I am 29, my adoption is closed. I was denied contact from the birth mother when I was 19. what can I do now?

Question

I guess I want to know what my options are...I don't want to invade their privacy, but I don't want to give up either.

Answer 1

Let her have her privacy If she doesnt want you in her life it's her choice not yours If she has your contact info she'll contact you if and when she wants So please respect her enough to let go It may just be too difficult to see you after all these years and not that she doesnt care

Answer 2

Hi Kat,

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this.

I found my first mother 2.5 yrs ago - and she also has not handled my appearance very well.

Did you write/contact her yourself - or did you go through someone else (agency/mediator) ??

If you have her address - perhaps you can write to her and just say that you've been thinking of her.

Not too heavy - just trying to open communication again.

Sometimes mother's do come around - time can heal.

It hurts like h**l - hey?

I'm stubborn - so I searched for more family - and reached out to a few.

In doing so - I'm now in contact with my father - who actually married my mother - and went on to have 3 more kids!

They're still married - and he emails me without her knowing.

She has been very traumatized from being forced to give me away - by her mother.

Come on over to the best support forum I've found on the net -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

You'll find a heap of really caring adoptees - from around the world.

I wish you all the very best.

ETA: And don't listen to the baloney from idiots that say you should just move on - and be grateful for your life.

You have a right to know your truth.

Keep strong. You're not alone.

Answer 3

Well I suppose you can try again after 10 years maybe she has changed her mind. However she may not want contact with you and that is just something you are going to have to respect and deal with. You could try and search for other birthkin.

You could always send her something with your contact information that way if she ever wants to contact you she can.

Answer 4

Since you don't know the circumstances, go to your parents and ask them what they know. Most times it's not a happy story that you came from a wonderful couple. Sometimes it involves a rape, or one parent is in prison, or just bums that will think they have hit the lottery when you find them. They may want money all the time or are truly not the kind of people you would want for friends either. If you really want to do this, keep that in mind. You may find out you have siblings that you wished you never knew about either. I know from experience because that is what happened to my friend Heather. I think there are websites for adoptees that are trying to find birth parents. Check it out on the internet if you can't get the info otherwise. I hope it works out good for you.

Answer 5

Perhaps you could just honor her wishes . . .but if you insist on intruding into her life by following the (poor) advice to start turning up every stone in her family then feel free to do so but don't expect a warm relationship with her at that time.

The only advice i saw that i could remotely agree with is to send her a card and let it go at that point.

Answer 6

Ensure you keep contact details up-to-date in case she has a change of heart.

And for the other poster; adoptees do not need to be any more grateful for their life than you or any other person.

Answer 7

Not sure what you can do if she doesn't wan't to meet you.It's her choice.She may not like it if you keep bugging her about it.

Answer 8

I'm sorry that she didn't want contact the first time. Did she personally tell you no?

I agree with Possum. If you're sure you have her correct current contact info, try dropping her a note in the mail. Just something short and light to let her know that you are thinking of her, and make sure she knows how to get in touch with you.

From my perspective as a first mom I know that there are often so many conflicting feelings that we go through, although I was never conflicted about my love for my son. Lots of other "stuff" that I had to deal with though, and sometimes it's just scary. I'm not making excuses for her; I don't know her situation, but I hope that she'll pull herself together and come around for you when you contact her again.

Please do find a good support group if you haven't already.

((Good luck))

ETA: I forgot to add that if she doesn't want contact after the second try, you could always search for other bio family members.

Answer 9

Why not come over to http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum ?

There are hundreds of adoptees who all have different stories, as you can imagine!  We can 'brainstorm' over there!

Answer 10

She gave you an answer at 19: no contact. So what do you do now? You move on. You have gratitude that she gave you life rather than have you destroyed, and you pay her back by leaving her alone, in accordance with her wishes.

We can't always have what we want. Focus on the life you have now.

Answer 11

Try again, ask to meet in private. Send a note saying when she is ready you will welcome a meeting. You can't force her, I'm sorry for her, since she is losing you again. I hope she comes around for her sake too.

Answer 12

don't give up please there alot of ways to open birth records  and  i'm a birth mother  and i so hope oen day my children well want to meet me so i can explain the reasons of there adoptions not aday go by i don't wonder if i mad ethe right chose but i was also  very young and my family forced me to give them up  what ever you do fight for that rigt to know your birth family ! yesterday was my little girl bday well she not so young now i was 17 had her  at 18 for her safty reasons i had to let her go :(