I adopted my sister...please don't criticise just need serious advice!?

Question

I am 22 with 2 kids of my own and due in june with #3. She will not listen at home or at school. I find myself screaming and being so angry (which is not like me) and I seriously can't handle this any longer. I've had her for almost 2 years and it doesn't change!!! It's affecting my kids...they are acting out like her. I am at my wits end and I feel like I'm lossing a battle. She cries if you make her do her homework, her teachers are fed up say she's immature, they can't get her to do her work in school, they can't get her to stay in her seat she will simply tell the teacher I don't care what you say. It's so frustrating!!! I need help...

Answer 1

Depending on the reason for the adoption, she may be having some mental issues that are ging on. It could also be ADHD/ODD. My sister has that problem and it was very frustrating.

I would sit down and talk to her about it and I would see if couseling would be beneficial.

Good luck, it is nice to see that you took responsibility to keep your family together, I really hope my advice helps you.

Answer 2

im sorry but if i acted like that my dad would whoop my a**. u need 2 set her straight and tell her all that uve done 4 her so she can respect u. and if she keeps doing it then ground her and take away something she likes 2 do. if all else fails well i dont wanna be mean but whoop her a**. oh and look at the way u act towards her 2. u might be being a bit hard on her. look at the situation from her shoes. i dont think therapy works. u just need 2 set her straight and tell her 2 get her **** together. sorry 4 cussing even if it was small, if i offended any1

Answer 3

Can you get the school involved? My kids school has behavior programs and works with kids like this every day. They are in elementary school and it is public school. I would talk to the school counselor and see what programs are out there for her.

I can imagine it is very infuriating for you. I would also try being consistent in one form of punishment, even if you have to go as far as taking everything away from her and stick to it for as long as it takes for her to stop this behavior. Chores are also a great form of punishment.

I wish you the best of luck and commend you for not letting her go into the foster system.

Answer 4

She's acting out because she can. There's no one there to stop her. You don't mention how old she is, which can make a difference.

And I'm not blaming this on you. Its not you're fault and you're doing the very best you can.

I think counseling for both of you would be helpful. Her so she could vent her frustrations and learn how to cope with her feelings. You could use help with suddenly having to be her parent and how to deal with that role. You went from being her sister to her mother. Not an easy transition for either of you.

Good luck!

Answer 5

You don't indicate the ages, but it probably doesn't matter.  Sounds to me like she is suffering from depression. You need to get to the bottom of the problem before you can solve it.

Answer 6

You didn't mention how old your sister is, but if you adopted her, I assume that she has a history of being abused and/or neglected. She may have also been in at least one foster home. This means that she has issues (emotional, behavioral, disclipinary, and possibly physical/medical) that children who you have raised since birth don't have.  At the very least she needs therapy with a counselor who is very experienced with adopted children.  Family therapy (with at least you and your husband if married, and possibly with the other kids) is also essential.  One of the hurdles to overcome when siblings adopt is that the parent is often still looked at as a sibling and therefore not seen as an authority figure. Your young age can also contribute to that.  I really think that therapy is the only thing that will help here. Also, she may need to be placed in Special Education classes in school for her behavioral problems, even if she is capable of doing grade-level work.  Good luck!

Answer 7

I think I can tell why she's acting that way. I mean she's probibly sad/depressed and she might be trying to get the anger out by beahving that way. Obviously I don't think punishing her is really going to help her. She might be feeling like she's not part of your family and wandering why she's not living with her parents like other families do. I actually really feel bad for her. I know you don't have much time but if you really want her to change I think you should guys go to counceling. Also talk to her more instead of punishing her every time she starts acting crazy.

Answer 8

you need to start grounding her and tell her that you will give her to a another family  and she will not see any  family members.

Answer 9

I know you may not be able to afford therapy or anything, but honestly I think that is your best bet in this situation....She is probably acting out because there is something inside that is frustrating her...something she needs to let go of, but being eleven, she probably doesn't know how to overcome it....I really think you should try it......or try to get her to talk to you....

Answer 10

Sorry, you need family counseling, with or without dad.  It's a necessity, like food on the table.

Answer 11

Family counseling may not be an option for you, but she definitely needs some sort of counseling, she needs to talk through what is going on inside of her about the situation to someone that isn't family or anything like that, look into that for her, because the first one obviously didn't work, if it made things worse, you need to speak to another person, these problems just aren't going to go away on their own, something is going on, children don't just throw fits for 7 hours.  She may be suffering from anxiety, and is pushing her limits with you to see how far you'll let her go, perhaps counseling with you and her would be good if you can't get your husband to go.

Answer 12

what u should do is you should give that child "therapy" and i say again "therapy" if that doesnt work out woop her if that dont work lock her in her room if you need my reall advice email me at [e-mail]

Answer 13

she sounds like she needs counseling i dont mean to give you a short answer but all my advice is be tough on her and go to family counseling and when YOUR kids act up you need to ground them or something because that is not acceptable

Answer 14

Well you give limited information but i am doing a masters in mental health counseling it seems that your sister is doing desperate things to call atention.  My guess is that you should bribe her into doing the work and if that does not help talk to a psychologist.  My guess is that social sevices has a profesional that can deal with these problems specifically.

Answer 15

It sounds like you need some help.  You are 22 with 3 kids and one on the way.  That's a LOT to handle.  It also sounds like the 11 year old needs some help...perhaps she has been through a lot?   Maybe at this point of your life, you are not capable of dealing with everything...after all your plate is FULL.

Get her into therapy and get yourself some help at home.

Answer 16

I feel for you so much, and well done for the great job you are doing... I know it can be really tough and there is probably not much I can say that will help you or that others havent already said but if there is one approach you should try, it is this;  No matter how mad she gets or how upset either of you are, never raise your voice or show her that she is affecting you.  If she is chucking a fit, just remember that if she is screaming and crying, although it may sound bad, it is not hurting her at all and even if she starts to vomit, it is still not doing her any damage.  You must stay calm, no matter how hard it seems, take a deep breathe and show her that this behaviour isnt going to get a reaction from you.  Sit her down and tell her (how old is she?) tell her that this behaviour is hurting a lot of people, it is hurting you, her, your kids, people you love, and we dont like hurting people we love... tell her all you want is for her to be happy and there are going to be a few changes with the way you do things with her.

There are really just a few things you MUST do now.  Stay calm at all times, and never yell... Hardest of all you must not give in...  For example if you say it is time to do your homework and she starts playing up, tell her " You can cry all you like, but it is homework time, please go to your room and when you are done let me know".  If she continues be firm and calm and just let her know that you will not be giving in or changing your mind if she screams or carries on, and put her in her room until it is done... As hard as it is stick to your guns and DO NOT back down, all the while staying cool, calm and collected.  Talk to her and tell her she can act out all she likes but it doesnt change the fact that she is not doing anything else till the homework is done.  

Also try and talk to her and get her to open up to you, she has been through a lot and there is underlying issues here which need a counsellor or possibly even a pschychologist.'

You should also see a doctor, she may have a chemical imbalance in the brain which is causing her to be restless and not able to concentrate...  this should be done ASAP, it may not even be her fault she is like this... so see a DR urgently.

With the behavior thing, just stay calm, stick to your decision, NEVER back down or let her get around you... she needs to know you are the boss, but a gentle kind and calm boss you must be.  If you do this, I garentee within a week you will see huge changes in her, provided she doesnt need any medication.

Good luck with it all

Answer 17

I am usually not a advocate for putting a kid on pills just because BUT in this case I'll make an exception. She needs to be on something. Find a good shrink. A GOOD SHRINK and take your sister.. She needs to be the one to see someone. Not you. Maybe in the future, if she calms down, then you can go with her but it sounds like she has ALOT of issues she needs to deal with one on one with a shrink.

Answer 18

Sounds to me like she may have ADD or ADHD. If she can't sit still. She may also be depressed on top of it. I would definitely contact her doctor and see about having her tested. Being this far along you don't need the extra stress. See if your husband can talk to her. Maybe he can put her in her place. Sometimes men do a better job because they are more intimidating.

Answer 19

I am sorry that i can not offer you any advice but i definetly admire you for adopting her at 20, have 2 of your own.  You sound very mature for 22.  Good luck, i hope everything works out in the end for you, and congrats on your new one!