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I am 23,with 2 babies of my own,how do I get over & forgive my own mother for all she put me through as achild

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I am 23 stay at home mother of a one and two year old. My father never played a magor role in my life, given I only saw him about once every 5 years. From the time I was born, until I was 18, my mother had been married 6 times. When I was 6 she married a guy, he was really nice to me while they were dating. But when they got married, things changed for the worse, he became verbally and physically abusive towards me. One incident that stands out in my mind the most was when I was seven. My mother had fallen(and at 7 you think because your parent gets hurt, they are going to like die) I nicely asked him to hand me the phone so I could call my grandparents to let them know. He then proceeded to hit me upside the head with a cordless telephone, he hit me so hard, it broke the metal antena on the phone. After he hit me, my head hit the refridgerator and I passed out. I saw her hit him many times as well. My mother considered being separated, by taking me to wal mart for a couple of hours and then going home right back to it. It finally came to a hault when I was 13 and he molested me. But she kicked me out and sent me to my grandparents. My grandparents have always been like my parents and I love them so much. Last night while over at my mom's house(she is no longer married and living with my 15 year old sister), She had boxed up some of me and my sisters toys from our childhood.

My father, while he was in the Persian Gulf War, would send me really nice things, and they mean the world to me. And I would notice, as a child, my favorite toys would come up missing. Well, when I was 12 my Step father, who did all of this other stuff to me, finally admitted that he threw all of my favorite toys in the sewer.

Last night, when I opened these boxes, I started crying because I found one that I thought had been tossed in the sewer, my mother started crying because I told her, I wanted to hang onto these things because I had no childhood. She doesnt know it, but I hold alot of resentment against her because of the simple fact that I went through this for NINE years of my childhood and she never left him.

And something else that hurts is, she never wants my one and two year old to stay the night with her. She wants to charge me $150.00 a day to keep them, which I can't afford. She acts very proud of her grandkids in public, but she always has an excuse as to why she can not keep them, and this hurts me because my husbands father lives in Texas my father lives in Oklahoma, and my kids dont really get to see them. My mother in law sees them alot, but she doesnt keep them. She is 70 and has a house cleaning business. It just makes me feel like my mother on the inside wants nothing to do with her grandkids.

How do I get over all the hurt that my mother has put me through?

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  1. You will never get over what your mother did to you. The best thing for you to do is be a great mother to your children. So they have someone to look up to. You may never be able to forget what she did, but you can forgive her. Go to your mother and tell her that you will never forget what she put you through, but you do forgive her and will pray for her everyday.  Don't ask your mother to babysit anymore, so you don't get stressed out about the money. Eventually, she will come to you, wanting to see her grand kids. Then she can't ask you for money, because she came to you. Good luck and God Bless.


  2. you don't you put it behind and tell her to F off I haven't spoken to my mother in 10+ years. you are an adult now why "choose" to continue to be part of this vicious horrible cycle. As far as I'm concerned she abused you. she is just as bad as your step father. Why would you even want your kids around this person. Some people don't deserve to be forgiven.

    best of luck to you. raise your children the best you can and don't do what you mother did to you that is expose them to a mean abusive person. She did that to you with her husband and you are doing it to your kids by exposing them to her.

  3. i went through this as a child as well. now i have a set of twins a boy and girl who are now 4 years old.  my dad would sneak up in my room at night and touch me and rape me until i got older and had a period then he stopped. but i went into foster care and was moved 6 times from the age of 12-18. i thought i would never forgive my mom.  i told her many times what was going on.(they were divorced but i saw them both)  my mom then decided she didn't want me because she didn't was all the drama in her life. she remarried and has 3 kids. i talk to her now that i am older. she takes a big part in my kids life.

    i would say just try to talk to her about it. ask her why she wants nothing to do with her grandkids. tey inviting her over your place for dinner. and maybe say lets all make cookies. thwn when your kids and your mom are starting say you need to go to the restroom or something and give them alone time and see how well they bond. maybe once they get more bonded with one another she will want your kids over with no cost. maybe she is just scared she will hurt them like she hurt you and she doesn't want that.

    i hope this helps. just keeps trying. it will get better!!

    mother of twins.

  4. You can forgive her and move on by writing down all your hurt and what you went through. You might choose to burn it or put it in a box. You felt weren't listened to and that probably hurt most of all. A parent is supposed to protect their child and you felt this did not happen. When your mom sent you to your grandparents she was giving you a chance not giving you away. I suggest you read some books on childhood abuse and seek help from a counselor. You can find help online, too. Another thing is to "reparent" yourself. See that everything you do for your children is what you would have wanted for yourself and through them see yourself getting this loving home and parent. Be patient with your mother. I suffered abuse that my mother didn't know about and felt like you do. She didn't even know about it!! I forgave her and gave myself permission to move on and it helped me to see how I became the person I am. I wrote down the happy loving times, too, in a separate book and keep it to look in when I tempted to be upset about what happened. Journal and keep a scrapbook for your children and think about the love your are giving them and the happiness of now and let go of the past. Don't let your past rule your future. Don't let your past rob you of your JOY in your children.  

  5. I wouldn't leave your children in the hands of a woman who was abusive to you as a child. Maybe she feels guilty about the abuse she gave you and does not trust herself with your kids, so she wants to charge you a rate that she knows you can't afford. She was a negligent parent to you and probably will be to your children. My advice to you is to forgive but never forget, she taught you a huge lesson.

    Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that you can change the past.

  6. You can work on dealing with the emotional effects of what your mom did - on your own, if that works, or with a counselor.  Letting yourself acknowledge the pain/damage and emotions that went with them and letting it go as you can... The resentment is natural.  You needed to be protected - she was in the position to protect you - she didn't.

    You can't control her and whether she wants your kids in her life or not - let yourself grieve not having the mom you wanted and find other resources for babysitting.  She sounds similar to my mom in that way - my mom loves to brag about her grandkids and loved to brag about me - but she wasn't a good mom.  and she's not a too good a grandma either.  We could really use the help, but she's not going to provide it so we've had to let it go and find other ways.  And I think she's too selfish to cal for a child well anyway...  she certainly didn't take care of me that well growing up or now.

    forgiveness is up to you...  but it may be a long process, not a momentary thing.  give yourself the time to heal and decide over time if you want to forgive - for your own sake, not for hers.  

  7. At 23, you're too old to be whining like that. Get over it & make a better life for your kids. Lots of us had trauma growing up.

  8. First of all, these are two separate issues. My mom was a saint while I was growing up, and now, I am also 23, with four kids, and she told me before I had my first one that she WILL NOT babysit so don't ask. My sister lives right down the street and she is 26 and married and unable to have kids, and she has never once ever watched my kids. I have never been anywhere except work or school since my son was born when I was 17. I wouldn't ever leave your kids with your mom! She was a complete and total abuser and I agree, you should keep your distance, get a social circle of friends who will help you with problems, and get as far away from your mom as you can. You can still talk to her if you choose, like how are you, but I agree that she shouldn't really be a part of your life because in my opinion, not leaving that man was total abuse.

    I would say move somewhere else! Do you live with a guy who takes care of you? How are you a stay at home mom? Cause if you have a partner who does take care of you, I would say pack up and do the things you always wanted to and get the heck out of there! You can forgive her without feeding into her psychological manipulation. Find a teenager to babysit and have fun.

  9. You can hold onto your resentment or just let it go. Fact is, you are mad for not having a great childhood, but no one has a great childhood. Come to terms that your mother has her own emotional problems, that she is human just like everyone else, and it sucks you were stuck to her while she made really bad choices, but it seems like if you hadn't gone through all that you did, you wouldn't be so adamant about your ideals on family and marriage now. If she doesn't want to keep your kids overnight, then that is her loss. Let go of the fairy tale picture of what you think childhood is supposed to be... because she will never live up to what you have in mind.

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