I've been messing around with this poem but not getting responses. Help?

Question

Can you help me make it better? Constructive criticism please...

You form the phrases of love.

Your words surge

With the undulating tides of your lips

And float to my ears

Where they rest for a fleeting moment

On the last breath of a dying day.

Your words are mine alone,

Transcending time

Until they filter down into my soul,

Making me whole again.

They fill me up,

Righting the void

Created by the distance

Between two hearts

And rise to claim their home

Amid the celestial perfection

Orbiting two hearts for eternity,

Emblazoning their grace

Upon heaven's gentle skyscape

To remind us of these moments

For all our lives.

They confess their hope

To remain bound to our hearts forever

As their smoldering embers

Bond us together,

Two star-cross'd lovers desperately trying

To untangle the web of constellations

That imprisons our emotions.

We'll escape

And search east of the sun

For the glimmer of hope

That arrives with each new day.

Answer 1

very very good

it flows and isnt repetative

the lines start differently its... idk how to say it besides deep even tho that might sound weird

great job!!!

Answer 2

Wow!! That's a great poem.....good job!

Answer 3

I find it a little repetitive and inconsistent at the same time.

In my humble opinion I suggest changing this line:

"Righting the void" especially the word "Righting"

and also replacing one or two of these:

"Between two hearts"

"Orbiting two hearts for eternity,"

"To remain bound to our hearts forever"

the word "heart" starts to get a bit much.

This is just me but I also have a problem with so many references to time.

i.e

fleeting moment

dying day.

Transcending time

for eternity,

these moments

forever

smoldering embers (again a reference to something past or left over, ending)

each new day.

The whole thing is too wordy for me and unclear.

I think the whole second half of stanza 2 needs work.

I was kind of expecting the distance between the two hearts (the void) to have been a silence or lack of the "the phrases of love." which you had been waiting to hear. But what created the distance and what the void is, is not apparent, at least not to me.

.

Answer 4

This poem makes my mind think too much. I find myself deciphering all your big words to find the meaning. I, and this is just me, would use simpler words. I'm new to poetry.