I am Severely Depressed Over Genital Herpes (From a Rape). HELP!?

Question

As a result of a rape, I have genital herpes and HPV. I had several genital warts that I had treated. About 3-4 weeks after the rape, I developed a strange ulcer-like sore that eventually crusted over. I went to see a physician and she said I had a yeast infection. However, three days ago I had another sore that is similar to the first one. (This was 10 months after the primary outbreak) I got the sore on my inner thigh.

I am severely depressed about it. Can I ever get married? Will my future husband/fiance be so grossed out? The thing is, I really don't think the sores or the physical conditions are that bad. The first sore took several weeks to heal. But the sore that I had 10 months later was erradicated in only 3 days. I put baby poweder on it to help.

The only bad thing about it is the social stigma. I think the general population is not educated on Herpes. They think it is some morbid disease where you will have severe blisters on your genitals the majorit of the time. I have only had 2 outbreaks in the past two months. Also, I am worried about spreading it when I get married. I am going to be honest about it with my fiance, I was thinking of writing him a letter after we got engaged. If he doesn't want to marry me because of it, then it wasn't meant to be.

What do you think? Is genital Herpes really as horrible as it seems? About 5 years ago, I got HSV-1 from a female friend. I had two blisters on my face. After that outbreak, I haven't had another blister. When I had HSV-1, people (including my doctor) didn't act like it was a serious thing adn just told me to let it run its course. I have seen numerous research that idicated that HSV 1 and HSV 2 are the same level of severity. However, since HSV 1 is not sexually transmitted and so many people have it, it is not stigmatized at all. There is a "good" herpes and a "bad" herpes, however they both are the same level of severity and have the same affect on your health.

Also, I read that herpes rarely causes serious health problems and it doesn't affect the immune system. Before I realized I had herpes, I never felt sick or tired what so ever. The depression only came after I had a second outbreak and realized that my yeast infection was really a socially stigmatized disease.

Do you think I am crazy for downplaying herpes? Why is it no big deal if you have cold sore but if you have a small spot on your genital,s it is disgusting?

What should I do???? Should I just accept it? I have only had 2 outbreaks in teh first 10 months, so dyou think they will be even fewer in the future? See, I am not depressed about the physical symptoms because they are so mild, I am just terrified about how my future fiance will react.

please help!

Answer 1

Hi,

Sorry about the rape.

As an adult in middle age, I do not think herpes is a big deal.  Other than being annoying, it doesn't do any life-threatening damage.  Just no s*x during outbreaks.  I have never had it though, so I haven't had to deal with it, but that's how I view it.  

The HPV is more dangerous for you.  Your husband can get the vaccine, even though it's not marketed for men, he can still get it.

You can still get married.

Everyone has something that if known publically would be a stigma. We all have skeletons in our closets.

Answer 2

I think you're absolutely spot on with regards to the lack of education about herpes, and the stigma that goes with it (and all STIs).

There's actually a very high (relatively speaking) proportion of people who have HSV. Many show no symptoms, so don't even know it.

It's difficult to say whether you're 'downplaying' the significance - a person can only judge the significance of a disease for themselves.  

And you will be able to get married/have a relationship: you just need to be honest with potential partners. Two of my best friends started a relationship, knowing that one of them had (genital) herpes.

Think of it as a screening tool: tell them, and if they run screaming, then they're probably not worth having as a partner anyway ;)

Answer 3

i'm not even gonna read your post b/c most people react the same and tell the same sad story.

talk to a counselor and build you a support network of other people with herpes...even if its just one person to confide in. don't confide in someone who is not infected (right away) b/c they don't know what you're goin' through...

your life isn't over unless you walk around with a negative or depressive attitude about it.

you can email me personally if you want

Answer 4

Hey there...So sorry to hear about your story...it musn't be easy, but people infected can get medicine and have a close to perfect life. Here are your answers...

Can I ever get married? Will my future husband/fiance be so grossed out?

-Yes, you can still get married. Your future husband or fiance will only be grossed out if perhaps you dont tell them...and they find out through a different source. You should be the one to tell them. There are medications out there and even ways for him not to get infected...do the research, and you will see.

What do you think? Is genital Herpes really as horrible as it seems?

-I think you can live your life, Herpes does not stop you at all, and you shouldn't let it, this is your life...You were raped and that b*****d f**k is going to get Karma turn on him. Let life take care of him, you take care of yourself. You need to, you only live once. If you are scared to live, who's going to live for you??? Genital Herpes sounds horrible, because like you suggested the general people out there don't understand it, and what people don't understand its easier to make a big mess out of it.

Do you think I am crazy for downplaying herpes? Why is it no big deal if you have cold sore but if you have a small spot on your genital,s it is disgusting?

-You are not crazy, but you need to do more research, so that you can fully understand this disease. A small spot on your genital indicates a breakout, a time where your partner is at higher risk to get infected. Please becareful.

What should I do???? Should I just accept it? I have only had 2 outbreaks in teh first 10 months, so dyou think they will be even fewer in the future?

-You should definetely look into getting medication so that you can prevent future outbreaks for yourself. And yes, accepting it can help you a great deal, it will be a while but you will see that with proper medication, it will be easier to have a healthy sexual life in where you or your partners are not exposed to outbreaks. I don think that with proper medication you can get fewer outbreaks. Best Wishes.

Answer 5

Here's my story. I was the one with herpes, and my husband accepted it. I chose to wait to have s*x until the wedding ring was on my finger and he kissed the bride. I would have felt like I had to stay in the relationship if I'd given it to him and then wanted to break up with him later (before the wedding).

For me, it promoted a maturity that was necessary to deal with my future, as I truly believed I had none. I did some heavy soul searching and changed the 'type' of guy I was dating. (Hopefully your friend has also done this.) It made me ready to settle down, and find a comfortable relationship with trust that could withstand the test of time. Rather than needing to keep dating and have fun (not s*x fun - I had only been with one person when I got it from a violent situation. I had dated lots though!)

I have been married for 17 years now to a man who had only one other sexual partner. We have two children and he has never shown any symptoms of hsv. I was entirely honest with him, and we waited until a month before our wedding to consumate (have s*x)the relationship. That was my choice.

Though I was open with him, I told him in the dark so I wouldn't have to see his expression. He thought about it (I don't even remember if is answer was immediate or not), and said that it didn't matter. I feared the answer to many other questions about whether he meant he didn't need s*x; how we would get pregnant if we used condoms; and even wondered if he knew something I didn't. I called myself 'damaged goods'. I also hoped he would research the topic before consumating the relationship. I am sure he did, as he is a VERY smart man.

You see, as emotionally painful as finding out I had hsv was, it was actually a blessing for me in the end. I was living life for the now, and unable to make a committment to marriage until this vd caused me to sit down and be honest with myself about my values and what I wanted out of life. I was twenty five or so and still single, moving from one long term relationship to another... all ending the same way. I entered counseling and reevaluated what was really important in a relationship. I haven't slept around, but was under the false impression that men who had had many encounters were s**y... I wish someone had told me about the statistics.

One thing that was truly wonderful, was that when he told me it didn't matter to him, I knew in my heart that this relationship would be FOREVER. No cheating, no divorce, no dating again, or remarriage.... that was one loving committment he made to me. He is truly the man of my dreams (and logic).

There are two types of the virus and you can get either one in either place. I already had Type 1 (oral), but when Type 2 entered my body, I developed flu-like symptoms along with the outbreak.

At first I took acyclovir faithfully to avoid transmission, but my sweetie told me to quit taking it after a couple of months. I had a lot of outbreaks, and when I had one, I just asked him to wear a condom. After a couple of months he said that if he was going to get it, just let it happen.

I also remember some point in the first year that my husband developed flu-like symptoms. I told him that it could be hsv, and he just told me to stop worrying. But even then, he didn't have an outbreak and never has had. Although my hubby has never had an outbreak, I'm sure he has to be a carrier of it.

Like I said, we have two beautiful children, (who by the way will be more resistant to the virus since theyy have acquired my antibodies to hsv while in the womb) and we have unprotected oral and regular s*x. The only time hsv can cause serious birth defects is when someone contracts the virus in the late stages of pregnancy. I had two c-sections, but for other reasons though. It actually was a relief to me- just out of caution.

Many of my questions were answered in time. He has an incredible s*x drive and our bedroom activities ARE important to both of us.

Email me if I can help in any other way!