I've always wanted to adopt AND give birth, but my boyfriend doesn't seem interested in the adoption part..

Question

This is certainly not a deal breaker for me - he's a wonderful man.. We've been together for almost three years, have talked marriage and kids and the future, and have only not gotten engaged because of finances and college.

The only thing that makes me a bit sad is that I have always loved the idea of adopting a baby, and he's told me that he doesn't feel like he could love a baby that wasn't his the same way he would love a baby that was. He comes from a very loving family, and that whole idea of "blood ties" means a lot to him. He told me he it would be different if it something happened to my best friend (whom I all my sister, we've known each other 14 yrs now) and her husband, and they decided to leave their son w/us - he said that would be different, because they were entrusting us with their child, and they were someone we were close to.

I can understand his position, and I would never force it, but has anyone experienced this with a spouse who had a change of heart?

Answer 1

Hi

It doesnt sound like he had a change of heart ? it sounds like he never wanted to adopt.

This guy wants a biological child of his own and that is fair enough and understandable and men of course have the whole "pass on the line" thing going on.

BUT if you were infertile or he was then he might think completely differently

I think it is unreasonable of you to expect him to be okay with adopting.

Finish college, have fun, Get married and have kids....If you are biolgoically able to then you are blessed

And just leave it at that

Best of luck x

Answer 2

My husband, his older sister, older brother and younger brother were all adopted from the Phillipines.

I've told my husband that I want to adopt because I don't think it's right to bring a child into this world when there are just so many that don't have parents.

My husband really wants to have a child of his own to continue on his legacy.  It's important to men to father their own children so we've compromised and we've decided to have a child first and when that child is a little older, talk to the child about adoption to see if it would be ok to bring home a brother or sister.  If the first child is ready to have a sibling, then we're going to adopt a child a few years younger to avoid going through the whole baby thing again.  But it's all just a rough draft for now.  Who knows if it will really happen that way.

Answer 3

If he is not on board 110%, just forget about it.  You say it's not a deal breaker, and i'm assuming you are able to have bio children...so leave it at that.  It would be unfair to you, him and the prospective adopted child if any one of the two of you have doubts.

Answer 4

kick him out.

Answer 5

Why push him, that will only cause resentment.  Too many women push their other half into this kind of thing.

Answer 6

My parents, my mom and stepdad.  After me, and then having three of their own, they decided they wanted to adopt and give love to a needy child. They decided to adopt from Russia. And yeah my dad was a little hesitate at first, we picked her up, and I think he fell in love with her first. She is just as part as the family as anyone of us.

Answer 7

I am adopted, and if either of my parents hadn't been 100% on board with raising me as their own, it would have been a HORRIBLE life for me.

Think about how this will impact the child you could potentially adopt.  While your man's feelings may change either before or after an adoption takes place, it's a dangerous game of russian roulette when you are playing with the life and feelings of an innocent child.  Children deserve to be raised in a loving home...if you can't provide that, then don't do it.

Period.

Answer 8

He may or may not change his mind about his feelings toward adoption.  You've said this issue isn't a dealbreaker for you, but my advice would be to make sure of this before you walk down the aisle.  How would he feel if one of you were infertile and unable to conceive or carry children?

I'm glad the two of you are talking about these things BEFORE you are married!  I've heard of lots of couples who didn't have this conversation (or general conversations about childbirth) until AFTER marriage!

Answer 9

Alot of people are selfish I find in blood relationships.  If the kid ain't theirs, they ain't interested.  If your future husband does not agree with your opinion about adopting children and your heart is set on it.  Either you change your mind or find someone else that does agree with you how you want them to agree with your ideas.

Answer 10

You need to think about why you think you need to adopt a baby when there are so many couples who can't have children who want to adopt and can't because there aren't enough healthy babies available.  Is it because you want to give a special needs child a chance?  Or a child from Ethiopia a better home than they could possibly have?  

Your boyfriend is more right than wrong.  Many adoptees have reported that biological children are treated much better and given more opportunities than the adopted child. That is why many agencies will stop the process if you discover that you are pregnant.  

Finally, if he isn't on the same page, then you have to decide whether that is a dealbreaker or not. Hoping he will change his mind is spinning wheels.

Answer 11

First of all I think you should really talk to him about it- properly. Tell him how much you want it and if he loves you he will want it too, talk about getting engaged as well. If he says he honestly hates the idea of adoption than im sorry but unless you can convince him maybe you should forget about it or maybe he just isnt the right man for you.

Answer 12

He could change his mind he may not.  I'm sure its natural for someone think they could love their "own" more. I think many PAP have that fear even more if they already have biokids. Some go on to release it was just that fear. I compare it sort of to how people fear they couldnt love another child more then their 1st regardless if it is bio or adopted. Yet love expands and grows and is not meant solely for people biolgoical related to us.

Be lucky at least that this is not a deal breaker. I wouldn't get seriously involved  with a man who was not ok with one day adopting. I know there are guys out there that will have no problem with adopting I know some of them, some who have already adopted, others who hope to maybe adopt one day.