I've been asked to give a talk at the ladies village jam and biscuit making meeting?

Question

Can you suggest a topic? The last time I give a talk there quite a few of the ladies had a case of the vapours during my talk about sexual techniques involving jam.

Answer 1

doesnt jelly, like KY work m' lord?

Answer 2

Oh my dear boy, it's must have been absolutely dreadful for you. The upper crust ladies can be quite raucous can't they ?

Only last week I had tea and scone party and some saucy little minx came over. I was buttering the scones and she said seductively "Is there anything else hear you might like to spread, instead of that butter" as she raised her skirt up too the top of her legs.

Needless to say, she got more than she had bargained for with my sizable 10" she had to drag herself home.

"Must go !" "Toodle pip old boy !"

Answer 3

Just thank your lucky stars that you aren't giving a lecture to the gluemakers institute.

Answer 4

Any topic you want old boy as long as you keep me out of it, the last time you gave a lecture to those harridans you took them on a conducted tour of Madam Fifi Latours Pleasure Palace, There I was in the bar  wearing nothing more than a smile when in troops the jam makers, damned bad show that Rotter, frightful row with my Lady Agatha the Chairwoman, now she makes all sorts on unreasonable demands of me, damned bad show that, damned bad, should have had you horse whipped

Answer 5

as always I am impressed Rotter ..not many gents can talk while jamming a ladies biscuit.

I say, what ever happened to the karma sutra sisters ?.....they should have know better than to try and go ten rounds with you.....last I knew , they where seen leaving your manor ( visibly shaken)

Answer 6

"The pleasures of a human jam sandwich" should make the chairs moist!

Answer 7

If you wish I can lend you my gardener, Higgins.

As you know old Higgins wins the 'Most Interesting Shaped Fruit or Vegetable' category at the Twizzlegrass village fete every year.

He could bring along some of his beauties:  He has a cucumber that looks like Anne Widdecombe, a marrow that grew twisted and bares a striking resemblance to Boris Johnson and a large carrot that reminds everyone of Arnold 'Stubby' Johnson from the Block and Tackle in Oxford.

You could show the collection then ask the ladies if they can think of any uses for them.  

I believe Doris Greythorpe of your W.I makes the most marvellous marrow jam!

Answer 8

Talks are boring!! show them the tape we made, no point in having deviant s*x nowadays unless you got the footage to prove it!!

( my talents deserve to be recognized)

Me and some of the girls wanted you to pay you homage by remaking the ding ding dong song,  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbYtqAWDF...

Answer 9

Hi ho ! I have had this problem in the past AR and my advice would be to cover your 'baton' in vick. Any vapours will soon be vapour-ised.