I've finished my poem, what do you think?

Question

Girls in white dresses would dance through the fields

picking armfuls of daisies, a portrait of youth.

Soldiers in uniform now march through the fields

blood staining the little white flowers in bloom.

Girls in black dresses mourn through the fields

laying flowers on the graves, a portrait of sorrow.

What do you think? Is there anything I should change?

Answer 1

It's a wonderful poem. The only thing I would change is the last word, "sorrow." It doesn't need to rhyme with "youth" or "bloom," but all of the words at the end of each line are one syllable except for "sorrow." It makes for a slightly distracting cadence.

Answer 2

to me it would sound better if every other line rhymed but idk

Answer 3

take out 'the' in the last line, it doesn't work with the rest of the flow. Because in the second line its armful of daisies, not armful of the daisies, you know what I mean? I like the flow, I want to play acoustic guitar and sing it. Stay Strong.

Answer 4

I love it. Bloody brilliant! So evocative and the imagery? Wow! Wonderful work...thank you for sharing!

Answer 5

Certainly a meaningful poem. Nice descriptions, although you can improve your imagery.

Overall, Good.

Answer 6

Great poem!

however the last line, is rigid compared to those following it...it needs something...laying flowers on th graves, a portrait of sorrows....add something there.

great read! Loved it.

Answer 7

Aww I really liked my answer;

Girls in black dresses weep through the fields

Shadowing the high held caskets of soldiers.

You really dont like it??

Answer 8

I love it!

Good job!

Answer 9

I like it just the way it is. Nice flow.