I've found out i was adopted...

Question

I had always been suspicious - never seen any photos of my mum pregnant with me and while both my parents have blonde hair mine is brown. I dunno, i just felt different. I've been through quite a few problems lately, struggling with school, eating disorders, relationship problems and haven't been getting on with my parents in general.

They're always arguing and i heard 'my dad' say the other day that he was thinking of moving out.

Anyway the other day both my parents sat me down and told me i was adopted when i was 4 months old. My real mum apparently was extremely young when she had me and couldn't cope. I asked my mum if she'd met my biological mum and she said yes she had when she was pregnant with me and she seemed nice but very very young and wasn't fit to raise a child, plus she came from a very strict Catholic family who wouldn't have wanted her to have a baby before being married. My mum has said to me that she loves me very much and even though there are no blood ties i am very much HER daughter. i know she doesn't want me to find my real mum and since she told me she hasn't spoken about it again or mentioned anything else to do with my real mum apart from what i asked her.

I love my mum, shes the one who raised me and brought me up. it's just everytime we have an argument, i feel like i want to find my real mum and see what she's like. I'm not bothered about who my real dad is...i bet my real mum doesnt even know if she was that young or if she does know she probably has no contact with him. My adopted dad and i have never really got on and he said he's going to move out. I don't know if i can do this to my mum but do you think i should try and find my biological mum? Just to see what she's like? I wouldn't go and live with her coz my mum is a great person - its just as i said, whenever i argue with her i feel like finding out what my real mum is like...if she is a bit more like me perhaps...if we look the same. I'm curious. What should i do? I am 16.

Answer 1

wait until everything cools off.. I found my real mom when I was 30.. we have a good "friend" relationship... my adopted mom is ok with it... nobody can take her place... you just need to be honest with her and let her know what you are feeling... It is normal to be curious... especially for medical records...

Answer 2

This is something you should talk to your mom (adopted mom) about. Tell her you would never move out and that she is your true mom but you really want to meet and get to know your biological mom. This is perfectly normal and could possibly be a great experience for you to learn about your biological mother!

Good luck with everything!

Answer 3

I think you should be honest with your adopted mom.  Don't do it when you have a fight though.  Tell her you are curious and it doesn't and will never change the way you feel about her.  Maybe she would feel better about it if you asked her to be involved.  Maybe she would like to help you.

Answer 4

Guess what? I was adopted too, but I only have a mom because she never got married. You are so lucky to have a father. And my mom also says I will and always will be hers.  I have always dreamed about meeting my birth mother. And I would follow my heart to do what it thought was right. I have not found my birth mother yet but I hope that someday we meet. I was adopted in China and it is against the law to meet your birth parents. But someday the laws will change...I can feel it in my heart. And yes, just like you when my mom and I fight I wish I was with my birth mother. I know what it is like to be adopted and it can be hard. So this is my advice to you: follow your heart. If you feel the need to find your birth mother, do it! It's what your heart and your mind decide.

Answer 5

thk GOD dat u were not kill but u hav a mother n dad dat care be  with them

Answer 6

i think that you should talk to your adopted mum about how you're feeling- it's expected that you'd be curious. tell her that you really want to meet your biological mum just to see what she's like, and tell your adopted mum that you don't intend on replacing her, you just want to see what your birth mum is like. it should be up to you, considering it's your mum, but don't say that to your adoptive mum cuz it would most likely hurt her feelings.

Answer 7

I am an adoptee and I have always known I was adopted.  I grew up happy and loved my parents very much.  I did not know anything about my birth parents other than they had made a very brave and difficult decision to try to give me a better life.

There were times when I was a teen and I was having trouble with my parents I would wonder if my biological parents would have some special insight that would make everything so much easier.

Now that I am older, I realize that this was just fantasy.  The truth is that teens and their parents tend to drive each other crazy.  If you had been raised by your biological parents you would probably have fights with them as well.  Its what teens and adults do as teenagers struggle with becoming adults and parents struggle with letting go of their children and accepting them adults.

It sounds like you are going through some difficult stuff right now so its probably not the best time to meet your birthmother.  She may have it together and be able to help you through this but it is more likely that establishing a relationship with her at this volitle time could create more difficult isssues for you.

Your adoptive mom has raised you.  No one else loves you and knows you like she does even though it doesnt always feel that way.  The older you get the more clearly you will be able to see that.  Try to find help with your issues.  Get some counseling.  But don't fool yourself into believing that everything would be better somewhere else.  Its rarely that simple.

Answer 8

I am an adoptive mom of 2 wonderful little girls from China, both of whom, while greatly loved by their  bio Mamas, will never know them. Thats just the way it is in China adoption.

That being said, I can speak on behalf of your adopive Mama and say this. She will love you no matter what, because she feels like you have alwats been hers, even though she did not give birth to you.

  If you are in the US, you can request your records at 18 and track her down yourself. Bring closure to your life or maybe make a start with your bio mom and bring the families together.

  Do what your heart tells you to do. Its usually right.

Answer 9

do what your haert tells you!

Answer 10

Oy!  Sweetie, you have two Moms, just like me and lots of other adoptees on here.  I will always be glad that my parents (who adopted and raised me) were not insensitive, selfish twits like "AMB" who answered above.  The thing he (AMB) doesn't realize is that his daughter (if he actually *did* adopt) may VERY LIKELY have all the same feelings that you (and I, and others) have.  She will, tragically, have less support that many adoptees do.

I'm so tired of people (many who have no idea what they're talking about) telling us (adoptees) to be grateful that we were "rescued" or "saved" or had a "better life".  I had a great life but (since reuniting with my natural family about 4 years ago) I have come to learn, as I had always suspected, that my life was NOT ANY BETTER than it would have been if I'd been raised by my natural mother, or father, or both.  It was different, that's all.  Thankfully, my parents never made me feel like I had to be "grateful" to them for my life or for being adopted.  (Sadly, other people tried to and that's just WRONG!)  Please just let the uninformed, insulting comments of the less-knowledgable roll off your back.  They don't have the first clue and don't want to -- they'd prefer to live in their rose-colored ignorance and pretend that 'all's well'.  *sigh*

If you wish to find your natural mother, do it.  I would, based on my own experience, suggest that you include your mum if she's willing to participate.  This may go a long way to ease her concerns if she's feeling unsure about your feelings -- or what you might do.  If you never plan to move to where your natural mother lives, tell your mom that.  My natural mom and I have been building a relationship for 4+ years now -- with the total blessing of my adoptive parents -- and I still live near where I grew up.  I am married now, and live with my husband, but we are about 40 miles from my parents home and (still) live over 2,000 miles from where my natural mother lives.  We visit as often as we can with my natural family, but my *HOME* is with my husband and this is where we choose to live.  Please remember that finding (and creating a relationship with) your natural mother does not need to be viewed as choosing one over the other, or as bringing something so drastic as moving.

I hope you will include your mom (and dad, if you want) and do what you feel inside.  I can tell you from my own life that the feelings of wanting to know don't go away.  Time, in my case, only made them stronger and deeper.  As I'm in the USA, I've never been allowed to have my own birth records or the records of my adoption.  Contrary to what many believe -- and one poster said -- adopted persons here are NOT allowed to have their records when they turn 18, or 21, or EVER.  Except in 6 states, and in some cases when permitted by a judge.  It's certainly not automatic.  So, with very little information to go on, my mother and I found each other over the internet.  :-)  It CAN be done!

Best of luck to you and I hope you find what your heart is seeking.

Take care!

Answer 11

Follow your heart :)  

Answer 12

Awww, it makes me sad reading stuff like this..

if u really want to know what ur biological mum is like and meet her then i fink u shud.. u shud also talk to your 'mum and dad' and let them know that u really want to see her, let them know how much u love them and u wudnt change them for the world after adopting u and bringing u up! they have done a great thing by doing that! but meeting ur biological mum will put ur mind at rest on how she is like and how u are both the same looking and stuff, and after meeting her and exspressing ur feelings u can go back to your mum and dad who adopted u and then think about whether you want to meet her again and have a day out somewhere.. im sure ur mum and dad wont be offended by it...

Answer 13

i guess its natural feeling that you search for your b. mum, but dont feel so sad about being adopted what is most important thing is that you grew up and be thankful to your adopted parents that they give you the chance to live in this world..  

Answer 14

Firstly, ignore people like "adopt more babies."  I'm not even certain that s/he is a real person, because I would hope that no real person posting on this forum would be that cold, heartless and lacking insight.  

Anyway, it's quite normal for adopted people to want to know their full history and know their first families.  It has nothing at all to do with our love for our adoptive families.  These are separate issues.  We, like most other people, are more than capable of loving a variety of people who hold a variety of roles in our lives.

Where did your adoption take place (country, state?)  If you give that information, people can better direct you with how to gather information for searching.

I'm sorry to hear about your adoptive father, too.

Answer 15

I wouldn't bother, she's probably poor or on drugs or something.

I adopted from Vietnam so my daughter won't have your issue. She'll never find the lady that gave birth to her. She was nice but didn't have a penny to her name, she couldn't raise her like I can afford to. You should be grateful you were saved and just be happy with the mother God gave you.  

Answer 16

Adopt more babies: Last time I checked, no adoptive parent had a crystal ball that could tell them every single detail about their child's life that would have happened had they *not* been adopted.

And the "be grateful" thing?

Sure, I'll be grateful that I experienced the psychological deaths of my mother and father. I'll be grateful that my brother lost me to adoption when he was a young child. I'll be grateful that my other family had to suffer through two decades worth of grief before they even knew where I lived, much less what I looked like and how I was doing.

"Your mother made the best choice for you, you should accept it and move on."

Except that, y'know, my mother DID NOT have any choice whatsoever. But you keep thinking that.

Judging by your response, you are very insecure. My APs never once told me how "grateful" I should be just because I am breathing life.

P.S. I didn't give you the thumbs down simply because I disagree with you. I gave you the thumbs down because you make assumptions about a mother just because she had to relinquish.

Try to look at it this way: Would you like it if people referred to you as an unethical baby stealer, simply *because* you took a child that someone else gave birth to? Of course not. That's not fair to you as a person. We can't judge you simply because you've adopted.

So then don't make assumptions about other adoptees' mothers on here. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to their mothers. I'm not saying *some* adoptees' mother on here AREN'T into drugs or alcohol, but that you should not make the assumption that they ARE.

Answer 17

You don't say where you were born and adopted.  

If it was Scotland you are entitled to your own birth and adoption records at the age of 16 without needing parental permission whatsoever.

In England and Wales it is 18 and also in Australia I think it's at age 18.

If you were born and adopted in the USA (as I was) the records are still sealed in 44 States by outdated laws based on the shame of illegitimacy and unwed motherhood (I know, still in the land of the dinosaurs)

Of course you love your Mum, so do most of us who have searched and found our natural parents.  It is totally natural that you would want to find out more about the truth of your origins.

I also feel that it is a common courtesy to let natural mothers know that the child she carried and gave for adoption is alive and well.

All you can do is reassure your Mum what she surely already knows - that you love her and that your need to know the truth of your origins is no reflection whatsoever on how you feel about her.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me.  I'm so sorry you found out so late; and remember it's absolutely normal to feel the way you do - to have conflicting feelings and split loyalties.  However, it is your life and your right to know.

All the Best from one who's been there x

ETA:   yowzers! I'll be forever thankful that I was not adopted by 'adopt more babies' !  geez  what a rotton unloving attitude toward their own child  - yuk.

ETA:  You don't need to be any more thankful or grateful for your life than any non-adopted person.  It sickens me to see people telling you that.  Did I mention you have to grow quite a thick skin to bounce of the insults adoptees get thrown at them lol - take care and turn a deaf ear is all I can say x

Answer 18

I don't know but I just wanted to say I'm sorry.  That must be incredibly painful and words cannot describe it.  

Get well soon.

Answer 19

Your parents marriage problems aren't due to you or because you are adopted. You are their daughter and they love you.

I'm sure your birth mom loved you very much too.  

Answer 20

being adopted makes you have all kinds of questions.'' do my biological mom and i look alike?, do we have any of the same habits.etc'' its so confusing to be adopted. not really much help, but talk to your mom. tell her how you feel, that you are just curious.