I've started to write the lengthy tale of Maenis. Please comment.?

Question

Chapter I

When the golden sun let open its stream of light

And watered the azure leas in a morning bright

Sheen-clad Maenis, astride the rushing wind of north

Chided his flying steed to open wings and burst forth

“Fly on Qavnus! For rosy Luqrea has stood,

Her lovely eye’s seeking us, her complexion lewd

For it has been long since my lustful gaze broke free,

And avidly ran upon her sweet-scented lea

Where loveliness unmatched, had laid her florid skirt

And embraced my soul in a boundless field of mirth

(To be continued…)

This is written in iambic hexameter. (Rhymed couplets)

Answer 1

There are what I perceive to be some problems with this piece as constructed: some of your lines do not have the 12 syllables (e.g., L3) that would be required for iambic hexameter (nor are the metrical feet exclusively iambs); "her complexion lewd" and "avid" are strange phrasal choices within the broad context of this poem.  I am unfamiliar with this particular mythological/ folkloric tradition (but not so ones like it), so I am unprepared to say whether you have faithfully reproduced the sense of it as far as you have gone (of course, you do have the artistic freedom to embellish it, though perhaps not to disregard it altogether).  You have created a vivid personification of Nature not unlike that of the Romantic poets, but remember always to create metaphors in the service of meaning.  Best wishes.  

Answer 2

You have some good images, and your use of language shows creativity and depth.  However, some of your rhymes are a bit contrived...rhymes need to sound accidental, otherwise, especially with couplets, they'll come off as a deliberate positioning of words to allow the rhyme to work...and that is what I mean by "contrived".

The first example would be your second line, which ends in "morning bright"...yes, historically some poets have used that word order, but it is not how you would say it "today"...in other words, the phrasing is archaic and not in keeping with the rest of the poem, ergo, contrived to allow the rhyme to work.  You could reverse the rhymed words to make it sound a little more natural, like this:

When the golden sun let open its stream so bright

and watered the azure leas with its morning light

"morning light" is a modern phrase, "morning bright" is not, and although this is not the only way to edit these two lines, I hope it provides an example of what I mean.

Also watch "complexion lewd"...it's an awkward word pair because one doesn't normally consider a "complexion" as being lewd...so make sure the word wasn't forced into place just to satisfy the rhyme.  The other issue is consistancy of meter and beats...on the whole it's not bad, but you do change up a few times and miss a beat here and there.  Just be careful and let your ear tell you where it might falter.  It often helps to have someone who's never seen the poem read it out loud to you so you can hear how others "read" your poem...you can't do this by yourself because your mind will trick you into believing it's one thing when it's actually another.  Finally, drop the comma in the second to last line, or add another before "unmatched".

On the positive side, you've used some really good images and word choices.  Qavnus, Luqrea, avidly, florid, mirth, azure, leas, sheen, chided...all good.

...edit, and keep writing.

Answer 3

oh common, I've started in medias res. Maenis is a half-human half-hero and Luqrea is a goddess. In the language I've constructed, Luqrea means "beauty's child".  

Answer 4

That was good! I like the choice of words! continue the good work!!!

Answer 5

I have to say: I'm not getting it. I don't know what a lea is or who Maenis is. I tried looking them up, but didn't find anything helpful.

Is Maenis that guy on gamespot who hasn't done anything since registering?