I Need Help...(Female Only)?

Question

I have been with my Fiancee for around 3.5 years. During the relationship I would "lie" or bend the truth when I told her some things. Mind you they were not serious... but still the fact remains that I have lied to her and EVERY time she finds out. I dont know why I do it but like one time I went to the zoo without her and she was dissapointed that she wasnt with me so I told her we only looked at the monkeys and nothing else... and that we should go up together and see the rest of the animals. But in reality we went around the whole zoo.

Like I said I dont know why I do or (did) it but recently she told me she wanted to go on a break... and come to find out... it was because she was having a hard time trusting me and always thinking that I was doing something behind her back that she wouldnt approve of. During the break I changed and realized that I need to stop this stupidness if I want to keep her and I am ready to change but she doesnt believe a word that I say even now that I am telling the complete truth.

I was just wondering if any of you have had a similar experience with your b/f and any suggestions on how to get her trust back. I realize the HUGE mistake that I have been making and I am correcting it. I just need some way to show her this. Any help would be great. Thanks alot!

Answer 1

Your fiance needs to understand that you don't have to take her everywhere you go. Maybe your scared of her reaction? Regardless, you don't need to lie. If she gets upset over something, then she'll get over it as long as its not something big. Start telling the truth. Its much easier when you realize that you don't need to make up another lie to cover up the first one.

Apologize to her and start telling the truth.

Answer 2

ooooo...

my now - almost husband - was very nearly not so because of similar issues i.e trust.

Seriously we had some massive ups and downs (also a few hysterical crazy fights) for a few years and every time a fight got that bad I would remind him of the times he had betrayed my trust and obviously things got worse for awhile, I didn't want to keep bringing it up but trust is one of those funny things that is either ruined forever or takes a V long long time of complete transparency to rebuild.

Also my man sometimes answers a question cryptically or with another question or using deflection without even meaning it, it still pisses me off I have to ask directly to get a direct answer but at least I get the truth.

Sorry but no quick fixes available for this one, either deal with the repercussions of destroying the trust and rebuild or walk away.

Answer 3

keep it cool.

if you needed to lie about something very stupid like you've just seen the monkeys... that is not  related only with you. There is something she makes as well. So, if you have lied before, just tell her that it was to make her feel secure/happy etc. However from now on you won't lie on stupid stuff, because you cannot live with someone who is upset when you see the whole zoo.

Everyone needs a space.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Yeah, it kinda hard.

But you it is kinda understandable that she's losing her trust in you. My fiance does this thing, he'll do something knowing that it will really make me angry, then somewhere in the back of his head something will l**k and say na she won't mind or she'll get over it. Last time was when he ate my afternoon tea while i was taking the dog for a walk. He was with his friend and thought it would be funny. I mean its a small thing but in the end he still does it and it really hurts.

It was probably really hard for your partner to decide on a break, i told him that if he does it again its over or we're at lest having a break but i don't think i can do it.

But yeah all you have to do is really talk to her, tell her you realized what you did wasn't right. You probably think you can just stop doing it but you will probably do it again without realizing it or hoping she wont find out this time. But yeah do everything you can to get her to forgive you, i mean get her flowers and the whole shebang, you to seduce her all over again, like as if you were starting from zero. Let her know that she matters the world to you. Then its really up to her.  

Answer 5

I reckon you better show her this question. Read it - you've just confided in us. I think she needs to hear you confide in her now. Trust me, let her read it. Especially the part 'During the break I changed and realized that I need to stop this stupidness if I want to keep her and I am ready to change but she doesn't believe a word that I say even now that I am telling the complete truth.'

Good luck.  

Answer 6

You're just going to have to get used to not lying so much - even if they are little lies. Just ask yourself "What am I gaining by lying to the woman I love?" Mostly you lose her trust, but making a conscious effort to stop yourself is the first step. Let her know you are working hard on it too.  

Answer 7

you need to show her that your not goin to lie anymore and really mean it

TRUST is the key to every relationship you will get the trust back but you just gotta prove yourself it probably will take a little while but just dont give up k

just remember no more lying mate it doesnt get you anywhere it just pishes ppl away

cheers mate good luck

Answer 8

This is actually a mental condition. There are chronic liars in the world who don't want to lie, but whatever they say comes out as one. Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist about you lying all the time, why you do so, and how to change it. Then you could tell your girlfriend that you are trying to get help for it, and tell her about going to the psychiatrist. Don't forget to tell her how much you love her and that you are sorry for hurting her through your lies. Then maybe she'll she that you are serious and will forgive you or work with you in getting help.

Answer 9

Well the way I see it the only thing you can do is give it time, and prove to her over and over that you are telling the truth.  It will take time for her to slowly give you that trust back, because trust is a hard thing to rebuild once it has been broken.  All you can do know is continue to be honest, and hope that she will see it.

Answer 10

You need to tell her everything, and allow her to ask any questions that she has.  Even if it becomes really annoying.. let her ask away.  Bring home little proofs of your story (receipt, bag, etc).  I think you were lying to try to make her feel better, but in the end it made her feel worse.  There is nothing wrong if you went to the zoo without her, but let her know it wasn't the same without her and you look forward going back at a time you can both go.

It will take time for her to trust you again, the problem didn't just happen over night.  Be patient, and things will hopefully come around.

Answer 11

Sorry to tell you that once you lie, and especially if you lie over and over again, to someone, it's impossible to regain their trust.

Telling her (and us) that you simply don't know why you do it sounds like a cop-out. I think you know why you lie, you just won't admit it - only once you've addressed that problem can you hope to have a mature and honest relationship with someone. Good luck!

Answer 12

Stop lying to her.  There is no other way and apologize tell her you've changed.  It may take a while for her to trust you again so just give it time.  Let her know you understand that she needs time to gain back her trust for you and tell her you'll be right there with her the whole time.

Answer 13

Truth is, you're blown it in a big way. A lie is a lie. And trust isn't something that is handed out at will. Trust has to be earned. Unfortunately we can spend a lifetime building our reputation and ruin it with one lie.

So the truth is: You, sir, are a liar. It will take forever for her to ever believe you. In the back of her mind will be the constant question of whether or not what you're saying is actually the real story. You need to work on your problem by yourself. You've hurt her enough. Then when you have yourself under control, find a woman you haven't hurt so deeply. And don't lie to her!!!  I doubt you have any chance with your ex. She's a wise & strong woman to break it off before she's stuck with such a man. But if you want to change, then you can. You just probably ruined this one beyond repair!

Answer 14

ha.. Must be the name. My boyfriend (named Jason) lies ---constantly. Sometimes small, sometimes big. For a while he lied about having a couple kids (before we were dating), now he's got 2 real ones with his ex and the other kids disappeared...he told me he had dinner at the white house with George Bush, lied about the number of people he's slept with, etc etc etc. I confronted him on his lying and he admitted to it and said he'd change..things got better because I thought he was being more honest, until one day I got a call from his best friend telling me a bunch of stuff I didnt know. I confronted him on it as best as I could (because his friend made me promise not to tell my boyfriend what we had talked about, so I had to do it in a round-about way).. I told him it broke my heart that I felt like I couldnt trust him, and that if he cared about me ---at all-- he'd stop lying, because if I cant trust him with little things, how can I trust him with my heart? He took that seriously and has since stopped lying (for the most part).. He still slips up and tells me lies from time to time but he's trying, and Im trying to forgive him because despite his lies, i still love him. The only way to show her that she can trust you, is to be trust worthy. No more lies no matter how big or small. Even though I'd take the zoo thing over some of the lies I was told by my boyfriend.

Answer 15

Show her that you're serious about changing - even if you want to change it's going to be hard. Go and get professional help (life coaching, counselling, etc) to make this last.

And don't push your fiancee. Remember, one part of turning over a new leaf is accepting that you made mistakes before and taking responsibility for them. She has reason to not trust you, and only time will improve that.

Answer 16

there is no quick fix for this, the only thing you can do is be a completely open book for her. be where you say you will be, do what you say you will do when you say you'll do it and be prepared to answer any questions she has about anything at any time. the only thing you can do is prove to her that you arent going anywhere and that you have changed, and this is going to take time, everytime you lied to her and promised you wouldnt do it again you not only broke her trust in you, but her trust in herself and her self respect, its going to take time for her to feel safe again, you need to let her know that you are in it for the long haul and are waiting to show her when shes ready. it might be too late, i hope its not, so good luck

Answer 17

I have been with my boyfriend for close to 3 years.  I met him when I was 18 and he was 26...he was also getting out of a marriage that had only lasted 2 years.  I was okay with it because I knew he ultimately wanted to be with me.  The divorce eventually was settled and we started living together after I graduated high school.  A few months down the road, I started feeling like he was keeping things from me.  When he was in the shower, I would look through his text messages and phone calls and I would ALWAYS find things that would upset me...you know, him calling and texting his friends that were girls...but he would be really flirtatious with them.  It bothered me and I always told him that it wasn't fair to me, and he claimed he would stop.

Our situation becomes more similar because about a year and a half into our relationship, he decided to take a weekend away and go visit his best friend who lives an hour away from us.  I was cool with it...because I trusted him.  However, as the night went on he turned off his cell phone and I could not reach him.  I knew that he had been talking to a different friend of his on and off all day...so I proceeded to call her and see if she knew what he was doing.  Come to find out, my boyfriend and his best friend went to a different state, got a hotel room, and didn't think it was a good idea to let me know about it.

I was really furious the rest of the weekend...and he was mad because I found out about his weekend getaway.  He claims nothing happened, and he swears that I know the whole truth about what happened...but since he lied about where he was, I still have a really hard time trusting him.  Is he talking to other girls?  Is he really where he says he is?  I don't know...but he has gotten more open with me and I do believe him more.

Trust is a really hard thing for a girl to gain back...especially if it has been broken before.  If you guys are engaged, i'm sure she is thinking..."how honest is my future husband?  I need to know for sure."  

You are right to want to change for her.  Little white lies can really damage a relationship.  If my boyfriend would have said, "baby...I am going out of town.  This is where I am staying in case you need me," then I would have never had a problem.  But the fact that he didn't want me to know about it really broke me down.

It is going to take time for her to trust you again.  No one wants to get hurt or cheated on, and that is definately what she is scared of.  

My word of advice for you is to always be open with her!  If she asks you where you are, don't beat around the bush...give an upfront answer.  If she asks who you are with, tell her exactly who you are with...don't leave anyone out because she may not like them or something.  Be completely honest, and frankly, don't do anything that will cause her to not trust you even more.  It is going to take some time, but when she realizes that you love her and you want to ultimately make her happy, she will come around.

Good luck!

Answer 18

I have had this problem before but this is a tale of the boy who cried wolf. Every guy says "Ive changed!" and very few of them actually do! Since you lied to her so much, she will have a serious time trusting you...EVER. Give her space and when she is ready she will talk. Inteh future, be honest, even if it gets you in trouble. Once you lose someone';s trust, its VERY difficult to get it back again.  

Answer 19

If i were you, you will have to tell her to observe you even if for just a week.. I know she will listen to you.. If not, you tell her,if you  proved it to her, you will go on a date.. (a romantic one)..

Hope this can Help you..

Answer 20

You need to see a doctor and explain all this.  

Answer 21

When you lie,  even it is a small lie,  it is still a lie.  Always tell the truth in everything and stop lying.  Action speaks louder than words.  Prove it to your girlfriend first.

Answer 22

you shouldn't be surprised if you took ANOTHER girl to the zoo

Answer 23

I've had this happpen, but with more serious lies. I do understand where she's coming from though. She wants to feel secure that the words you speak to her are the truth and nothing else. It's very hard to sit there and listen to someone you love speak to you and have questions in the back of your mind as to whether or not they're being truthful with you. It hurts.

Earning her trust back will take time. There isn't a quick fix for this. The first (and most obvious) thing is to always tell her the truth, no matter what it is. She may get angry at the little things in the short term, but it's a far less powerful anger than if she finds out later. So always tell her the truth, even if you think she's going to blow up at you. It doesn't matter how small the lie is, because if she finds out you lied about something small and insignificant, her mind will immediately go to, "well, what else is he lying to me about?"

It's also important that you excersize patience with her. Understand that it's not an easy process and will take a bit of time. Try your best to help her through. If you two love each other and truly want to make this work, you have to really put your effort into this.

Best of luck.

Answer 24

Why are you asking us this? The only person that is going to give you the right answer you need is your fiancee her self. ask her " what do you want me to do to have you trust me again, like you once did" she is the only person who is going to give you the answer that you truly need.  

Answer 25

Video a s**y chick lap dancing you naked. Show her the lap dancer trying to become sexual with you and you refusing. Show her the recording and that will get her trust back

Answer 26

don't lie anymore. that's all you have to do.

Answer 27

I'm kind of a black and white person and a lie is a lie there are no little ones and big ones. And if you lied about one thing you will lie about anything.

Stop lying.

Answer 28

Ok i use to do the same thing to my boyfriend (of 2 years) it got to a point when we went on a broke up for a couple of months he said he couldn't trust me over the months we were broken up i tried to work out why i lied to him if i was going shopping or that i hadn't gone to work. I rang him about 2 moths after the split and said we needed to talk things through. During the conversation we agreed that without trust theres nothing in a relationship to build on.I promised him if he gave me one more chance I'd change i would lie over silly little things. Luckily he gave me that chance and I've proved to him that i can be trustworthy. We are now engaged and will hopefully wed this November. Good Luck I hope your fiancee give you a second chance after all we all deserve a second chance to prove ourselves. Good Luck Again Hope This Helps.  

Answer 29

This is very confusing.

You seem confused, what is it that you need to stop doing to make it right? why did you do it in the first place? Can you stop this in future? Is there and issue you need to work out within yourself first?

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Answer 30

You said you went to the zoo without her but you said WE.  Well, who was the other person in WE?  My guess is that you are two timing her and you got caught.  You have to win her trust back and that is not going to be easy or happen overnight. But, I can't imagine why she would want to take back a liar.  

Answer 31

Honesty is a HUGE deal in a relationship so you can't blame the girl for being like this.

I just think ya need to sit her down and talk to her, like you did here.  Tell her how you feel, your thoughts on why you used to do it.  And really focus on building your trust with her.

I know for me, honesty is bigger than you can ever know.  My fiance lied to me once (super small lie) but just the fact he lied just enraged me.  

Ask you if you can prove to her she can trust you.  Completely pour all your effort into proving that to her if this is the woman you plan to marry.

Best of Luck.