I adopted a 6 year old boy a few months back, it's not working out. What are my rights, can I return him?

Question

Can I return him back to the system, or find another adoptive parent for him? It's nothing like I thought it would be, and I just can't get used to having him. Please help.

Answer 1

It sounds like this is beyond just having a bad day or a difficult phase so PLEASE PLEASE contact your case worker, minister, or a family member ASAP and let them know how you are feeling.  

Remember you care enough to reach out for help here so please continue to care and tell someone right away what is going on.

Everyone, lets take this poster seriously - just in case it is - and think of the child.

Answer 2

this looks fake as h**l.

if it is at all true you are a douche.

Answer 3

Take a breath........in..............out..... repeat......in.........out......

I know that adoption is a complicated experience. The money,the time and the effort of trying to be that best mommy you can. Even though the child is not making your life easy, you should go and mabey to a counsler to know how to help.

Here are some information about child rights:

The following information regarding the termination of parental rights is adapted from a 2004 article by the National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect.

Every State, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. Territories have statutes providing for the termination of parental rights. Termination of parental rights ends the legal parent-child relationship. Once the relationship has been terminated, the child is legally free to be placed for adoption with the objective of securing a more stable, permanent family environment that can meet the child's long-term parenting needs. Birth parents who wish to place their children for adoption may voluntarily relinquish their rights. When addressing whether parental rights should be terminated involuntarily, most States require that a court:

Determine a parent to be unfit through one or more grounds for termination of the parental relationship

Determine whether severing the parent-child relationship will be in the child's best interest



Grounds for Termination of Parental Rights

The grounds for termination of parental rights are intended to capture specific circumstances that make it clear that the child cannot safely be returned home because of risk of harm presented by the parent or the inability of the parent to provide for the child's basic needs. Some States spell out factors that constitute grounds for termination of parental rights. Other States use general language. The most common statutory grounds for involuntary termination of parental rights include:

Severe or chronic abuse or neglect

Abuse or neglect of other children in the household

Abandonment

Long-term mental illness or deficiency of the parent(s)

Long-term alcohol- or drug- Induced incapacity of the parent(s)

Failure to support or maintain contact with the child

Involuntary termination of rights of the parent to another child

Another common ground for termination is a felony conviction of the parent(s) for a crime of violence against the child or another family member, or a conviction for any felony when the term of incarceration is such a length of time as to have a negative impact on the child, and the only available provision of care for the child is foster care.

The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) also requires State agencies to seek termination of the parent-child relationship when:

A child has been in foster care for 15 of the most recent 22 months.

A court has determined:

A child to be an abandoned infant

That the parent has committed murder or voluntary manslaughter of another child of the parent; aided, abetted, attempted, conspired, or solicited to commit such a murder or voluntary manslaughter; or committed a felony assault that has resulted in serious bodily injury to the child or another child of the parent

The above factors become grounds for terminating parental rights when reasonable efforts by the State to prevent out-of-home placement or to achieve reunification of the family after placement have failed to correct the conditions and/or parental behaviors that led to State intervention.



Exceptions

Even when there are sufficient grounds for terminating a parent's parental rights, a petition to terminate may not always be required under some circumstances. These circumstances may include:

The child has been placed under the care of a relative.

There is a compelling reason to believe that terminating the parent's rights is not in the best interests of the child.

The parent has not been provided with the services required by the service plan for reunification of the parent with the child



Here is some emotional help:

Many adoptive persons or couples have been involved with infertility and the many physical and psychological problems that are part of the infertility process.  Additionally, the child adoption process itself is the cause of much emotional upheaval for the adopting person(s).



Emotional Impact of Adoption

The emotional impact of adoption is devoted to understanding the medical, developmental, emotional and educational needs of children adopted from hospital, foster care programs, orphanages and institutions throughout the world.  It focuses on the fact that in ever increasing numbers, people who have experienced adoption firsthand are coming forward to talk or write about their adoption experiences, and researchers are conducting scientific studies to find out about the impact of adoption on all members of the adoption triad.  This information examines the impact of child adoption on the adopted person and also examines the emotional impact of adoption on the entire adopting family as they find themselves facing some emotional and developmental issues and concerns that are different than those faced by a child that has been biologically born into the family. For foster families who chose adoption, there are a number of ways to help these children make the emotional transition from being a ward of the State or the Court to being a son or daughter of specific parents.



Selecting a Therapist

The Child Welfare Information Gateway provides tips on selecting an adoption therapist.   Child adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved and counseling with a professional can help with the emotional aspects of both infertility and adoption.  Timely intervention by a professional skilled in adoption issues often can prevent issues common to infertility and adoption from becoming more serious problems that might be more difficult to resolve.

The following is adapted from the above Child Welfare Information Gateway referenced web site.  Child adoption is an event that has a life-long effect on everyone involved.  Adoption brings unique rewards as well as challenges to families, and sometimes families will need or want professional help by a child adoption therapist or child adoption counselor as concerns or problems arise. The type and duration of therapy will vary depending on many variables, including the kinds of problems being addressed. Some families build a relationship with a therapist over years, "checking in" for help as needed. Other families might find they need a therapist's help only once or twice.  Clinicians with infertility and adoption knowledge and experience are best suited to help families identify connections between problems and adoption and to plan effective treatment strategies.

Finding the right therapist can seem like a daunting task, especially when parents may be feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the difficulties for which they are seeking help. Parents should take the time to shop around for a mental health provider who has the experience and expertise required to effectively address their family's needs. At minimum, a therapist must be knowledgeable about infertility, adoption, and the psychological impact of both of these on the family.  The search for a therapist can be complicated by restrictions imposed by insurance companies or health management organizations (HMO's); however, it may still be possible to choose from a list of approved therapists. Check with your insurance company to find out the extent of your coverage for mental health treatment, the specialty areas of approved providers, and the policies regarding referrals to, and payment for, treatment provided by therapists outside the plan.

You may be able to justify using a therapist outside of the network for specialized services if the insurance company does not have providers with the required expertise. Some therapists accept Medicaid reimbursement. The challenge is to locate a therapist who accepts reimbursement and who has experience in infertility and adoption. You may want to contact community child adoption support networks, use the Internet, and/or ask your child adoption agency. Many child adoption agencies have either consulting mental health therapists trained in infertility and adoption on staff or referral resources in the community. To help locate an appropriate therapist, you might want to check your state or local mental health associations, public and private adoption agencies, and local adoptive support groups.  

Keep looking until you find a child adoption counselor or therapist you are comfortable with.  If you need or want some specific personal advice, contact your agency social worker, your pediatrician, clergy, local mental health center, or local family service agency for recommendations of appropriate professionals.  

Go on this website for help:www.adoptionservices.org

Good luck with you and your child and live  and laugh as muchas you can with him!

Answer 4

I think u need an instant help from the social worker or from the agency that helped u before..try to call them I'm sure they will help u..it's hard for the adoptive parents and the child to get along..but there is always a way in everything that is impossible to do..

Answer 5

Do what Ellen did.  Give your baby child to some family you barely know and then cry on national television when things don't go your way.

Answer 6

hi mary i'm sorry to hear about your troubles.  why don't you check to see if you can give him up to another family.  i would love to take him in.  i've wanted a child my whole life and i can't have one.  unfortuantely i'm unable to adopt either.  however i can take custody of a child.  i have in the past.  

please email me so we can talk.

Answer 7

It sounds like that you adopted this child from Foster care.  If that is the case I am not sure why you are getting "beaten up" by the adpotees that promote foster care adoption.  To all those that promote foster care adoption....this is why you shouldn't!!!  Actuallly, who knows perhaps this is a person that wanted to adopt an infant and you all told her to go to foster care and she actually listened to you al and now look what you've done...............you indirectly assisted with the abandonment of this child!  Well I won't say "I told you so."

Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive foster parent of a child that brings with them many issues!.  

Let this question be an example of why there is no ONE right answer for EVERYONE when it comes to adopting a child!  Adopting from foster care is not something that everyone can do mentally, emotionally, and/or physically.  Adopting from foster care is another "animal" (pardon the expression) and comes with different challenges than that of an infant adoption.

Now to answer the questioner with a REAL answer and not one that will ridicule her.  If you adopted from foster care you can go back to the State and ask them for help with preserving this adoption.  This is the RIGHT thing to do for this child.  Unless this child is at risk of harming others or himself, then you really need to figure a way to raise this chid and bond to this child.  Social Services may be able to help you find the resources to do that.  There is plenty of literature, support groups, counseling.

Check to see if your State offers "Post Adoption Preservation Services".  I did a search and found  this for IL...but I didnt look as hard as you need to.  Good luck!

Answer 8

It takes lots of love and lots of work. Go to a counselor, that should help with things. He obviously had a rough life before he met you. Make his life better, let him know that you will always be there for him and he shoudl come around soon. It may take up to a year or so but these things take time. Good luck and congratulations on your new addition!!!!

Answer 9

i can't believe you would even think of returning him. For starters he is adopted now which means he is your child. Step up be a parent. I am adopted and i am sure this little boy is feeling like you dont want him. Just think of all the hard times he has been through and you just want to take him back, just because you can't get used to him. When you signed the papers adopting him you should have thought everything through. By signing those papers you promised to love him and take care of him. I don't even know if you realize the heartache and problems this little boy would go through. because believe me he realizes that you don't want him and all he wants is to be loved. Put yourself in his shoes. be there for him to talk to and be there for him to give a hug too. He needs you get a backbone and realize that you made a commitment and promise that you need to keep.

Answer 10

Thats pathetic . What do you think it will do to this childs mind to know someone who is his adopted mother and is suppose to love him unconditionally wants to return him ?

You should like he is a pair of shoes you bought at Kmart.

Step up to the plate and be the mother you said you would be. Motherhood is hard at times for all of us.

Give it time ... the child is adjusting and testing you to see if you really love him and your proving to him that you dont.

Answer 11

Sounds like a troll, but if not you are a disgusting person.

Next time adopt a pet rock.

Answer 12

Please remember it takes a child a long time to get used to this kind of new situation.

I know everyone will comment that you should have thought about it etc and that is true.But  it is OK to admit that it is not going as you planned.Parenting in real life is never "as you thought it would be".There are days I think I cant tolerate my own kids anymore but it always gets better.

The child is 6.Six can be a difficult age.Please give this child time to adjust.It is probably harder for him then it is for you.

Answer 13

That is very sad you are giving up on him.  You have to remember these kids have been through h**l and, they need someone to love them.  Once they understand you are there for ever no matter what they do they change.  They can be the best thing in your life. I adopted a 6 year old 7 years ago.  It took us a year to get things in order.  Please don't give up on him.  You will regret it and, you will be one more person in his life that gave up on him.........

Answer 14

I am a human services major and i have studied for years about kids in adoption and foster care systems. I totally understand that there are kids out there that have severe anger issues or emotional trauma that you didnt sign up for. There is a reason he was not with his biological family and he is 6 years old- thats a long time to feel unwanted- that doesn't just go away. I believe that most adoption agencies or state services will take him if you truly feel that you can not take care of him, especially if your not wanting him could cause more problems with him mentally. I would call your social worker right away (as you should have been assigned one) and talk to them honestly about what you are feeling because they may be able to get you into a support group or, if you feel it necessary, they should be able to help you find other living arrangements for him.

With that being said, adopting a child is not something that should be taken lightly. It is a serious, life long commitment, even more serious than marriage. I understand you can not turn back time and unadopt him, but i would seriously consider maybe going to therapy to help you through this and help you understand why you made such a big step without fully thinking it through. Also, I think it goes without saying that you should probably not consider adoption or foster care in the future.

I hope this helps- best of luck and God Bless!

Answer 15

I was adopted when i was 6 years old. my adopted parents thought about giving me up. but they stuck with me. yeah you can terminate the adoption but it probably wouldn't be the best thing for the kid.

Answer 16

Being a parent is nothing like you thought it would be.

Many people feel that way.  Even those who do not adopt feel that way and they don't stick their kids into the system. That is not an option for most of us.

Get some help.

Get some counseling.

Work it out.

Answer 17

I hope you kept the receipt.

Answer 18

Try couseling for you and the child. At six, he may have baggage. You shouldn't have adopted him if you weren't repared for that. He needs someone who can handle him through good and bad. Try again and be prepared for good days and bad days.

Answer 19

yea if u kept the reciept??!!

RU CRAZY??? THIS IS A CHILD UR TALKING ABOUT NOT A TOY!!! U DONT DESERVE A CHILD

Answer 20

I am sure the child placed with you for a few months or a year before the adoption was totally final....and you didn't know then?

Answer 21

May you should have thought about not being able to handle it before you adopted. I don’t know whether this boy has some issues or if you just cant handle being a parent. Either way you need to grow up you choice to adopt and become a parent, you choose this boy. Of course with your attitude he’s probably better off with someone else anyways. Its just sad who knows how long this little boy has been waiting to be adopted and he ends up with you.

Answer 22

Being and adoptive parent, my advice to you is to "stand" give it another go, it may be uncomfortable right now but it will get better.  You decided to adopt that child for so many different reasons, don't forget them.  One of the most precious things we can give is a family to a child that doesn't have one.  All families go through hard times and regrets, but it will be devastating to the child to be returned back into the system, we learned that in our MAPP classes.  It will make it hard for them to trust and harder for the next set of parents who are willing to give a child a happy home.  Pray about it and see how things turn out, good luck!

Answer 23

maybe you should have thought long and hard about that before you decided to adopt, just like a birth parent, you take the consequences with your actions. If you gave birth would you give him back to the hospital and say i don't want him?

Answer 24

....another forever family through the miracle of adoption.......

Answer 25

i would say you should go to dfs and talk to them, i feel it would be better for the boy, if maybe dfs did find someone else to adopt him!!!  i am sure they would!!   or at least put him in foster care!!!     i don't mean to sound harsh, but a lot of these kids has a rough life, and i am sure he deserves a decent loving life.

Answer 26

He's not a puppy you can just pass along to someone else.  How cruel.  Poor little thing is probably already screwed up and you are just going to make it worse.  

You cannot just "return him".  He is legally YOUR child now, which means you must consult an agency or a lawyer or even the state to have him placed for adoption AGAIN.  I hope they never consider your for so much as a cat after you place him into the system again.  You do not deserve to take care of a living thing.  Not working out.....you gotta be kidding.  It's not working out because you have some elevated expectation of this child and he has problems which you feel do not fit into your "perfect" little child.  Send this poor boy packing and then do not attempt to adopt ever again.  You will just s***w them up if things do not go YOUR way.

Answer 27

Ok  have to say this, wpeople like you make me physically ill. I lost my daughter to adoption and would do anything to be able to turn back the clock and say no to adoption. I also have three other children I am raising. Let me ask you this, Do you think I could just give my children back? I have a son with Asperger Syndrome (autism) do you think I could give him back because he isn't all I thought he would be, or all I thought he should be? No I can't give him back, nor would I if I could! You wanted to be this boys parent, you chose him, guess what it is a life long commitment, one which obviously you were not ready to make. You are in the midst of what if called a "Failed Adoption" do you realize that the damage you are going to do to this child is almost as bad as him losing his natural mother to begin with?

*Deep breathe*

Yes, you can "return" your son, all it takes is putting him in foster care and voluntarily severing your parental rights. I believe that you should do all you can to find his natural family and return him to their care if at all possible. Even if it were a relative and not the childs mother or father. Kinship care is the best choice when the parents are unable to parent. I suggest you hire an attorney and find the boys natural family and do all you can to return him to the best place he could be. With a member of his family capable of raising him and loving him.

Answer 28

What do u mean 'its nothing like you thought it would be'

What is happening.. Is he misbehaving alot.. This is testing you and stuff if he is... This is not only a big adjustment for you... its a big adjustment for him as well.

It does take time to get used to... if you haven't been a parent.. then adopted a 6 year old.  It takes time for you.. and takes time for him to blend your family together.

Make it fun for both of you... take him places.,.... have fun indoor picnic. ... I mean this might help the transition a bit more.  He is at a niceage to be doing soo much fun stuff with.  Go to a zoo... have a dance party...

Turn up the music in the house and dance around...

I mean... this will help with any kind of stress, and might help your two bond.

Parenting isnt all fun and games tho..

THere is work involved in parenting... I don't know how long he has been in the system... or what he has went through with his natural parents..

YOu need to have thought about this before you adopted him.

If you give him back... it will be soo tramatic...

It will really make him feel that he is unlovable.

Answer 29

Please people why are you responding to this troll?

some one who just opened this account some one who has only asked this question twice

its a troll ignore it maybe it will crawl back under its bridge

....shoo little troll go away shoo away little troll

Answer 30

Wow, is this question for real.  Is this a sick joke?

Parenting is the hardest job on the planet and we all have bad days but we don't all go dropping our responsibilities the moment things start to get tough

I'm crying buckets for this innocent young human being.  He deserves so much better

Answer 31

Just another anti-adoption troll trying to stir up trouble. Why don't you pour your self-imposed grief and hatred into a real cause? If you're so anti-adoption, do something about it instead of blasting people on here and writing fake questions.