I've been messing around with this poem. I'd like some real critiques. Help?

Question

You form the phrases of love.

Your words surge

With the undulating tides of your lips

And float to my ears

Where they rest for a fleeting moment

On the last breath of a dying day.

Your words are mine alone,

Transcending time

Until they filter down into my soul,

Making me whole again.

They fill me up,

Quelling the void

Created by the distance

Between two hearts

And rise to claim their home

Amid the celestial perfection

Orbiting around us,

Emblazoning their grace

Upon heaven's gentle skyscape

To remind us of these moments

For all our lives.

They confess their hope

To remain bound to us forever

As their smoldering embers

Bond us together,

Two star-crossed lovers desperately trying

To untangle the web of constellations

That imprisons our emotions.

We'll escape

And search east of the sun

For the glimmer of hope

That arrives with each new day.

Answer 1

Your poem is filled with cliches and big words that seem to have been put in there to impress the reader. "Undulating," and "transcending," for example. Cliches include "smoldering embers," "east of the sun," and glimmer of hope.   Nor do I think it has much to say. Sorry.

Answer 2

that is really great

Answer 3

I'm not into poerty but Im a song writer. This sounds rithmicaly corrcet. I will let some others to critic the message and the structure. I do have a tip for you. Try not to present your creations in a public forum. Some one can take it, modified them and use them as lyrics for a song. Then one day you'll be hearing thru a radio station a song made with one of your poems, it is not good. You hold the rights of the song even if is not copyrighted because you have the writen evidence but still, you will avoid a very frustrating moment.

Answer 4

You're spending too much time in the terrestrial world. It only works with actually real experiences that you can relate. Try describing the simplest of things and try to put it in a way that you believe that you see and no one else does. It would be a good exercise for you.

I think you are more of a hopeless romantic than a poet. It is good to be that sometimes too.

Answer 5

Wilson,

You ASKED for a real critique. This is largely anonymous despite the appearance. You know as much about me as I do about you. I have a masters degere in poetry and I worked hard to earn it and I had my fair share of this type of criticism. I also teach at the local college, but please, I don't need to explain to you or apologize. Poetry is hard to write but worth writing and once you free yourself of all that b.s., you CAN buckle down and write quality poems.

Careful what you ask for. If you wanted your ego stroked, you should have said that from the beginning. I will not apologize for not handling you with kid gloves when you ask to be treated as an equal.

If you want to learn to write well, you must remain open to criticism in whatever form. I could have strategically stated my opinion, but then you would not have taken it seriously. And I truly would like to hear some poetry from you.

Nathan

Answer 6

What's a phrase of love?

Answer 7

The best advice I can give is to read some well-regarded poetry to understand how it works. Try Yeats, Williams, auden, Stevens, Eliot...

Answer 8

sounds pretty good to me.

Answer 9

Good job. I like everybody to check my poem out . tell me what you honestly think  thanks

Answer 10

Poetry, like everything good, takes work, time, experience. Do not give up so soon.

You have talent for imagery and metaphor. Keep trying. I see potential in you.

Answer 11

I've spent the last hour reading the poetry of lots of new writers - so far yours is the only one which shows promise.

Yes, some of it is cliched - but, it is very hard to be original in poetry, but your strengths are you have a good vocabulary (and you know what the words mean that you have chosen).

The rhythm of the poem is good and you have a natural feel for echoing rhymes.  If this is an early attempt at poetry you are to be congratulated.  I wish my early poems had been as good.

Well done.  Keep writing.