Question:

I've written a poem! What do you think?

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I write this poem a while back. It sounds weird when i say it like this, but it's about two elderly lesbians. One of them is in hospital and the other one is speaking to her by her bed, remembering a special time they shared. Any suggestions, ideas, criticisms are welcome, no matter how cruel lol :]

There was sunshine, remember?

Cherry lips on a saint

Deep rhythms

Pumping. I could feel it. The pumping.

Smiling sunflowers and daisies

Even too disruptive. Wind blowing, breaking their backs

So awkward

Making them

Disappear.

Do you remember?

There was sunshine

And your essence glowed white

A pinch would puncture the tranquility

You smoothed the skin. Unbelievable.

Your eyes kept locked shut to our sacrilege

Silent expression

So blooming

Yet the moment could not be more embraced

You do no wrong.

[You pressed smoothly across my peach lips

Gave me your cherry kiss

Our fruit ensemble

Hair intertwined, tornado twirls

Nothing but everything captured it.

It

Was only we.

Piano keys and bumble bee’s

There was a willow tree and

Crimson and golden leaves.

An emerald blanket for we

Perhaps. ]

Do you remember?

You were my sunshine

Warming me

Nothing happened practically

But oceans roared

Thunders clapped

Fireworks. Scream. Collapse

In me

We laid dead in the moment

With alive smiles

So close, lips brushing, swaying

This was our silver epiphany

Do you remember?

My heart feels suicidal

The sunflowers and daises lay unthreatened from our perfection

It’s the monotonous beeping, piercing the emotion

It’s the monotonous whites, ripping colour from our practice

Peaches weeping at fractures

Cherries bleeding instead

Just a fruit bowl by a hospital bed

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8 ANSWERS


  1. wow that was really good! and moving i really liked it

    no criticism


  2. that was beautiful! I really no suggestions or anything. keep it the way it is.  

  3. That is really good. The words fit really well with the rhythm. I struggle so much to write poetry. I'm impressed with what you've done, I like it.  

  4. it 's wonderful

  5. Wonderful, wonderful, gosh it must be great to be a poetic genius.

  6. Very uplifting.

  7. very good poem and beautiful


  8. It doesn't matter if it is directed to a member of the same s*x, or to a family member, or to a pet rabbit - love is love. It is what creates life, and what sustains life. This poem ennobles the love of one human being for another and gives it dignity.

           The last stanza is particularly moving.

      

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