I NEED a joke, BEST ONE GETS 10 POINTS?

Question

i realy want some new material so joke away

Answer 1

How is a womens period and a pay check the same?

It comes once a month.

It only lasts about 4 day

and

If it doesn't come your screwed.

=]

Answer 2

a jewish lady walks into a supermarket.

she asks the clerk: do you have any nuts?

he says: no

She asks: do you have any dates?

He says: If i had nuts, i'd have DATES!

Answer 3

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Answer 4

A nurse who worked at a mental institution was checking on her patients.  She walked into the first patients room and he was kicking at the the ground.  She asked what he was doing, and he replyed, "When i get out of here I'm going to be a famous soccer player."  She then procceded to her next patient, who was pretending to hit a ball, and she again asked him what he was doing, and he replied, "When I get out of here, I'm going to be a baseball player."  She then went to her last patient, who was jerking off with a handful of nuts.  The nurse was shocked and asked the patient what are you doing,  his reply- "I'm F***ing nuts, and I'm never getting out of here!"  

:) hope you like it!

Answer 5

i have a couple of jokes try these~~!!

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a*****e! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

joke2

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke3

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby girl.

"Congratulations!' says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby girl and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name her..."

Are you ready for this?

sum ting wong~~!!!

joke4

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"d**n!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks through the bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up.

Answer 6

yo mamas so ugly she made onions cry

Answer 7

There was this guy who lived in my home town whose wife liked to save money by making all their own clothes on her sewing machine, so she made some trousers for her husband out of calico and because she didn't want to go to the trouble of putting in anything complicated like a fly, or belt loops, she just made them all one piece, then added an elastic band.

He liked to hang around this one shopping mall in Lima called "West gate", where some little kid walked up to him once and asked if he was "Bobo the Clown", (a local TV icon in my town)

(How would you react, huh? I don't know if he ever wore those pants again, that's for sure)

Answer 8

There were these 3 guys walking through a forest. They got captured by Native Americans, and the chief Native American said to them, "Go get 10 of one fruit and bring it back to me." So the first guy came back with apples, and the Chief Native American said to him "shove them up your butt without showing any facial expressions or emotions or I will boil and eat you." After the 5th one, he cried, so he was boiled and eaten. The second guy came back with cherries, and the Chief Native American said to him "shove them up your butt without showing any facial expressions or emotions or I will boil and eat you." After the 9th one, he burst out laughing, so he was boiled and eaten. Now the 1st guy and 2nd guy are both in heaven, and the 1st guy said to the second guy, "Why did you burst out laughing? you could of saved your life." And the 2nd guy answers, "I saw the 3rd guy coming with pineapples."

Answer 9

A lady goes on the bus with her baby. The guy sitting next to her says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The lady goes stomping to the back of the bus. She tells the guy next to her "That man just insulted me."

Then the guy next to her says "Oh, you better go tell him off. Here I'll hold your monkey."

Answer 10

1.what did one saggy boob say to the other?

we better perk up b4 people think were nuts!

Hey do u work 4 UPS??

kuz i noticed u looking @ my package{funny pik up line}

hope u liked them

Answer 11

TWO FISH IN A TANK ONE SAYS

YOU DRIVE IM ON THE GUN

Answer 12

A doctor calls up a man and says "I have bad news and I have worse news." Man says "What's the the bad news?" "You only have twenty-four hours to live." "And what's the worse news?" "I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday."

A husband and wife are sitting in bed. The husband has been worried for some time because the youngest of their six children looks nothing likes his siblings and the husband is suspicious of wife. He asks, "Does our youngest have a different father than the rest?" The wife sadly nods. Husband says, "Who is it? I promise I won't get mad. Who's our youngest's father?" The wife slowly says, "Honey...he's yours."

Rabbit and Bear hate each other. One day when Bear is chasing Rabbit, they come across a magic genie. Each is given three wishes. Bear wishes that every bear in the forest were female. Rabbit wishes for a helmet. Bear wishes every other bear in the country were female. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Bear wishes every other bear in the WORLD were female. Rabbits wishes Bear were g*y.

A man goes to Victoria's Secret and buys a very fine, expensive lingerie. He brings it home and tells his wife to change into. She sees the price tag and thinks, "This is so thin and his eye sight is so bad, I should just walk out there naked and he wouldn't know. Then I can return this and keep the money." So she walks out of the room, naked and poses for her husband. He takes one look and says, "For the price I paid, the least they could have done was ironed it."

A boy is supposed to tell his class a story that has a moral. So he tells about this story-"When my Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm, she was flying over enemy territory. Her plane was shot down and as it fell, she drank an entire bottle of whiskey. She landed and was surrounded by 100 enemy soldiers. She killed 50 of them with her machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then killed the rest with her bare hands." The teacher asks, horrified, "What's the moral of that story?" Boy answers, "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A pilot is taking his wife flying for the first time. She looks around the cockpit in amazement. She asks, "Do you really know what every button and dial and switch in here does?" The pilot nods and says, "Every single one." The wife gives him a look and says, "And I'm supposed to believe you can't work the dishwasher?"