I've heard it gets nasty in this section, why?

Question

I usually hang out in the Religion and Spirituality section, but someone mentioned that the fighting there is nothing compared to the adoption section. I, for the life of me, could not figure out why. What could people possibly be fighting about when it comes to the awesomeness that is giving birth to a life and giving it up to loving parents.. It seems like the ultimate gift of selflessness (in camparison to abortion) so, what is all the bickering usually about?

-just asking out of curiosity and utmost respect for all parties.

Answer 1

i seriously dont know ,but i loved how you used the word awesomeness ..you sound very caring

Answer 2

. Some do not want to hear that some of us do not have a problem with our adoptions. They don't realize that even though we are very happy about the way our lives turned out that we still know that there are alot of problems with the system. There is a difference. Abortion is a very heated area to go into.  As with all sections in y/a if your line of thought and your experiences don't go along with the ones that think they own the section then you are a black sheep so to speak. But there are alot of adoptive parents on here that need to know that it isn't as bleak a picture as some try to paint. Most on here don't want the good stories to be told. So as stated earlier they tell us that we are in denial or living in a fog which is not true. And the name calling is also one of the reasons. Also many on here just see who wrote the answer and automatically thumbs down it because they don't like the person giving the answer they never even read their response which is sad..This question alone proves that. Personally I think the thumbs should be done away with. As who has the right to thumbs down anyone else's life or feelings

So have you seen how quickly it turned negative like surfnerd said. Even you asking the question was given snide remarks.

Answer 3

its the internet! you are going to have mean people and nice  people. get over it..

Answer 4

it gets heated because it isn't always wonderful. to many women forget the fathers. My daughter was giving up b y her mom without my knowledge or consent so she could get back with her ex. baby brokering is nothing more than legalized kidnapping. if you don't want your child fine. if the dads a dead beat adoption is good but PLEASE for your childs sake the dads sake and even the potential adoptive parents give the dad the chance first or at least keep him involved with the process. adoption can be great but, unfortuneatly that is far from the norm.

Answer 5

The reason it gets nasty. Is sometimes you get some adoptive parents and some adoptees who feel that they need to tell us other adoptees to shut up and be grateful be glad you weren't aborted. Sayings like this stings.

Answer 6

yes.

some of us just sit back and watch the nasty stuff and post little. It is fun to vote and I learn a lot but, have no reason to get into the midddle of the mean stuff.

to:networkmom=I like the long answers that are not the same all the time instead of the same answer form the same people all the time. I actually read your answers.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, no matter where people are, there will always be fighting.  It appears to me that there are 2 sides of the adoption spectrum here, 1 being adoptees, and the other being adoptive parents, who are often desperate to adopt again, and ask questions like how to adopt that can really get some sour comments.  Yes, some adoptions end up not being good for kids, especially where there is state money involved in the foster care system, and that appears to be why some kids got adopted.  What gets me is that for each of these adoptions that go wrong, how many kids who, if raised by the parents who brought them into this world, would have ended up in so much worse poverty, drug use, abuse, separation, divorce, bad housing, violence, and neglect if they had been "raised" by birth parents instead of adoptive parents.  Sometimes it's hard to separate those who went through private, agency, and foster care adoptions.  Foster care adoptions generally have the child taken away rather than voluntarily relinquenshed, and to me, it seems harder on the child than if the mother says, "Hey, I can't do this by myself, but I'm going to love my child enough to try to get it a better life", and gives the child up for adoption.  There just aren't birth moms who get pregnant with the intention of giving a child up for adoption, it's the circumstances in their life that FORCE them to give up a child for adoption.  It's not the choice they want to make, it's a choice they feel they must, which is a selflessness choice.  It's the ones who because of drug use, abuse, etc, that get taken away in the foster care system that seem to be the most affected.  I wish we could all work together to make the lives of the children better, not just our own.

Answer 8

I dont think I have ever seen it get too bad in here. You have got to think though, that every single one of us are from different countries and we have all had different experiences. We all have different opinions and no everyone agrees. I think people in here just clash. Some people take things to the extreme though and act like stubborn kids. People who protest and shove their opions down your throat, rather than just sharing their opions, should be tarnished nasty and arrogant. I cant stand protesting!

I just type away, and if no one agrees with what I say then so what? I came on here to vent and express, so I expect to get mixed reactions. If we were all the same then we would be very boring lol

Answer 9

Oh boy, where to begin?

There are "angry" adoptees

Reform oriented adoptees'

"happy" adoptees

moms who gave up kids who are struggling

moms who gave up kids who are not

adoptive parents who feel misunderstood

adopted parents who do not

people trolling for babies

pregnant women in crisis looking for answers

foster moms and dads

social workers

foster kids

yahoo trolls who know just how to push people's buttons

Did I miss anyone?  Some of us represent multiple categories and all coexist in this strange little world. Emotions do run high sometimes.  I've been to many of the other Yahoo sections and this is by far the most interesting. It does get heated but people feel passionately about their views based on their experiences.  Unlike other sections with so many responders this section has a small town feel where you see many of the same faces again and again.  It does get nasty but then it settles down.  It is hard not be impacted by the stories here.  I've learned a lot.

ETA:  Ok gotcha Jennifer...I'll add that to my list ;-)  I'm sure there's more.  Anyone?

Answer 10

it usually gets nasty when people, with little personal experiences of the "not so great" aspects of adoption, make it out to be effortless, a cure for infertility or a means to "fix" a mistake without realizing the historical coercion, loss, pain, and overly nuanced nature of it.

bell well

Answer 11

I think people are just senstive here considering what the topic is. Hope that helps.

Answer 12

Whether or not it's meant as a selfless act...  

Many adoptees (even some of the "happy" ones) struggle with adoption itself, both how it's practiced in the U.S., and the act itself.  Abandoning a child often has negative effects on the child.

Myself, I think too many people are too quick to suggest adoption or to consider adoption.  People do not realize the problems that adoption can cause, even if it is sometimes necessary.  Adoption can lead to a great deal of pain and suffering, but society (including many people on this very site) often refuses to acknowledge that.

Answer 13

It can get nasty if some holier than thou nutcase gets on here and starts going off about how good adoption is and how there is no negative aspect to it.  There are a lot of negative aspects to adoption and lots of laws that need to be changed to protect birth mothers who are forced to give up the child and the child (who has no choice in anything).

Answer 14

The awesomeness of giving up your child? As a given-away child myself that sentence just doesn't compute. There was nothing whatsoever on the green earth that was awesome about my mother not keeping me.

Answer 15

As you've seen in the responses above there are many more issues than the "awesomeness of giving birth to a life and giving it up to loving parents."  Here's my summary of the issues - pro and (con in parentheses).

Adoptive parents - a well adjusted couple who wish to open their hearts and their homes to an unwanted child (Trolls looking to avoid home studies, having to be on a waiting list and having to pay through the nose to adopt by finding a vulnerable teenager who is considering adoption.  Insecure idiots who consider their adopted child to be their property - they paid enough, didn't they? - and never want their child to look for their first parents, or even know they were adopted if that were an option)

Adoptees who, although they had a wonderful life and two wonderful adoptive parents, still want to find out as much as possible about their biological family.  (Ungrateful children who don't realize they could have been aborted.  Potential stalkers who will "out" their first parents and ruin their lives.)

First parents who had no choice but to allow another family to raise their child. (Crack whores and convicts who would abuse and confuse the child who is no longer theirs and should be kept away at all costs.)

Adoption agencies who are selflessly doing their best to provide the win-win result of placing a child whose parents can't parent with a family that is better suited to do that.  (A multi-Billion dollar industry that will coerce, shame, lie to, drug, and threaten first parents until they sign relinquishment papers.  The same industry that puts a price on children but is not considered baby-selling.  So how come healthy white infants cost more than older children of mixed race?)

Answer 16

yes it does get nasty in this section.  I try to stay clear most of the time but drop in every once in awhile.  Part of the problem is there are two sides of every story or every situation and there are some that  don't want to hear both sides.  I have found that many people have good and solid advise but some feel it is necessary to be rude and stomp on those with an opposing view.  Of course there are some that just come on here just to be rude and not helpful but you will find those in most sections.

**birth dad in h**l** wow that is horrible.  I find it so painful that a women would be so awful as to not consider the birth father in her decision.  I do agree with you that adoptions should be more carefully conducted while in the termination of a father's rights.

Answer 17

Well, adoption is an emotional issue and people have some strong opinions about it.  I think the above posts lay it out pretty clearly.  

There are some that feel adoption should have some reforms (like access to adoption records by adoptees) and I've never really heard anyone argue against that.  

From the perspective of an adoptive parent, we get attacked here pretty frequently.  Some people feel that adoption should be abolished altogether and anyone with the audacity to adopt is tearing a family apart.

Stick around awhile.

Cruz: Don't forget the judgements about which adoption routes are "okay" and which one's aren't.  We international adoptive parents are called evil pretty regularly.

Answer 18

I spend a lot of time in this section and haven't seen too much nastiness unless a teenager or guy who wants to purposely wants to get under someone's skin posts something uncalled for, or abortion is brought up

Answer 19

I guess it only gets nasty when people come here - who know NOTHING about what adoption really is all about - and sprout how wonderful it is - without digging deeper - and seeing that really - it's an EXTREMELY complicated issue.

(think about it for just a moment - you're taking a child from his/her bio family/rootes/genetic markers - and placing them with a complete set of strangers - and then too often not letting the child know that they are adopted - or not letting them know of their truth - if you can't see that that is complicated - then please don't come here stirring the already troubled waters.)

FYI - most states in the USA have sealed all adoption records from adoptees - for the rest of their lives. They'll never be old enough to know the truth about their own lives!!

In adoption - there are goods (mostly felt by the adoptive parents - but there are also bads (losses felt mostly by both the first parents and the adoptees).

Sweeping statements - such as yours - really don't help.

Nor does the mentioning of abortion in this section help.

Adoption and abortion have NOTHING to do with one another.

Mention to an adoptee that they should be happy that they weren't aborted - and you'll see fire and brimstone.

That - I can guarantee.

Please take the time to look into the many deeper issues.

From your question - my thoughts - you've really only just ever looked at the shiny surface.

Answer 20

It also gets nasty in here when some holier than thou nutcase gets on here and starts ranting and raving about how all adoptions are nasty, and there is nothing good about adoption. (Yeah, it happens.)

Everyone has their own opinions about adoption, but there are some folks who don't toe the party line that all adoption is unnecessary and every adoptee will have issues, and if they say they don't they are in denial.

All experiences and opinions are different, and all should be welcome here, but they aren't.

Answer 21

To those who ask a question such as yours, no answer will suffice.

And to those who understand, no answer is required.

Further, to understand the concept of infinity, one must only consider the stupidity of man (or woman).

Answer 22

i can definatley answer this    there is a big old click that rules this whole entire fing board.  they have no senses of humor  they are like totally insanely extreme.  look at yur answers   notice how totally cool all was till "cloudy"  "empty" and all  there people came in and ruined it.  There are like four people here who go around with sticks up there as****es.  thats the truth.  everyone else like the first ten people who answered are really cool.  

"

Answer 23

Hey! I have an idea!

Why not make a baby, and give it up to be raised by others, then you can bask in your awesomeness!

Deconstructing families rocks!

Answer 24

Adoption is such an emotional topic from all sides. To the adoptive moms and dads who struggled so many years and heartaches trying to have their own child and the guilt they felt or at least I feel "taking" someone else child because of how their life turned out due to their own choices or not their own choices. To the birth moms who thought they were making the right decision and ache for the child they gave up and regret and think of what could of been. A child is a dream, a hope. It's hard when your dream comes, and another loses their. Their is no win-win in adoption just in a few rare cases.

Answer 25

The only time I've seen it get nasty is when people come on asking about how to get an abortion.  There are alot of people on here who are struggling to conceive, and the thought of someone having an abortion enrages them.

Answer 26

So, now you know!

Answer 27

This seems to be a topic with many points of view and the common language calls us a "Triad" ever try to find the middle of a triangle without understanding geometry?

Even those who Agree about "this" and "that"--may have conflict with the "other"...

and anytime there are "sensitive" issues--those on One or Two sides agreeing Push down and out the Third side...

Plus if you irritate someone then they Join the Anti-Fan Club and simply Thumb Down because of who you are instead of reading to content of your Question or Answer...

Once you have a large enough Anti-Fan club then there is the gang-banging "Report-It" efforts including questions resolved long ago--for invalid reasons...which require an Appeal....and in my case Most Often result in the restoration of the Violation Question or Answer  and a letter saying "We are Sorry you had that Problem"

So...a person changes their Identity a little and checks out how long it takes to be noticed and for the Anti-Fan Club to catch on to who you are...which you can monitor by the Number of Thumb Ups and Thumb Downs....and the cycle continues....

Or there is the Flat out remarks and chatting in the answers and questions...which can lead to mudslinging and hurt feelings with the Original Questioner adding 16 addional details to address all the Chatting and mudslinging or to further clairify the fact their Question wasn't meant the way the first 5 answers took it....

Of couse, there are also the outright attacks that take place when someone from the Other side says something someone on that side doesn't like--which leads to 27 emails from people who support you or Hate you....

Which leads to once in awhile someone looking arond for something someplace--maybe not even on Yahoo which offends them even more--so they come on and Ask a Question they know will be violated just to expose the person to public flogging....

...and about the time you decide it isn't worth it you meet someone you like so you stick around and drag yourself through it again...with a new name until someone spots it and starts their efforts all over again....

When all You wanted to do was give an honest Answer to a Question you think you might have something of value to add....

Answer 28

Abortion is about choosing not to carry to term.  Adoption is about choosing to parent or relinquishing one's child.  I can think of few things more heartbreaking than a family being torn apart.  This is precisely what must occur in order for an adoption to take place.  Most women who give their children up for adoption weren't planning to abort in the first place.  So many WANT to parent, yet find themselves in positions where they fear they cannot, due to lack of support.  How sad that a family must lose its newest member because of this.  

The idea of comparing adoption to a gift just doesn't fly for me.  Certainly children aren't gifts.  They are human beings.  The whole thought of one human being giving another human being as a gift to a third human being is putrid.

Since these women weren't planning to abort anyway, it's not that the idea of giving the gift of life (which I believe came from God, not people, anyway,) is somehow tied to adoption.  Adoption is not necessary in order to allow these children to live.  It is a tie that doesn't exist in any absolute sort of way.

I am adopted.  My first family suffered greatly for many years over my loss.  I, too, wondered what became of them.  There is nothing "beautiful" or "awesome" about family members being separated, whether it ought to occur or not.  Even in cases of abuse, there's certainly nothing wonderful about such a beginning that included the loss of an entire family because of lousy parents.  

There's definitely nothing awesome or beautiful about the discrimination that continues to occur toward adopted citizens in 44 U.S. states.

Unfortunately, most folks don't see the big picture when they think of adoption.  They just think of nice people getting a sweet child.  There's so much more.  No matter how good an adoptive family is, it does not eradicate that fact that it all began with a huge loss.  It does not eradicate the discrimination.  

I'm sure many others here have given much more detailed responses, as I've just quickly touched upon a couple of the issues.

Answer 29

After reading another post just thought I'd give you all the heads up that dont know , this poster has given her child up for adoption. So she probably knows what *that* feels like.

Abortion V Adoption - well its not really a fair comparison is it ? one is one thing and the other is another thing. Some feel strongly about one and some feel strongly about the other

Kinda like Liberal V Labor. Different followers - therefore you are going to get two different factions with two very different view points

Maybe Abortion is the ultimate gift of selflessness ? how can ANYONE say what is and what isn't ?

Perhaps the child that was given up for adoption only to be turned over to a pedophile and abused for her/his entire life and then on drugs and then horrifically tortured and murdered WOULD RATHER have been aborted ?

What is one persons reality may not be another's.

So with some very wounded people from all sides for their own realities, and adoptee that hurts, a Mother who relinquished her child that hurts or a adoptive parent who is unable to conceive / or has not been able to adopt that hurts when someone touches that raw nerve inside of them , they will inevitably lash out

Combine that with the fact that words written are conveyed differently, and that some people do hide behind their screen and make up stories and or just like to hurt others you are going to end up with what the Adoption section can be at times.

Hurt people aren't very tolerant

NetMommy if you want to change your identity change the length of your posts ie SHORTER...Cause thats a dead giveaway for you. :)

ETA To the poster below me Of course you do

Answer 30

as an adoptee, i personally despise adoption.  being separated from your mother is beyond traumatizing, especially as an infant.