I've read some very emotional stories in this forum over the last 24 hours and it got me thinking about?

Question

when I was pregnant w/my first. I was 19 and unwed but I wanted my child from the second I found out I was having him. I had hoards of people tell me to either have an abortion or give him up for adoption. Is there so much stigma about teen mothers that people assume you won't be a good mother or can they just not imagine raising a child that young? At the time I was insulted but just chalked it up to people not understanding that I wanted my child so badly. I'm not suggesting adoption/abortion are bad choices, just wondering why people are so quick to tell someone what they should do w/their offspring?!

Answer 1

"Just wondering why people are so quick to tell someone what they should do with their offspring"

You know, I don't know.  I'd also like to know why people are so quick to tell adoptees they should just shut up and be grateful.  I'd imagine it's because everybody assumes that they know better, end of story.

It sucks and thanks for sharing, by the way.  I'm glad you stuck to your gut and kept your baby.  Not every mother feels she should keep her child... but I don't think that mothers should be PRESSURED into giving up their children.

Answer 2

When I found out I was pregnant at 17 the only thing I was told was "You WILL be giving the baby up for adoption." I refused. In the end my family won out and he was adopted at almost 3. I had zero support and nobody to turn to. I had made my choice and they told me I had to live with it and figure life out for myself. I remember asking my adad for $5 for a gallon of milk and some bananas when my son was 15 months, he told me no effing way. That was when I knew I would never get any help and my son would never be a true family member. They acted the same way when my daughter was born, she eventually went to live with her dad because of my family and their pig headed inability to love my little b******s. I am now 31 and have a two year old b*****d daughter, my family has come around and accepts her more than they did my other two. They still accept my brother's children (all b******s btw) far more than mine but at least my youngest is welcome at Christmas dinner...

People like to think that their way is the only way and some will go to devastating lengths to prove their point. I was as good a parent at 17 as I am now but they figured they would save me from "ruining" my life... the irony is that loosing my son and having my daughter live with her father has ruined my life far more than delaying my schooling for 6 months and having to grow up early ever did.  

Answer 3

You ask a good question.  And I don't know why some people feel they have the right to assert their *opinions* as *absolute truths* in the case of another.

It may carry much less of a stigma now (in 2008) to be an unwed parent, or unwed pregnant woman but it is not completely gone (my sis faced a lot of the 'stigma' in 2000 when pregnant and unmarried) and it was TERRIBLE in the early 70s -- and during most of the past, when many of us here were born/adopted.

I'm not sure it's even possible for us now (try as we might -- or not) to really understand...truly FEEL what that kind of stigma, pressure, etc. was like.

I am absolutely certain that my mother loved (and loves) me and I am absolutely certain that she wanted (and wants) me.  I am certain because she told me and because her words had the genuine 'ring of truth' to them.  Can't most people 'feel' when they are loved?  Can't most people discern when they are being lied to?  Not 'always'... just 'usually'.  I can feel my mother's love.  It's in her words, her actions, her countenance...and her journals.  :-)  In her case, I don't think it was as much that her family (her father) thought she would not be a good mother as that it was 'improper' for a woman (my mother was not a minor) to raise a child without a husband.  They were ashamed for themselves.  They were 'certain' that "no man would have her" and they let her know it.  Her pregnancy was very hush-hush (from them...from her, not so much).  They strenuously advised her against telling anyone but especially her soon-to-be husband (6 months after my birth/adoption) about me.  She ignored that advice and (surprise grand-dad!) he married her anyway.  He never said, or acted like, he was 'doing her a favor' or that he was 'benevolent' for 'taking' a "soiled bride".  If only my mother could have known how soon the stigma would be gone...or how little effect (contrary to her father's 'wisdom') it would really have in her life.

Knowing her to be an honest person, I absolutely believe her descriptions of the pain, stigma, pressure, etc. regarding her (unwed) pregnancy and my adoption.  I'm doing my best, but I still think I fall short of truly understanding it.  Unless I had walked in her shoes/been in the same position -- during that same time -- how could I?

Just my $.02

ETA:  Chickenfarmer, you are more than welcome here by me.  And I'm sure there are many who welcome you just as warmly.  If you are interested in the topic of adoption, then by all means be here.  And whereever else you can find what you are looking for -- there's a lot of information "out there" for the taking.  You are no intruder in this 'house'.  Cheers!

Answer 4

In many cases I think people push adoption because they have friends or family who want a baby and think they are doing everyone a favor.  Also, teen moms get bad press and are convenient scapegoats for the religious right who like to ***** about their taxes.

My 19 yo niece was pushed by her OB and the hospital to give her baby away so she could finish college without the burden of a baby.  She was married too!  She told them to take a hike, kept her baby boy, and finished college.

Answer 5

Dear Chickenfarmer,

The problem is that people do shake a young mothers confidence in makings her believe her baby would be better off without her.  If an adoption agency is called, they too join the band wagon.  Presenting the idea that a married couple with more money would be better parents than she would.  Children need their mothers not material things.  Who is to say that the prospective adoptive parents would make better parents?  Its a subtle for of coercion.  After you hear things long enough you tend to believe them.

Young mothers are often victims of people telling them whether they should parent or not.  They are also told they will "get over" losing their child.  Not true.  That is why many of us here try to break the myths told to young expectant mothers so they can make an informed decision based on truth.

Thanks for trying to understand and learn here.

Answer 6

"Is there so much stigma about teen mothers that people assume you won't be a good mother or can they just not imagine raising a child that young?"--yes!

that and stigmatizing unwed, and young childbearing is good for business.