I've given my critique for a couple so its only fair to put up one of mine. your opinions?

Question

Soul Gaze

In Caramel-crimson fantasy

I silent shaped a face and form,

For private times, for me alone,

To dream and do with as I liked,

Fashioned in minutest part

With willowed hair and

Eyes and lips so full and sweet

They call to me alone

In caramel-crimson fantasy

She served as lover, maid or queen,

Or consort quiet, to feed this beast,

For me alone

For me alone,

And when that moment came

Shattering my silent screams of solitude,

Drawing me helpless into

That glorious golden depth

In the soul well of her eyes

To face my fantasies made flesh

Not w***e but mother-sister-child,

No more a thing to ease my

Inconsequential and corrupted self

But rather truth in beauty anxious

And unaware, yet conscious full

Of tears those eyes had known

And soul fed wounds

And tiny joys

That I would never know.

That moment came

A freight train crashing through

This house of smoke and mirror-cards,

Blasting away

The clatter-chatter distraction into

A silent echo shaped

By those perfect lips

To resound against and penetrate

My simple being graced

To bask in her immaculate radiance

That rushed out in concentric waves

To wash away the base and vile

Unworthy of her presence.

That moment passed,

To burn away

My caramel-crimson fantasy

Leaving me to see

Just me, just me,

Just me,

Alone.

Answer 1

Wow. This is beautiful, especially read aloud. My only suggestion is that I think the line breaks aren't quite where they should be, I mean not where I want to pause:

Blasting away the clatter-chatter distraction

into a silent echo

shaped by those perfect lips

To resound against and penetrate my simple being.

This was really wonderful to read. Thank you.

Answer 2

Good but long

Answer 3

Loved it! Thanks for posting.