me.  

Anyway.  Like I said, I hope my story reassures you.  I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your child.  I hope you never have to feel regret.  :)

Answer 8

I don't exactly have experience here but I can tell you, find out if they family is PERFECT for your baby. Also you can keep in touch with them, especially if they live by you. Keep an eye on them, visit your baby, take care of him/her.

Answer 9

I think you shouldn't even pick a family until you have held that baby of yours in your arms and are sure you really want to place her.   Puppies don't even become available for "adoption" until like 8 weeks old, I never get what the big rush is with newborn adoptions.  Its hard to say right now how you will feel once the baby is born.  If you feel like you could do a decent job, do it!

Answer 10

I tell you what I think. For me a child is a gift from God, but to have my own child would be a dream come true, and I know I'm going to have my family soon, but as for me I would not believe when the time comes and look myself holding a baby Wow! that will be the most amazing thing! I don't know but when i have my kids it will be awesome, no matter what situation you're you need to think about that little creature, why in the world would you want to give him/her to another person, if that's what God gave you to take care? You may not know if that child could be the next president, a great artist , or athlete, just imagine if you give him/her for adoption and 20 years later you see him/her with great successfulness, you will want to be near him/her, but it will not be easy knowing that this child will not see you as his/her mother. Keep you kid it will be a blessing

Answer 11

Here's a personal story.  It wasn't too long after the ink was dry on the relinquishment papers that my father started trying to find me.  After we reunited, he said that giving me up created a hole in his heart that never went away.

You're only "young" for a couple of more years.  But, relinquishment is permanent.  Once you give up your child, you have absolutely no real say in whether or not you ever see him or her again.  Open adoption agreements are not enforceable under the law.  

You love your child.  It makes sense that you would be insecure in your feelings as to whether or not you could do a good job as a mom.  Plenty of mothers who have no thoughts of relinquishing question whether or not they'll be good moms.  They turn out just fine.  The fact that you question yourself means that you want to be a good mom.  This is a positive sign.  

There is a lot of help and support available.  There are plenty of single parents of all ages who are good parents.  With the way you talk about your love and concern for your unborn child, it sounds like you can be a good parent for him or her.

It would be one thing if you just flat out had no interest in this child, and couldn't wait to get it out of you and into someone else's arms.  However, this is not what you're presenting.  Remember, too, that this is not a decision that is ultimately decided until after the birth.

Answer 12

You should put all your feelings aside and think what is best for the baby not you. Just because it will hurt you to give that baby doesn't mean its the right thing to keep it. You can't feel you will be able to support the baby you have to know. If you really feel this family can give your baby what you can't , I think you should give it up for adoption. You can even ask for an open adoption, you can get updates on how the baby is doing. Do what is right for the baby not you. Good Luck!!

Answer 13

If I had options and programs and social acceptance back then, I would not have made the choice I did.

How did I cope? I drank    a lot.

If your affraid of not being grown up enough now, see how fast you grow up after giving away something that means everything to you.

Birthdays are unbareable every year, Christmas sucks, Easter is unplesant. I could go on.

I don't have the strength or the time to tell you my story. It's here if you want to find it.

bottom line, the rollercoaster ride your going to call life for the next 18+ years in my opinion isn't worth it.

email me if you want more.

Answer 14

I can't answer for you.  Only you can.  You are asking the right questions, however.  Be careful about some of the answers here.  Some people don't care for you or your child, just their agenda.  

I believe it is right to question this decision, either way.  I believe the fact that you have decided to give birth to your baby makes you wonderful and it means you love your child.  If you make your decision out of love for your child, then either way you can't go wrong.  Either decision you make will be hard on you and the child, so you should go with what is going to give you the most peace when you lay your head down at night 30-40 years from today.

Answer 15

i had a baby at 15 i had an open adoption so i can see my baby when i want and works in with her family she is now nine and i know i made the best decision that i could of. she asked me the  other day why i gave her  up and i told her that i couldn't give her the life she deserve and she gave me a hug and told she has a great mom and a even better one for giving her a great life witch made me happy i know just had a baby with my husband and i am prod to say that i will be able to give this one what she needs and know that maddie will always have two great family's

Answer 16

you got pregnant, you carried the child for nine months, you should raise the  child.  You need to realize though in order to do that you must give up a lot and ALWAYS put your child first.  If you want to raise them right, you need to put partying, boyfriends, and going out behind you for at least the first few years of your childs life, preferrably from now on.  You must hold a job, or school for a better job, and become self supportive for yourself and your child.  If you feel you cannot do these things maybe adoption is a way you should look.  Talk to your family about it, if you don't have family, talk to friends or find an older trustworthy person to talk to about it.  Adoption is forever, and it will hurt like you cannot believe, but so is raising a child.  In the end it is what is best for your baby, whether you keep him/her or not.  Pray about it and good luck with you and your babies life.

Answer 17

Speaking as an adult adoptee, my teenaged BM giving me up for adoption was the greatest and most wonderful thing she could have done for me. I dont know how she feels now almost 24 years later, but I have thought about her every single day of my life, and couldnt thank her enough for the gift she gave me.

Answer 18

If you have even one lingering doubt that you may want to put your child up for adoption then I don't think you should keep it.  I would only keep it if I were 100% certain.  You can't be selfish and want to keep your child just because you think you can't live without it.  Adoption is a wonderful choice and there are so many people out there who want a baby so bad and can't have one.  You would be giving one of these couple such a wonderful gift.  They would love your baby so much.  You can't play games with peoples emotions.  If you found a family then you have to choose because it isn't fair to them.  It is really hard being a parent if you aren't prepared for it.  It is really expensive and trying and so exhausting.  I have a severely handicapped child.  I am married though.  It is something that I never could have handled if I had been a young, single mom.  A decent job just isn't going to cut it.  Give your child to a family where there will be a mother and father to raise it because if down the road you regret your decision you are really going to resent your child and that wouldn't be fair to your child.  This is one of the possibe consequences of having s*x so young.

Answer 19

No one can tell you want to do. You need to listen to your heart and do what it tells you to do. If you feel you could do a good job raising your child then why do you want to consider adoption? Ask yourself why you feel adoption would be a good choice for yourself and your baby.

If you are already having doubts it seems unlikely you will be able to place the baby for adoption. It would be best to inform the family that you selected now then to wait, so that they may find another child to adopt.  They will be sad and disappointed but it would be far worse if the baby was in the care for a time period and then you changed your mind as was able to get the baby back. Reclaim period can be anywhere from a few days to a few months.

You might make a list and list reasons you feel you could parent your baby, and also list reasons you feel adoption would be a better choice.

Answer 20

Keep your baby. There's too many delusional weirdo's out there adopting.

Answer 21

It's your decision, but no matter what you think now, I hope you will choose open adoption.  It doesn't necessarily mean visitation (that can be up to the AP's).  The true meaning of open adoption in the legal sense is that the paperwork is open for you, the AP's, and the child to be able to go to in the future.

My prayers are with you no matter what you decide.  As an adoptive parent, I think you know the decision is one that needs to be made as soon as possible, or at least let them know that you haven't made up your mind yet.  A little doubt on their part, and then adopting is better than thinking they're getting the baby, and then have you keep it.

Answer 22

Speaking as an adoptive mother, if you want to raise your child, then do so. There are plenty of resources out there that can offer you emotional and financial support.

Good luck!

Answer 23

Make sure you know your rights - and don't let ANYONE guilt you into this decision.

The best mother for this child - is you - and if you put your mind to it - YOU WILL BE.

This child already knows you - and wants to be with YOU.

Make sure you read this -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

If adoption doesn't HAVE to happen - that is - if you are not a threat to the child - you will not hurt the child - then it shouldn't - and you should do all you can to parent your child.

I know far too many adoptees that hurt from being given away by their mothers and bio family.

Nothing will ever make that hurt go away.

I was lucky - I had a wonderful adoptive family - but I missed out on growing up around the people that look like me - act like me - have talents like me - so I always felt as if I didn't totally fit in.

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.

I'm sure you'll be a great mum. (oops - sorry - mom!!)

I wish you are your baby all the best.

Answer 24

keep your kid.

Answer 25

If you are financially and emotionally stable, you should raise the child. no matter how nice the parents are, it will cause your child immense confusion and pain to feel like their real mother didn't want them. They will always feel that pain,even if the adoptive parents are awesome. However, if you feel that you are not capable, you should do it, but only as a last resort.

I knew a 17 year old who kept her baby, and she loves him with all her heart, even though she wasn't completely ready to support him. Think this over carefully, and do what is best for the child. Let me place emphasis on the do what's best for the child part. Do not do it because you feel like a good family needs this baby. It is YOUR baby, and YOU will feel the regret of giving the baby up if you want him/her. Do not do it because someone else wants your baby. There are plenty of unwanted children in the world, they don't have to have a baby. In fact, any adoptive parent is downright selfish if they try to pressure a mother to give up her child. Do it only if you want to. Don't be pressured to give it up just because they are such nice people. Everyone has problems, don't be fooled. At least with you, the child won't have the risk of feeling like they don't belong, or feeling unwanted.

Answer 26

It is your choice. But if you keep him/her love them with all your heart. If you give him/her up for adoption, never look back or try to find him/her.

PS I was adopted as an infant, and have had a great life!