I Need Some Help, Heaps Of Questions About Our Adoption Process......???

Question

We are currently trying to adopt our 4yo Godson, who is living with us at the moment.

What sort of things should be addressed in a recommendation letter??

I have heaps of people willing to write on for us, but some are struggling to address what should be written. While I don't want to write it for them, if anyone has pointers I can print out, and give to them, I will love you forever!! lol!!

I have a house inspection on Monday, what will they be looking at??

Also will have someone spending the day with us Wednesday, to check out our living situation, is that normal??

If the parents are on drugs & drunk 24/7, is having their decision to make us guardian's going to be accepted??

With the letter of recommendation, what kind of people are acceptable to write one?? Can you have too many??

Are there only certain people who can write them. I am a silent partner in my workplace, & friends with my *boss* can he write one.

Answer 1

Ok now take a breath you are doing exactly what I was doing when we fostered my adopted little girl

All of this is completely normal for the situation as far as the aunt the judge will not remove him from your home just because she is related, I had several that all of a sudden decided they would intervein and he simply wouldn't have it because she had already bonded with us, and moving a child around is not satifactory.

They will be looking for few things really just that it's a safe envioronment for the child.

As far as a recommendation letter, ours was from the people just like you have had write them, doctors, etc.

Just be what you are a good parent for him and stop worring I know that is easier said than done until this is all over but take comfort in the fact that he is in YOUR HOME NOW that is always a major plus and the bio's are okay with that, this is all in your favor.

Answer 2

The letters just need to convey the writer's opinion of you and your husband as parents of this little boy.  It's not a big deal really.

On someone visiting your home, yes, this is normal.  It's the home study process.

Ask you case worker or social worker how many letters you need.  They should be able to give you an estimate. I believe that most anyone can write them for you.

Answer 3

First of all I would like you to brace yourself and understand that sometimes no matter how wonderful someone is on paper--many and most caseworkers and judges will choose Family over Non-family....

That being said, your position as "GodParents" may imply the wishes of his biological parents...depending on if this is in a casual way--or documented by a Catholic Ceremony which are two very different things.

My next advice is to NOT in any way FEED the words to those who write recommendation letters for you. This can have a way to come back on you as "stirring" the free words of those who know you. In most cases the state will want these letters (or forms) to be mailed directly to them... We let those people we asked know that we wanted them to answer honestly and try to think of those things they knew about us that might indicate we were loving and supportive parents...or that we at least had indications we would be such...

The Home Inspection: will be to see if the home is Safe and Sanitary (not spick-n-span) and that there is living space for the child. They will want to see things such as Fire Safety plans, chemicals stored out of reach and that you don't have 300 dogs in the back yard....or something odd such as that.

We had some issues with our Home Inspection because there was concern that it felt like a Museum--it was just clean and there hadn't been any kiddo's around for a few years....

It is very Normal to come and visit for several hours... this is generally the time when the Adoption Social Worker will ask the very specific questions about all the intamate details of your life... This is the moment in adoption that is like a visit to the gyno and putting your feet in the stirrups....--there can be No Pride during the Interviews... Just be truthful and if something feels as if it is a negative--use that negative to express how it made you a better and stronger person...

Generally there will be at least one interview with both parents at the same time--and a seperate interview with each one of you... and often there will be some follow up calls if the social worker has some reason to need to clarify anything.

The social worker IS your Vioce when the decision is made. This is the person that You want to Know You the best--this person will represent you from this point forward.

We were asked to provide several recommendations I can't recall if it was 5 or 7.... and one or two needed to be from a family member--the rest from unrealted people. The state held the homestudy until the specific number required was submitted to the social worker.... Once they had this number of recommendations any more were not relavent.

One of the number one areas people find surprising is when a home study is rejected due to something a person they chose to use as a recommendation writes or reports. It is important to be sure the people you ask actually do believe you will be a good parent...and do not have a reason to say anything that might indicate otherwise... People are very often surprised that someone they trusted says something that ends the process....

If the parents have speicifcally made a will--or there was a Godparent Ritural this May play as an important factor in the states eyes.... But--always remember that the State has an obligation to Keep Children with their biological families first. In fact, they must provide proof that they have conducted a full check and found No relatives interested or able to be the best placement choice....

Generally a judge will not approve a termination of parental rights--or an adoption without a Relative Search as it is mandated by Federal Law...and Often, the judges and states will discount any claim of Bond and Attachment over the claim of Family Rights....

The interesting thing in your case is the GodParent Factor... I will be interested in knowing how your case ends up.

Answer 4

While I haven't been there- I have experienced this with foster families going from a foster to adopting the children.

-You can have anyone write the letter. I would have as many as possible and pick and choose say: 5 to submit.

-Have them write about the sort of parents you are, what you like to do with your children, how you handle conflicts as a family, and what your parenting "looks like"- to name a few.

-It IS NORMAL for someone to spend the day. Expect them to look in your home for cleanliness- though that is not the only thing they will be looking for. They likely will look into your fridge too. Expect them also to come back.

As far as the biological parents: having them make the decision is going to work in your favor a lot. Will the parents write a letter of recommendation as well to discuss why they want you to be the parents of their child.

Basically, you can have anyone write a letter.

Just be ready for some emotional ups and downs- though it sounds like it is going to be just fine for you all. I sure do hope and pray it is.

Answer 5

Take a deeeeeeeeep breath. Ahhhhh... ok, now then.  I know this is nerve wracking right now.  I can feel your stress coming out of the computer screen.  I promise, it's going to be ok.  I've read your posts before, and I am pulling for you!

I'd have some close friends fill out a recommendation as well.  Our agency wanted reference letters from people who know us personally, and have seen us in our home environment - basically people who know us well enough to know if our home life and personality is conducive for parenting.

Our agency gave us a list of questions for our references to answer.  That was a long time ago, and I don't remember what the questions were.  My best guess would be, they need to talk about whether they feel that you would be good parents, and why; if they feel you have any weaknesses that might get in the way of parenting (and they should be  100%honest); talk a little bit about how they know you, and how close you are (explaining what kind of knowledge they have of your personality, home life, daily activities, hobbies, etc.); whether you have a stable home, and why they feel that way.  Those are the only ones my hubby and I could think of off the top of our heads, but that should be a good start.

The home inspection should be just making sure you have enough room for the child, and making sure your home is safe (i.e. smoke detectors, no obvious hazards like chain saws in the living room, lol) and things like that.  Your house doesn't have to be spotless, but I freaked out before ours and had my house cleaner than it has EVER been, lol!

I've never heard of anyone staying with you for a whole day, but requirements are different state by state, and this might be necessary to help prove your case against the aunt (??).

I don't know if you can have too many people write letters of recommendation or not.  I think we had four.  We were given the exact number of papers they wanted to get back, and the papers had all the questions on them.  I would think the boss would be a great person to write a reference for you.

I wish you luck!  Keep taking those deep breaths!  You're going to make it through this!