I NEED Advice on a living situation!!?

Question

Ok here it goes. This is a detailed story but I need help making a good decision and I'm hoping that an outside opinion will help!

I am currently living with a girl I met four years ago at an old job. We became friends and would hang out on a regular basis. Her roommate got engaged and mine went back to school in another sate. So I thought that we would make good roommates. We moved in together and things are going ok for the most part. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriends apartment and I go home at least one weekend a month to visit my family. I thought she would enjoy the alone time. I let her know in advance that I am typically very busy and work a lot. We live in a small two bedroom apartment and I try not to bring groups of people home out of respect for her and her space. I sometimes have my boyfriend over but very rarely.

Things were going well until she made some new friends at work... They are terrible! She brought a group of people home at nearly 4am on a night when I had to work the next day. They were drunk and super loud. I tired to tolerate it but I had to sleep so I went into our common area and asked them if they minded being a little more quiet so that I could sleep. They freaked out and started cussing me out and telling that I was rude for even asking something like that of them. Then they, one girl in particular, started really going at it with me. She is a bigger girl and was getting in my face and screaming at me in my own apartment! I had to leave because after I went in my room they started talking really badly about me and I can hear everything in that apartment.

The next day my roommate sort of apologized but she tried to act like it was my fault. I told her that I couldn't live like that and I certainly couldn't live with the lack of respect she had for me and my living space. We smoothed things over but I will never forget how rude and awful she was to me. I have never been treated like that before by her. I still haven't completely gotten over it but we contiued living together and things are going ok...but the girl who was super rude to me keeps asking to come over and I just can't stand her. I don't want to be any where around her. I told my roommate at the time of the "incident" that I don't mind her having guests, it her place too, but just not at 4am and I asked if she could please not bring over that one girl who was so rude and nasty to me in my own home. Now I never know what to expect when I come home. I never know if I'm going to come home to a house party of people I can't stand or what. It's stressful and uncomfortable so I'm debating moving in my boyfriend....

This brings me to the second part of my story. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic of a little over two years and we have had our ups and downs. Thing are great for a while then we get into fights and he is terrible. He has a tendency to be selfish and immature at times. It is really hard for me to look over these things and I wonder if he is really "the one". I feel like it is just something you should know! I do a lot of the work in the relationship. For instance, I always have to go see him and stay at his apartment. He refuses to ever come see me at mine. He constatnly wants to have his way and at times when he is stressed he can be really mean. I know every relationship has its obstacles and we do tend to get along most of the time so I have been sticking with it.

Anyway,he had the grand idea of moving in together since I wasn't thrilled with my living situation. I thought about it but I'm the kind of girl who wants to at least be engaged before I move in with my boyfriend. We have talked about marriage but that is it. We have known each other for years but have only been dating since he has been sober. His first excuse was: I want to buy you an amazing ring so I'm saving money. Then his second excuse was: I think we should live together to make sure we can before we get engaged. Now I'm stuck. My parents would prefer I was at least engaged. My Mother thinks I should hold out for some committment and says that if he was serious he would just propose. My Dad considers this plan "shacking up" and isn't too fond of the idea but they know I'm not comfortable in my current living situation. My boyfirend has also said he just wants me to move in so his expenses are cheaper...I feel like we aren't doing it for the right reason and he also preasured me just a little. He told me if we didn't move in we might as well break up...which I thought was rediculous. I also told him that I want an apartment but he says that he wants a pricier townhome or to rent a house... the bad thing is he puts everything off and will wait until the last second. It seriously stresses me out not knowing where I might be moving. I also don't think it is fair for him to move somewhere more expensive than both of our apartments now and to expect me to pay more. I feel like I am getting nothing out of him except more

Answer 1

1.  you need to have a clear cut understanding on house rules,

whether you let the 1 stay, or kick her out

2. your bf is a recovering alcoholic, still no excuse for poor behavior especially towards the 1 he loves,  find another that is healthy

you're looking to get out of your current living siuation, that is clear,

decide if you want something smaller and more affordable, so you can live alone,

or if you want kick her out, and find another roomy

Answer 2

Sounds like sound advice from your parents. Not sure how old you are so it makes it a little more difficult.  Living with your boyfriend won't get you married if that is your ultimate goal. You may think so but why would he marry you if he already has you around all the time? Sure "test it out" sounds logical but statistically speaking living together doesn't get women married.  

Do some soul searching and see if you want to marry this guy. That's why you're dating him right? Sounds like he may want to take a step back and see what he wants.  Good luck to you!

Answer 3

I would say that it is time to look for your own apartment. You have every right to be upset at your roommate for having noisy people over. Especially after you have tried to be so considerate to her and her needs. It sounds to me like you have talked to your roommate and she is unwilling to compromise with you at all. And someone who is a guest in YOUR house should have never treated you like that. How would your roommate have felt if one of your friends had treated her like that?

Your boyfriend sounds very self fish. I think that now would be a good time to evaluate your finances, and see if you can live on your own. Compromising your needs to make your boyfriends expenses cheaper are not going to cut it. Does he plan on supporting you with all the money that he would be saving? Your mother is right if he was serious he would make a commitment, more than just asking you to live with him. And what would happen if you move in with him and things get worse. Who ends up moving out? You or him?  

Answer 4

Is there another friend you can room with? Or if you are in a city that has craigslist then they place to find apts and roommates. It doesnt seem as though either option you have given is a good one. I would either live on your own if possible or with another person other than these two. I wish you luck.  

Answer 5

Sounds like you'd simply be swapping one set of bad circumstances for another.  It also sounds like your boyfriend is trying to seize an opportunity to cut his expenses, get free s*x and upgrade his living conditions all at the same time.  Maintaining a loving relationship isn't never easy, but it shouldn't be this difficult for either party.  Personally, I'd bow out of the relationship with this guy.  It's not a healthy one.

Trust your instincts.

Don't limit your choices to just the two options you've presented here.  They may be the only ones in focus, but there are others.  Talk to people.  Ask around.  Perhaps rent a room with an elderly couple.

Can you temporarily move in with your parents?  They sound like wonderfully caring, stable and supportive people.  

What about seeking out another roommate?    

Anything is better that what you've got now.

Answer 6

Are you having s*x with your boyfriend?  If you are then I don't see the need to play that whole virginal "can't shack up" game.

Rent a studio apartment by yourself.  

Answer 7

What you need to do is move out on your own, away from pyscho roomie and her friends. The problems with roomies, is you're never sure what to expect, unless they're really good friends. You shouldn't have to tolerate rude guests and individuals who can potentially become violent. That person has no right in your house...periond. As for your boyfriend, he needs to get his sh*t together. Don't move in with him because it will lead to heartache. You need to find yourself and redevelop who you are without the attachment of a man who hasn't figured out what he wants. And even if you have a roomate, there are boundaries, of which she does not respect. If you're working early the next morning and you ask for peace and quiet, that roomate needs to repsect your space. It's disrepsectful and inappropriate for her to allow those peple to verbally attack you. Find your own inner sanctum.

Answer 8

yeah, he's not being a good listener. But he doesn't have to be if you allow him to convince you.  It sounds like he's not very stable and you are.  You know what you want and you think ahead and plan for it.  He isn't doing that.  

It is like he's dangling a carrot in front of you, but you're not seeing that the carrot is plastic.  Don't move in with him.  Don't enter into a financial relationship with someone who doesn't plan life the way you do or you will not only be disappointed, you'll also be broke.

Even if he does propose, is he the very best man you can imagine?  If not, then free yourself up to be available to the man who is.

Good luck.  You're right to be wary.

Answer 9

I would suggest that you don't move in together until you both know that you can agree on things and he can give more to the relationship and knowing that having things both your way and his together is what makes a relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, the good times and the bad times, but a relationship is a 50/50 commitment. I think your working to hard at making this relationship work and hes not working hard enough. I would either stay with your roommate, and work things out with her and give your relationship with your bf more time. Don't move in with each other until your ready.. He might be ready, but if your not and you do move it, it might be something that will make you unhappy and something you might regret. Think about what would happen if things didn't work out between you two and you had to move out, and your roommate has already replaced you, where would you go? Stay where your at, work on working things out with your roommate, and work on your relationship with your bf, make positively sure he is "the one for you". Think about your future and what will happen if things don't work out the way you plan or the way  you want them to. Good Luck

Answer 10

ugh, i was in a situation like that with my old roommates, its horrible!  im sorry you have to go through it.

i am able to afford living on my own (i just lived with roommates because i like saving money), but if you can afford it live alone.  if you cant afford that maybe find someone else to live with?  or maybe you could rent a room in a house?  

i do agree with your parents on living with your boyfriend too.  and if you dont feel comfortable living with him without a ring on your finger (lol), dont do it.

good luck!