I am 18 and pregnant .. considering adoption...please read details?

Question

Im engaged to be married to someone I have been absolutely head over heals for and been with since we were frechman.. the problem is, we broke up at the beginning of the year last year and i got a new boyfriend.. i am pregant by the otehr guy, but ive been with my finance when i didnt know i was pregnant... we are both completely stressed and heart broken about it... because ther is no way we can break up.. we are So much Happier together... but my finance says he wouldnt be able to handle raising someone else's child.. so we are wanting to give the baby up for adoption after it is born.. and then try to have own own immediatly afterwards.. i dont know how to even feel about this idea... and another problem is.. we want to keep this secret... and it almost feels impossible to do so... but i honestly DO NOT want a child from the other guy..

Answer 1

Your willing to give up YOUR OWN child because your fiance 'cant handle raising someone else's child'? Obviously he doesn't love you as much as he says he does because if he did he would forget about the fact that your pregnant by another man. He should be happy for you that your having a child. What your basically saying is 'oh i don't like this child so I'm going to throw him away and make a new one, hopefully i like the new one'.

Tell the baby's father that your pregnant. Maybe he actually has a brain and will want to keep his child.

People like you make me sick.

Answer 2

well first off congrats on being engaged! have you thought about abortion (ifs it not too late)? if you dont want to keep your child after he/she is born then i say adoption is the way to go. as long as your baby goes to a good home and you dont have regrets about it then do it. please dont keep the baby if you know that your future husband wont love him/her. that wouldnt be good for you or the baby. i dont know how you can keep this a secret, you would probably be albe to get some good advice from your family/friends/who your keeping this from...just try to take it a day at a time and i wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

So whats the question? It sounds like you need to give this baby to a home where both parents will love him/her. The only thing I worry about is you resenting him later on if you regret your decision. Having another baby immediatley after you have this child is not smart. You cannot replace this child and even if you do not want a child by this other man you have to remember that it is half of you as well and it's not as easy as you are thinking to give a child that you have carried for 9 months and formed a bond with away. Really think about your decision... don't do anything to please your fiance because you did nothing wrong since you were broken up at the time.

Answer 4

do not get an abortion.  This is 1/2 you.  I would say let your parents help you raise the baby.  Wouldn't you want to see it grow up.  I know it would be really hard on you to raise it.  If it is a worst case scenerio, have the kid and put it up for adoption.

Answer 5

You have to do what is right in your mind, not your fiance. Men will come and go, even if you are engaged but this decision will be with you for the rest of your life. There are many families that would love to adopt your child, however in nearly every state the birthfather will need to sign away his rights. Have you asked if he would want to parent the child?

Answer 6

You shouldn't make your decision based on your current boyfriend. It is so not cool that he told you that he wouldn't be able to handle raising someone else's child. I would go talk to a counselor about this. Adoption is not something to take lightly. Sure you don't want a kid from another guy....but this is also a kid that is FROM YOU. It will look like you. It might talk like you, laugh like you. Adoption is a wonderful plan...but I think you should really think it through before you do it for some guy you're dating. You are 18 and should take responsibility.

Answer 7

My heart is breaking for you, reading this. I just... I know. I've been there; I know how hard this is; and I'm sorry.

Please, if I can be so bold, please... don't relinquish your baby for adoption.

Placing a child for adoption will not make your life with your fiance easier. I went through a similar situation, and chose to relinquish, thinking it would be easier for my fiance (now husband) to not have to raise another man's daughter. I was dead wrong. It complicated our relationship, to the point where we nearly divorced. I had a LOT of anger towards him because of it. It has also led to intimacy issues for us, trust issues, and put a strain on our relationship because of the major depression I suffered as a result of losing my child.

It is NOT worth it.

Please, please, please... keep your baby, and save yourself the heartache.

Answer 8

Hey Ash:

Do you want more information on adoption? If you do you can contact me at [e-mail] and I will try to answer any questions that you might have if that helps you out any... I know this is your decision and you finances but you guys need to be sure this is what you really want to do.. Have you told the other guy that is the dad that you are pregnant? Please email me and I can tell you all about adoption... Thanks

Answer 9

babe, a child is a gift, not a mistake.

i know a girl who is pregnant by a man who is a drinker, on drug, etc, and she has alot of the odds against her and is still having her baby. i bet you anything that as soon as you hold your child you will not want to give it up. and why have a baby righ after? i don't understand. this is your child. not only the other guy's child. YOURS. if your bf loves you he can love your child too. i was in a similar situation and me and my bf (not the baby's dad) adore "our" son. please re-conider, and please let people know. you may chage your mind when you se how much people care and how supportive they can be.

Answer 10

I had a child in high school by a really big jerk he isnt even there for his son I kept my son because the thought of my first born jus giving up and someone else having him I couldnt live with myself. I am in a relationship and engaged to be married we are planning on having children and he treats my son like he was his own he loves him I really think your guy needs to realize this child is part of you and he should want to be there for you and I dont think you should give up this baby how can you live with your self its your baby plez reconsider what your doing you and ur guy can get through this. I love my son and wouldnt trade him for anything in this world

Answer 11

It is obvious that you two have a LOT of growing up to do. I dont feel neither of you are able to make this life-decision on your own. I think you should share this with someone that IS mature enough to make this decision. Also, is this a confirmed pregnancy? Id hate for you two to be worried over nothing if you arent even pregnant. I am trying to conceive right now with my husband of 4 years, sure wish I was pregnant! If you didnt want a child by this guy why did you have s*x with him then?! And too you can never replace a child, regardless who the father is and that is what you are doing! I would never be with a man that couldnt raise a child just because it wasnt his. If he REALLY loved you then he would DEAL WITH IT AND HELP RAISE THE BABY AS HIS OWN! I STRONGLY FEEL this is the most disturbing question yet on Yahoo! GROW UP

Answer 12

Well...giving the baby up sounds liek the best idea. I don't blame you guys, or your new guy because I couldn't deal with raising a baby that belonged to my fiance but was some other woman's. But I dunno...it sound smean not to tell the real father...maybe he'll want it? If not, adoption is best, good TTC your next one with your new man!

Answer 13

This recently happened to my brother. He and his girlfriend broke up, both got new significant others, and then found out that the ex-girlfriend was pregnant. They were SOO stressed out, understandably. Somehow, however, after the baby was born they both changed so much for the better. Now, instead of having 2 parents, their baby (who is 18months old now) has 4 parents who love him sooo much! I agree, it is a difficult situation and it is completely YOUR choice. So listening to what people say on this forum is useless. Just make sure you don't give up a baby for your fiance. You are very very young and it is a big decision. I would suggest not keeping it a secret and seeking advice from friends and family who might be able to help you.

I hope that everything works out great and that you two are able to get through this tough time and are able to feel confident in your decision. Best Wishes :)

Answer 14

You seem very selfish and unloving to your child. Imagine how your child will feel like when he/she knows he mom didn't want he/she but wanted someone else. You are so sick. I feel so sorry for your baby.

Answer 15

Well, if you really want to give up the life inside you, then do. I'd rather it had a loving home with parents that care for it, than having it feel like a mistake. But maybe you should tell the father. He might want to keep it. It's ultimately your decision though.

Answer 16

Please don't give your baby away.  Your baby needs you and nobody could ever replace you

It is traumatic for a child to be separated from his/her mother and to do that intentionally when you are capable of parenting a child is just the most hideous idea I've ever heard

It's not about you, the father or your boyfriend; it's about that little innocent life and how he or she is going to feel being cast aside by his/her own mother in favour of another child

Why can't your fiance raise the child?  if he loves you? and your baby is part of you

Answer 17

call 1800adoptions. they helped me with mine and they are absolutely wonderful with the whole process. i really hope that this makes you happy. a child is just a wonderful thing no matter who it is from. But please talk to them and see what they have to offer you.

Answer 18

You can always have an open adoption.  That gives you the opportunity to see the child as it grows.  You need to do what's best for you and the baby.  If the baby would be better off, then adoption is the way to go.  You might want to check with an OB/GYN and let them know you want to put your baby up for adoption and try to do it that way.  I'm 26 and I have 2 kids.  I've been with their dad for 5 years, and it's still hard.  Kids are expensive so before you jump in and have another baby with your fiance, I'd wait a bit.  Get yourselves set financially and get some time for you two.  Once a baby is there, there isn't much time for adult time.

Answer 19

I'm not sure what your question is, but to me it sounds like you have already made up your mind about not keeping the baby but are struggling with the decision. I think that giving your baby up for adoption sounds like something you want to do but have hesitations.That's understandable. Maybe you'll want to look in an open adoption, where you'll be kept informed about the baby & have limited contact with the parents. This way you're not completely "forgotten" or you don't have to feel like you'll just give the baby away & will never know anything about him/her.

Answer 20

The best thing you can do is adopt the child out. The next best thing is offer it to the other guy to raise, as he is the father. Sounds to me like your mind is made up.... that is a good sign, follow your own heart, not anyone elses!

Answer 21

If your fiancé says he won't be able to handle raising someone else's child, lose your fiancé!  That shows that his love for you is conditional.  I wonder what else he "won't be able to handle."  NEVER give up your flesh and blood for the 'love' of a man.  What a horrible trade off - and imagine telling that adult child why s/he was given away.  OMG how painful.

You can never know how you will feel about your baby until s/he is born.  Most women find that they love their child unconditionally regardless of the father - even rape victims.  If there is an adoption plan in place, you could be devastated, and there is no recovering from losing a child whether to death or to adoption.

If you do NOT want a child from this other man, get an abortion.

Answer 22

It is my lifelong dream to adopt and I hope that you will consider talking with me about "open adoption." I'm a want-to-be-Mommy in Northern California, in the fortunate position to be a stay-at-home Mom! (no need for daycare!) I have so much to offer a baby -- love, resources, financial stability, and extended family and friends. I have an education as a Marriage & Family Therapist, and work with lots of kids and parents. I also have LOTS of nieces and nephews and they bring me great joy.

I am wanting to adopt for all of the right reasons -- to give a child a home, a loving family, an education, and a lifetime of opportunity. I am also very open to an "open adoption" where YOU get to choose the level of contact you will have over the years with this child that you're carrying and loving. Together, you and I can create a wonderful life for this child through an open adoption.

Please consider talking with me: [e-mail]

You can also read more about my story at www.myspace.com/adoption2007

Answer 23

I think it's wonderful that you are considering placing the child for adoption. Because the child deserves to be with people that are going to love him/her unconditionally.

Second, if you're fiance is telling you that he doesn't want you to keep the baby because it isn't his..kick his butt to the curb. Any man that loves you should be able to step up and say: Who cares if the child isn't mine, but I will treat it like it was.

I personally don't think that it is right that you don't want the baby just because you got pregnant by your ex. That is a pretty selfish thing to do. And you shouldn't have been sleeping with him in the first place unprotected. And then to want to have a child immediately thereafter is ridiculous.

Let me tell you my story in brief: I got pregnant when I was 19 and the father and I were engaged. When he found out that I was pregnant he gave me the choice of having an abortion or placing the baby for adoption. I chose adoption. We went through all the motions of getting ready to place the baby for adoption when he was born and I decided that I didn't want to do it. I couldn't go through with it. Yes, I thought at times am I really going to be able to raise a child that was created by someone who was so mean and hurtful to me. And in the end I realized that I wasn't going to let my ex ruin it for me. My son is now 3, almost 4 years old and the love of my life. He is my everything. I am also dating a great guy who treats my son as if he were his.

Think long and hard about the reason that you thinking about placing your child for adoption. Don't do it simply because your fiance is telling you to or because you don't want to have your ex's child. Those are pretty stupid. Do it for the right reasons.

Answer 24

honestly Hun

if Ur going to treat this child like a second class citizen because u and his father made a mistake

that wasn't his fault at all

he or she would be better off with someone else

also u can not replace a child with another

and keeping it a secrete from Ur former boy toy

this is not 3rd grade Hun

these are actual lives Ur playing with

my advice to you is this

1. speak to a licensed therapist

2. TELL THE FATHER OF THIS BABY (the one Ur caring NOW)

3. the guy who cant handle raising another mans child doesn't care about you... because Hun that baby is part of you

4. GROW UP

i know I'm being harsh

but i think that's what u need

Answer 25

Why don't you talk to the other guy? That is HIS kid too! That is BS. Did you ever think that maybe he would want to take responsibility and raise his kid?

People like you make me sick.

Answer 26

Adoption is a good thing.   Sometimes people will act as though you are somehow bad or selfish for giving a baby up.   But if you see the mothers who treat tiny children like dirt becuse they don't want them and wish they didn't have them,  adoption is great.

But,  the previous boyfriend deserves to know he will be a father.   Whether or not you want him.   The other guy should be glad you care enough about this baby to want to to be wanted by two parents.  

And PLEASE don't have a baby right away.  Have fun, go to dances, get an education.  So that when you do have a baby you'll have the money to buy it what it needs and not resent it and wish you could be out having fun.

Also,  your relatinship with this new guy will have much more chance of being succesful if you're not pregnant.   Guys want girls who can have fun.  Who can hold a job.  Who can have s*x.   Pregnant girls have trouble with some of those things.

Answer 27

Well I think you should not give it to adoption. I think you are going to regret it later in your life.

Answer 28

HI, for starters you will have a hard time hiding the fact that you are pregnant as your body will change and your eating habits and what about when you go into labour, sooner or later someone will guess and it will come out.

2. have you really though about this has your fiance really though about this, if he loved you he wouldn't put pressure on you to get rid of the baby or give it up, and if you really didn't want a baby you should have used protection. I'm sorry but i think that you really need to think about this more could you honestly go for 9 months and not grow fond of the baby inside you?

Do you really think that it will make you and your fiance stronger if you give up the baby ? do you think you would be able to give it up? There's a lot more to think about than your relaionship. this is a baby a human being you have to think about and thier rights, a baby has the right to know its birth mum to be with its mother. But if you dont want it, no one can force you to have it but the father deserves to have the right to know and have a say in the decision. maybe its father will want it and want to have it and keep it if you dont. you need to tell the father and let him have a say too or its not right or fair.

Answer 29

thats a really hard desicion to make and i really feel for u ..me and my husband have been tryin to concive 4 2 yrs now and now were lookin for a new born to adopt .. so there are alot of people willing to love and take care of children.   but i wish u luck w all things

Answer 30

No offence but your fiancee sounds like a complete prick.

I'd adopt him out not the baby haha.

Seriously I don't know how you people adopt your own flesh and blood out, it's crazy.

Answer 31

I agree with Paula.  People like you make me sick too.  If you didn't want to risk getting pregnant you should have kept your legs closed.  And if your fiance really loves you and had any sense he would try and make things work, not just tell you he can't see raising someone else's child.  It's not the baby's fault that you are pregnant.  And just in case you forgot, the child's father has a right to know what is going on.  You should tell him.  Maybe him or his family would want total custody of the child and then your stupid boyfriend wouldn't have to worry about "your" child hindering him.  

People like you need to wake up.

Again, you make me sick