I am 5 1/2 months preggo and gave my fiance the engagement ring back. Did I over react?

Question

The other night, he made it very clear that I would never come before his 5 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. All I said is that I didn't want her at the hospital when I was having our baby because she is such a handful. He also said no matter what, he is going to his sisters wedding 2 weeks before the baby is born in the Virgin Islands. I am so sad, I feel like a failure and I am ashamed to be walking around pregnant w/o a ring on. (we were engaged for 5 mo. before I got preggo btw) I feel like my heart has been broken because I am not important to him. Give me some sound advise!

Answer 1

the part where you said you didnt want his daughter to be there when u are having birth is a bit too much. because see from a different view.. why cant your your baby's SISTER be there when her sibling is coming out? that 5 year old daughter is your baby's sister indirectly.

but him leaving you 2 weeks before you are giving birth to your baby is not right either. if he loved you he wouldnt do that to you. because you shud know this.. the closest person to you shud be your husband. thats stated in the law. if he loves u try telling him and he would work things out with you if he loved u

Answer 2

What do your instincts tell you? I'm sure that this is only half of what's going on, and we don't know all the circumstances, but I think you should not feel as though you are the only one at fault here. It seems as though he is also being a bit selfish. After all, 2 weeks is pretty close to the due date, and I think any woman would freak out if her man was going abroad while she could pop at any moment. (I think it'd be a different story if it was 2 months instead...)

However, he probably doesn't want to hear that his child is a handful, especially now. He might be feeling a little confused with the change in the family, and doesn't want the new child to replace the child that he already has. This might be his way of including his daughter in this new addition to the family, hence the insistence to have her at the hospital. Sometimes people don't really think before they speak, so maybe you should talk it out with him.

Answer 3

sounds like a very self centred man to me, he doesnt seem to care very much about you or your unborn baby. i dont think you have over reacted but you do need to talk this through with him and think about where to go from here he needs to understand a birth is not the time for 5 year old to be running around.  thats understandable, dont stand in his way of the sisters wedding though shes his family too remember, you will only push him away.

try to remember and remind him aswell that you are pregnant and extremely hormonal and you need him to support you as well.

Answer 4

It sounds like this isn't the first time he has ignored your feelings, and it won't be the last. Being with someone is about compromise. I wouldn't want a 5-year-old running around while I was in labor. But maybe someone could be outside waiting with her during the actual labor part. I mean, the kid is going to get cranky and annoyed and scared watching you scream for 28 hours or so. Honestly.

However, since you said you were engaged before you got pregnant and that broke off, I'm thinking you two probably just need to split up because there are a lot more problems than you're talking about here. And you will be better off finding someone who makes you happy.  

Answer 5

OMG take the ring back and you two should forgive each other and he's daughter hold be one of his first priority's and you are two and she should be at the hospital to see her new sister or brother

Answer 6

Well.. it is his sisters wedding.. and that is his daughter..i think you are being a little selfish. my dad go re-married and no matter what his three girls came before anyone even my step-mom. now dont get me wrong i love my step mom like my own mother but she knew that we were first. and for him not to go to his sisters wedding TWO weeks before the baby is even born is asking a lot from him. i dont know how close he is to his sister but if that were my sister i wouldnt for a million years miss it. i can understand if the baby was due on that date but its not. and i am not saying that you are not important to him because obviously you are he wants to marry you and have children with you. you just have to look at somethings and really think about them.

Answer 7

Once you have your baby you'll understand his position about his daughter.  The greatest thing we'll ever be is a parent.  I am remarried and my husband and I both have children from previous marriages.  We are partners, but ultimately our children come first.  If the 5 year old were your child you would expect him to put her first, wouldn't you?  I think he should be commended.  So many fathers fail to step up to the plate.  Know that he'll always be a devoted father to your child.

You also need to understand that even though he is with you he has a commitment to his immediate family.

It sounds like he is a great guy.  Don't feel unimportant or insignificant to him.  Respect him for who he is and enjoy sharing him with others that love him too.  He will thank you for it.

Answer 8

Take a deep breath sweetie. There is a lot going on. You cannot compare a man's love of a child his love for you. He could have misinterpreted why you didn't want to have the 5 year old there. Since this will be her step-sister/brother, I feel that you should allow her to be there. Have a family friend sit with her or watch her in the lobby, but do not make her miss the birth of a baby.

It's really hard when it comes to family and weddings and babies. Personally, I feel that he should be with you and the new baby instead of at his sister's wedding, but I understand why. Try to be as understanding as possible. Some of what's going on is emotions from pregnancy, but most of it is just adjusting to the changes.

Talk to him. Calmly. Explain your concerns. Explain your views. Try to be understanding of his needs as well.  

Answer 9

I think you did the right thing.  This man has other priorities.  

I think for now you should concentrate on you and on baby.  Make the best life you can for the two of you.

See an attorney.  Get child support and custody/visitation issues in writing and made legal.  Follow the legal agreement exactly.

Read:

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends

by Bruce Fisher (Author)

It is available at amazon.com.

Stay busy.  Take a class.  Learn a new hobby.  Go out with friends.  Join a gym after baby is born.  Stay busy.

Take care of you and baby.

Answer 10

Well honestly, you shouldn't come before his daughter. His daughter and the baby you are carrying should be the most important things in his life. I understand you not wanting her at the hospital but this is her sibling. Maybe he misunderstood? And his sister's wedding was most likely planned already before you knew you were pregnant. Granted, he should be there for the baby, but if he made prior promises, you can't blame him. As for the feeling ashamed to be pregnant with no ring, you did sleep with him and you knew that was a risk. If you didn't want to be in this situation, you should have waited until the ring was on your finger. Sorry to be blunt but I am a single mom of two kids and while my fiancé loves them very much and helps take care of them, I would never have him put his family behind my children unless he wanted to. And I knew what I was doing when I had my kids and have never felt ashamed to be an unmarried mother.  

Answer 11

Go by your gut feeling.

I do not think his 5 yr old daughter should be at the birth. As for the wedding you are over reacting a little. but you are entitled to

you are the one who is pregnant and hormonal, not him.

Answer 12

Sounds like you are being pretty selfish. Do you honestly expect him to love you and your child more than his child from a previous marriage? You are asking him to love his family less than you and that is purely selfish. Why would he not go to his sister's wedding? Should you be more important than his sister? You are being completely rude and selfish and forcing him to choose between the people he loves. Grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around you.  

Answer 13

So if you deliver early, he'll skip his own child's birth for his sister's wedding?  Am I reading that right?  That would infuriate me, too.  It's cutting it awfully close to be out of the country when your own child is due.  A 5 yr old should not be in the labor deliver room.  It's scary and stressful enough as it is.  But what's wrong with having her in the waiting room with grandma?  This is her sister, too.  

In this day and age, no one cares about your marital status anymore.  

Answer 14

That's a tough spot you're in.  He sounds very protective of his child - which any parent would be but his responses to you don't seem very supportive. It can be hard to find a balance between those two things and chances are if your both under a lot of stress the way things were said to each other wasnt very constructive.

Give yourself a little time to cool down and then try and speak with him again about WHY you dont want the daughter in the birthing room (which seems like a very normal request) and HOW it makes you feel when he said certain things. Then listen to his side and be open to it.

Maybe you both could go to the sister's wedding? If you tell him your worries and concerns without being demanding  he may come across more resonable.

Good luck.  

Answer 15

I think he was pretty harsh talking to you that way.  I feel like the best thing you could have done was to give the ring back.  If he talks to you like that now, he would have talked to you worse when ya''ll got  married.  You don't need that and when you have the baby, it don't need to be around that.  Right now you don't need to worry about him at all.  You need to worry about you and your unborn baby!!  His heart is the one that should be breaking not yours.

Answer 16

You hurt his feelings by excluding his lovely daughter.  You can't own him and expect him to avoid his child and his sister.  They are part of his life and you want to keep him from his life and deny him who he really is. One or 2 days at a wedding...the odds are that your baby won't be born on these 2 days...and video tape it for him if it is. What difference does it make to you if his daughter is there...it is not like the hospital staff are going to ask you to baby sit her while giving birth. Children are not usually allowed inside the delivery room anyway.  You are going to have to ask his forgiveness.  No one looks at your hands to see if you are married. Many married people dont wear rings...it is all in your head.  You need to have empathy and compassion for others and stop putting yourself first...because you are going to have a baby that will have needs that come before yours.

Answer 17

you are better off without him if those are his feelings.

Answer 18

Sounds like he is not too concerned about you or the babay and maybe getting out of the relationship is the best thing to do!  

Answer 19

I think you are.  He is going to be there for your child's birth, but it is also important for him to be there for his sister's wedding.  He wouldn't have proposed if he didn't want to (I mean, there was no pressure because you were not pregnant).  

Many women try to be FIRST in their men's lives, but that isn't really the case at all.  Many women can be at the top list of importance.  He probably got defensive and thought that you were trying to do just that.  Telling him what to do at the beginning of the marriage is not a good sign.  Let him be who he is-that's why you said YES, right?

Answer 20

First off, over reacting is a key trademark of being pregnant, so don't feel too bad :)

Secondly, I totally understand where you are coming from, but he has some valid points as well. I think you guys really need to sit down and have a discussion and maybe come to a compromise.

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to have to deal with a young child when you're in labor. Especially if you're planning on doing it naturally, you don't need that extra thing to focus on. Maybe a compromise could be to have her at the hospital, but not in the room with you until after the baby is born? Perhaps a grandparent or aunt or other relative could sit with her in the waiting room and keep her entertained. That way she is there when her brother/sister is born, your fiance gets to have her there for that special moment to him, but she is not distracting you from what you need to be doing.

About the wedding, I understand that plans were probably made before you found out you were pregnant, and it's probably important to him, however you need to explain to him what him going there entails. You will not be able to go with him because they will not allow you to fly when you are that close to your due date (they don't want babies born on the plane) Make sure that he knows that if he goes, he may miss the birth of his child. If it's important for him to be there, he may reconsider. I assume this is your first child, so let him know that first babies can be up to 2 weeks early, or 2 weeks late, and that by choosing to go he is most likely going to miss out. If you have other support people to help you out, and can manage it without him, then pick your battles and allow him to go if that's more important to him. Personally that would crush me, but it would also solve the problem of having his daughter there.

Overall, just explain to him how he made you feel, and give him reasons for why you feel that way, because all of your feelings are valid in this situation just as his are. I'm sure that if you guys really love and care for each other that you will be able to come to an agreeable compromise.

I hope it all works out for you, Good Luck!

PS~ Stress can make you go into pre-term labor, so try and stay calm and relaxed. (Maybe tell him that the stress of him not being there and potentially missing the birth could increase the chances of you going into labor while he's gone!)