I've been asked to me best man for my friends wedding, but I dont believe he should marry his bride...?

Question

I have been asked to be my friends best man, i was obviously chuffed! however this is no traditional wedding & im not sure he is marrying for the right reasons:

He 27 shes 18 baring 1 child with previous partner - obviously background makes no difference in our day and age.

1) He has been seeing his fiance fo 9 months and in that time she has got pregnant by him.

2) his family will not attend the wedding, due to ill feelings towards the bride and a recent fallout between the bride and groom with his family.

3) the bride will not allow the groom a stag party or to go out with just friends due to trust issues. this is now and the foreseeable future.

4) The groom has mental issues with depression which has yet to be resolved and has become increasingly unhappy with losing family through arguments.

Is being best man also a commitment as a friend to be honest, and discuss the above with your friend? If anything i'm concerned with the trust in the relationship as there is none.

Answer 1

I didn't even read through your post.

It is none of your business.  People should have the right to make whatever mistake he/she wants to make.  He knows all of the things you mentioned and he is still choosing to marry her.  It is your job as a best man to be there for him and support him.  If you can't do that, then step down but it isn't your job to play matchmaker.

Answer 2

all you can do is have a good heart to heart talk with him point all issues out to him then it is up to him to decide his future

Answer 3

The thing is... if he is determind to marry this girl, then with or without you, he will still do it!

Try telling him everything you feel. express that you want him to be happy & if he IS happy, then you will be honoured to be his best man, but that the best mans role is often to look after the groom... & that you want to do your duties to be sure he marrying her for the right reasons!

Answer 4

I would sit down and talk to him, don't call his girlfriend names and be nasty just try and make him talk about how he really feels about getting married. It does sound like he is doing the wrong thing but if he does go through with it just be there for the fall out and support him through it. May be show him the answers you get to this question so that he can see that you are not the only one that would be worried about him.

Answer 5

IF you're a good friend, you have the right to confront him as a friend. Not in a mean way, but as a friend. If there is no trust between the two, why does he want to get married. Does he think this is the best he can do?  

However, if the bride is already pregnant, then you can look at that one factor and understand why they don't trust each other.

I'd be his best man because we need friends even when we're doing dumb things. But, I'd let him know my thoughts beforehand. And also that something is terribly wrong if she has taken his family away from him. No couple is an island, and that's what it looks like she's trying to do to the two of them. She's too immature to marry someone. She will only cause him more problems.

Answer 6

You can look at being a best man in two ways:

1)  You are showing support for the groom:  Then I'd do it and just keep quiet:  He's determined to marry her - if he won't listen to his family, what makes you think he will listen to you.  And by being his best man you are supporting him even though you don't agree with his decision.  It's his life anyway- and he's already lost enough people because of this.

OR

2) You are showing support for the marriage: Then I'd say no:  You can't stand up there to support the marriage if you don't believe in it.  Tell your friend the truth, tell him a white lie - your choice.  Sounds like telling him the truth won't matter, everyone close to him has tried.  So if you want to at least keep your friendship - I'd make some excuse as to why you can't do it.

Answer 7

I can really see your dilemma and I think it shows your worth as a friend that you are taking this so seriously.

While I can see your moral issue, and think that you do need to have a good talk with your friend, at the same time if things go the way you think they will chances are very soon he will need all the friends that he can get, so maybe you could take an I don't agree with this, but you are my friend and I will always support you no matter what, stance.  Being his best man will prove this to him and hopefully ensure you stay close for when he needs you.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

He made his decision. He is an adult and you are his dfriend, be there to support him, he doesn;t need yet someone else turning his back at him.

Sure, that tramp ain't no catch, but that's a mistake that he has to learn from and see it on yoru own. Nothing that you say or do is going to make him change his mind, so don't waste your breath.

My advice is to be there for him and be there when the fall out comes.

Good luck

Answer 9

I was asked to be in a friend's wedding and I had serious reservations about the groom.  I sat down with her, told her I loved and supported her and then voiced all my concerns.  She listened, disagreed, and married him anyway.

They seem to be doing fine, but if it had turned disastrous and I hadn't said anything, I don't think I could live with myself.  Me talking with her did not destroy our friendship--she knew I was just looking out for her.

I'd recommend you do the same.  Tell your friend your concerns, and tell him you'll be there for him if he decides to go through the wedding or not.  Being a friend means sometimes saying things that are honest but difficult to hear.

Best of luck!

Answer 10

In most cases, I'd say suck up your own personal feelings because you're there to support your friend if she makes him happy.  But in this case, it sounds like he's NOT really happy and is only marrying this girl because she's pregnant and he feels obligated.  Because of this, I think it's your duty as a best friend to have a serious talk with him.  Tell him you're honored that he asked but that you can't in good conscious accept being his best man....not because you don't value his friendship but because you can't in good faith support the marriage.  You have to just be honest with him.  This is his LIFE he's committing to this person.  Yes, I know there's always divorce but that's the problem these days....too many couples enter into marriage KNOWING deep down that it probably won't work but think "oh well, there's always divorce."  She doesn't sound like a mature, loving, stable partner you can hang your hopes & dreams on.  He needs to have someone who can tell him those things in a nice way.

Answer 11

He needs to know the truth. Tell him but do it nicely. He might need to wait a while until the families get a long and until he's feeling better. It's best for everyone.

Answer 12

It's your job to make your buddy happy, stand by him in whatever decision he makes, if the marrage works then gr8 but if it fails you still be there to help him, that it what a real friend would do. Keep your reservations about his woman to yourself, don't you think he has had enough of people pointing the finger at him? the poor man, all he wants to do is get married to the woman HE loves! unfortunatly its not about what you or his family wants, try whatever you can to help his marraige go ahead, also if I were you I would be doing my hardest to make his family see that he loves this woman and really wants them to see his big day! come on be his real friend and help him get married. If you go against him also then you will loose him as your friend and it sounds like he really needs his friend.( through thick and thin)

Answer 13

Let's get this straight...

There's a nine year age difference. He's robbing the cradle, and that's all her fault. I can see how she forced herself on him.

She got pregnant, all by herself, and he had nothing to do with that. I can see how it was all her decision to have unprotected s*x...

His family is giving him a hard time about it, causing him stress and exacerbating his depression. I can see how that's all her fault too!

She doesn't want him to have a stripper/hooker-laden bachelor party due to "trust issues". He couldn't have done something to cause her not to trust him, right? His friends couldn't have been encouraging to go out and get debauched or anything, right?

He's under massive stress because his family's giving him a hard time about getting a woman pregnant and doing the right thing. Of course, their behavior has NOTHING to do with his depression, it's all her right?

A best man's commitment is to STAND BY HIS FRIEND, and be a friend to the woman he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. If there are trust issues in their relationship, that's THEIR BUSINESS.

I could be wrong, but it sounds more like you're resentful of the woman who's taking your friend "off of the market". Spend as much time examining your own motives as you do finding reasons to hate and distrust her, okay?

Answer 14

hard as it is you have to let your mate make his own decisions

he's a grown man and trust me if you try to talk to someone in a situation like this in their eyes it's there partner always comes up smelling of roses.

He wont realise if it's a destructive relationship unless he sees it himself

it may be frustrating but it's a fact

Answer 15

Since he trusts you to be his best man, I think you should be the one person that he knows he can count on to support his marriage -- whether you truly believe it or not. He's going to get married with or without you there, so you might as well do the best you can and support him.

If he asks for your opinion, then it's okay to tell him what you think... Nicely.

Answer 16

you can voice yoru concerns in a loving way, but your friend desperately needs support right now especially with the circumstances with his family. even though you may not agree with this wedding i think it is ipmortant that your friend know that you will support him whatever his decision is. if you turn your back on him like his family has where will he go then? if there is a depression issue that needs to be resolved your lack of support will only make it worse and i would think that right now you are the one person he could probably go to with an issue. take him out for dinner or guys night in and tell him that you support him and his decision and you will be there every step of the way to help however you can, but you want to help him understand the issues that people have.... and list out the reasons that you and others think this isn't exactly right for him. you have to do it in a kind way and make sure that he knows no matter what you will still be there. you guys may not see the whole picture of what is going on or maybe your friend isn't, but support is most important now.

Answer 17

Be kind and honest to your friend but be careful as if he has mental health issues you could find yourself falling out with him.

Answer 18

OMG - what a way to start out in married life.  I think you should go out with your friend and say of course you'd love to be best man and that you'd consider it an honour.

He's made his choice. It's your duty as a friend to stick by him and just be there when it's time to pick up the pieces - which it seems you probably will...If he's prepared to turn away from his family over her.  He'll turn away from you too.  He'll need you to be there for him.